Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I'm at the Comedy Stop at the Trop in AC all week. http://ping.fm/QGBUM for tickets. You'll laugh till your gonads explode!

Monday, June 29, 2009

I dressed my son in some old school Star Wars stuff this morning. Does contributing to future nerdiness count as child abuse? I hope not.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Just saw Transformers 2. Man, the action sequences were so easy to follow! On an unrelated note: I've just started snorting crystal meth.
Everything on TV gets beamed into space. What if this http://ping.fm/ueTUi is all aliens have to understand us?
Joe Jurevicius is suing the Browns for "misrepresenting their sanitary conditions". Charlie Sheen, I'm sure, is watching this case closely.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Prepare to be jealous of my career: I just did a radio show called "Billy Elvis and the Jack Hammer". Who's a big star? I am!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rocky 6 is on FX. I wonder how many cases of salmonella poisoning from raw egg consumption Sylvester Stallone is responsible for.
On my way to Fort Wayne for three days at Snickerz. Come to the show but don't tell anybody you're coming; claim to be hiking instead!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Best new euphemism for an extramarital affair: I took an unscehduled trip to Argentina.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My latest column for CliqueClack (what if there were no 24 hour news networks): http://ping.fm/cmi1v

Monday, June 22, 2009

I hate it when The Onion cuts too close to the bone: http://ping.fm/9UGUd
Spending a few days in Wildwood, NJ: white-trash t-shirt capital of the free world. Who says America can't be #1 at anything anymore!?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

More disappointed person: wife on birthday BJ day or ESPN executive when one of Rick Reilly's contracted TV appearances comes up?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Here's my latest column on the Artie Lange/Joe Buck showdown: http://ping.fm/GZAEf

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Just saw an ad for "G Force." Here's my no-fail movie pitch: "Some animals do some stuff or whatever." There, just sold a movie.
If I was the dude who died in "PS I Love You", I'd sign every letter with "PS Don't bang anyone. Seriously."
Off to work out. Of course, the problem with a stationary bike is that no matter how fast you peddle, the self loathing is still there.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Joke I made tonight that my wife didn't laugh at: "I'm not seeing the 'Taking of Pelham 123' because I didn't see the first 122."
Now that so many people have HDTVs, I think it's in the NBA's best interest to install giant sweat-evaporating fans in every arena.
Why hasn't an NBA team issued Karate Kid 2-style little tom toms as a free-throw-shooter-distractor? I think I would root for that team.
Just found this on digg... every geek like me has had this speech laid on him at least once.
The worst thing about having a kid is that these stupid "heartwarming" halfitme stories about kids mist me up now. What's happened to me!?
My marriage: year 1 I'm charming; 2, "interesting"; 3, slightly annoying; 4, annoying; 5, I'm pretty sure my wife wants to throw acid on me.
Top 3 bikini moments of the 80s: Heather Thomas "The Fall Guy"; Geena Davis "Earth Girls are Easy"; Catherine Bach "Dukes of Hazzard".
Have you ever been so angry you screwed up your curse? Just dropped my ipod and screamed "Motherkucking fitballs!" Very embarrassing.
Most successful prop bet of 1991: that out of the cast of "The Doors", Kevin Dillon would wind up the most successful in 2009.
Do you think that when Native Americans trip on peyote they get spiritual advice from white businessmen?
Watching Oliver Stone's "The Doors". It's like someone walked by a freshman philosophy major and said, yeah, let's make THAT into a movie.

Monday, June 08, 2009

All right, seeing that video has shown me that I need to ride the exercise bike for approximately 900 million hours. I better get started..
My goofy awkwardness is apparently far more powerful than the meager makeup used by the CBC. I should have requested a mask.
If you've got low self-esteem to begin with, do NOT watch yourself performing standup in HD. I've just acquire 216 new insecurities.
Safari 4 most frequent sites homepage option: America comes face to face with its porn addiction.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

More successful sportscaster that no one on the planet seems to like: Stu Scott or Joe Buck? As annoying as the other side of the pillow!
Is it just me or does the GM "Reinvention" ad sound a lot like a bad husband trying to talk his way back into the house? Baby, I can change!
Kinison just came out. I think I'm actually getting a contact high. You can hear the humming of his coke buzz.
Watching Dangerfield's "It's Not Easy Bein' Me" on HBO. Why did audiences in the 80s look so awful? So, so many unironic mustaches.
Just heard Billy Idol's "Rock the Cradle of Love" - remember the bra girl from that video? Pretty sure she jump-started puberty for me.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Say what you want about the LA fanbase, it has the highest percentage of d-bags wearing porkpie hats in the entire NBA.
I see Stan Van Gundy is wearing a shirt from the new line of Phil Mickelson Man Boob Apparel.
I have the distinct feeling that ABC's "The Superstars" will be discussed at length in a 23rd century book about the fall of America.
Is it just me or does Magic Johnson always sound like he's an alien who just used his alien powers to learn English?
It's such a special moment the first time your wife sees Stan Van Gundy on TV and tries to figure out what, exactly, he's supposed to be.
Something to ponder ladies: whatever part of your body you like the least - fat butt, etc. - there is probably a fetish site devoted to it.
Which is the dirtier non-dirty phrase? "I just googled myself" or "I just binged myself"? I say binged, which is one thing MS has over G.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Just got done doing #1 while the guy in the stall had trouble with #2. It was unsettling. We should have separate poop rooms. It's time!
Funnier John C. Reilly NASCAR movie: Days of Thunder or Talledega Nights? Certainly the acting is more over-the-top in DoT...
Important question: why not just scrap the giant robot nonsense and just have Megan Fox walk around in cutoffs for two hours?
Is the "Loud'N'Clear" bluetooth hearing-aide commercial the new "I've fallen and I can't get up?" I certainly hope so.