jayblackcomedy

2010-01-26T17:22:00.001-05:00

http://ping.fm/speL2
By myself in a hotel again. Warning link NSFW.

2010-01-26T13:36:00.001-05:00

Things are very different in Texas: my rental car came stocked with a loaded .45 and an open container of beer.

2010-01-26T07:19:00.001-05:00

On a plane. Watching people trying to shove a 19th century steamer trunk into the overhead bin fills me with equal parts rage and pity.

2010-01-26T04:40:00.001-05:00

Woke up sad and sick. But my true love was there for me: "Army of Darkness" was on! That's the TLC I needed! Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart.

2010-01-25T17:47:00.001-05:00

I knew "You will die alone in a sea of your own mucus on the day after a Vikings loss" was a suspiciously specific fortune cookie.

2010-01-25T13:32:00.001-05:00

Really sick. Anybody have any spare TLC? I'm willing to trade some snark and a Fantastic Four #239.

2010-01-25T08:57:00.001-05:00

Sick and shivering. I feel like I got a scratch from my nuclear-powered blonde clone. (Fever dream or Superman 4 reference!? I'm not sure.)

2010-01-25T00:10:00.001-05:00

Had my feelings hurt really bad in a text tonight. Damn you technology! If it were 1831, I could have at least taken revenge on the pigeon.

2010-01-24T15:04:00.001-05:00

Etiquette: no matter how much teabagging you do with someone, it's NEVER appropriate to refer to their mouth as your "testicle receptacle".

2010-01-24T14:31:00.001-05:00

New word: choolsy. Def: when a thing's equal parts cool and cheesy. Ex: That Slash solo in the desert in the November Rain video is choolsy!

2010-01-24T14:00:00.001-05:00

I'm watching that British "Don't text while driving" PSA on my iPhone as I drive. I just want a funny story to tell when I get to heaven.

2010-01-24T10:38:00.001-05:00

This episode of The Mickey Mouse Club is riddled with inaccuracies. For example: REAL "space rubber duckies" aren't that big. #badastronomy

2010-01-23T23:53:00.001-05:00

My wife came to the early show tonight and she looks gooooood. Don't get too excited though, I already saw the sweatpants in the car. Sigh.

2010-01-23T02:02:00.001-05:00

Actual Meatloaf lyrics: "She used her body like a bandage/She used my body like a wound". Two words: poetry bitches!

2010-01-22T16:31:00.001-05:00

Awake at 4:30 PM refreshed and ready to take on the world! Also, I need a nap.

2010-01-22T01:33:00.001-05:00

30 minutes till my triumphant appearance on 610 WIP. If you're up and listening, comment here! Also ... WHY are you up and listening?!

2010-01-21T22:29:00.001-05:00

Group of ten bald guys who ruined my show tonight: being dickheads won't bring your hair back.

2010-01-21T13:02:00.001-05:00

I'll be on 610 WIP from 2 AM through 6 AM tonight. Listen at http://www.610wip.com/ My fear? Jaymates + Online Streaming = Crashed Internet.

2010-01-20T08:06:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry, I just don't believe there'd be as much town interest in a grocery bagging contest as this episode of "Curious George" suggests.

2010-01-19T12:42:00.001-05:00

Saw "Revolutionary Road". Of all the ennuis, it's suburban ennui I hate the most. The movie in a sentence: Waaa, I gotta mow the lawn!

2010-01-18T02:44:00.001-05:00

At the airport for my redeye home. Ten hours till I'm home saying things that annoy my wife in person rather than just on the Internet.

2010-01-17T22:20:00.001-05:00

My hobby? Glad you asked - I hang out in courtrooms and whisper incredulously at every twist, no matter how minor. Also, I carve birdhouses.

2010-01-17T21:24:00.001-05:00

Rumor: Heidi Montag's plastic surgery was a cover for the REAL operation - she was having a soul installed. Sadly, I hear it's not taking.

2010-01-17T18:21:00.001-05:00

Watching "Valkyre". Tom Cruise plays a would-be assasin of Hitler who spends his summers as Jamaica's flashiest bartender.

2010-01-17T14:05:00.001-05:00

Do you realize that there are literally thousands of pirates who cannot fully enjoy Avatar in 3D? Text "ARRRR" to help.

2010-01-17T03:40:00.001-05:00

Last update (promise). Outside a tattoo parlor I heard a girl explain that "it wasn't a tramp stamp cause it was off center." Vegas.

2010-01-17T03:12:00.001-05:00

Dance like nobody's watching. But know this: I'm watching. And more than likely laughing. Sorry.

2010-01-17T02:41:00.001-05:00

Just saw a guy in an Arctic-level parka with a gaping head wound. Vegas baby.

2010-01-16T22:40:00.001-05:00

Trying to figure out what "From Paris with Love" is about. Something involving "Just For Men Beard Dye", I'm guessing...

2010-01-16T21:04:00.001-05:00

Of all the awful things we do that our decendants will judge us for, I think the worst is having a commercial after the TD AND the kickoff.

2010-01-16T17:01:00.001-05:00

Why hasn't congress done something about Tony Siragusa?

2010-01-16T05:41:00.001-05:00

Why are the people most likely to wear an American flag jacket usually the people we'd least like associated with our country?

2010-01-15T23:51:00.001-05:00

Idea: the Sahara should reinvent itself as a Crystal Meth "theme" casino.

2010-01-15T06:14:00.001-05:00

Just walked through the Sahara casino at 3 AM. Felt like Vincent Price should have been narrating ...

2010-01-14T23:08:00.001-05:00

Just watched Annie on "Community", braless and in a cheerleader outfit. Managed to creep myself out. On the bright side, I think I'm healed!

2010-01-14T21:50:00.001-05:00

Ate the meatballs in the Sahara Employee Cafe and haven't left my bed since. I'm a couple of urine jugs away from becoming Howard Hughes.

2010-01-14T00:13:00.001-05:00

Backstage. I'm watching a fake Dean Martin talk to a fake Sammy Davis Jr. It's hard to describe the range of emotions I'm feeling right now.

2010-01-13T23:13:00.001-05:00

Watching American Idol. I miss irony.

2010-01-13T22:04:00.001-05:00

TV show idea: "Man vs. Food vs. Predator".

2010-01-13T20:48:00.001-05:00

Prostitutes advertise in Vegas with the slogan "Don't like? Don't pay!" They should also mention the 3rd component of that: a free stabbing.

2010-01-13T16:24:00.001-05:00

Here's the helipad. All that's missing is the BJ Hunnicutt of old-school Vegas writing "Goodbye" with rocks.

2010-01-13T16:16:00.001-05:00

Looking at the Sahara's helipad. Sad it's still here so long after outliving its usefulness - like implants on an elderly cocktail waitress.

2010-01-13T02:13:00.001-05:00

Watching Glenn Beck explain our tax system using actual slices of pie. This combines my two favorite things: misinformation and pastry.

2010-01-12T21:11:00.001-05:00

Watching the Van Wilder prequel. Trivia: the producers kept Baubo, the Greek Goddess of Humor on set at all times for easy rapin'.

2010-01-12T02:49:00.001-05:00

Cuando usted no tiene acceso a la pornografía, la televisión española está ahí para usted como un ángel de la guarda.

2010-01-12T02:02:00.001-05:00

I admire Greta Van Susteren's commitment to her Little Nicky impression.

2010-01-11T14:53:00.001-05:00

Dear mad BO scientist trying to create a species of BO-enhanced subhumans: I've found an escaped patient riding the hotel shuttle in Vegas!

2010-01-11T05:39:00.001-05:00

The only two phrases worse than "we have a COMPLETELY full flight" are "It's herpes" and "the bottle just landed on Jay Black".

2010-01-11T02:44:00.001-05:00

When do you know that you're hopelessly dependent on OTC sleep medications? At 2:43 AM on a night you can't take them.

2010-01-10T18:50:00.001-05:00

If I were an NFL coach, I'd challenge every TD using Zeno's Paradox on the assumption that the refs couldn't sum a series.

2010-01-10T16:07:00.001-05:00

Went to the movies with my son. A preview for "The Last Song" came on and we both sighed with boredom at the same time. That's my boy!

2010-01-10T13:31:00.001-05:00

Who experiences more discomfort? The average American travelling coach on an airline or Dudley visiting Gordon Jump's bike shop?

2010-01-09T23:06:00.001-05:00

Warning: Dennis Miller Joke ahead. That TD the Eagles tacked on was about as meaningful as the fairwell oral sex Mrs. Garp gave her student.

2010-01-09T11:32:00.001-05:00

At an FYE in Scranton. Just saw a copy of "Good Luck Chuck" on BluRay for $40. I feel like this whole city needs a stern talking to.

2010-01-08T16:06:00.001-05:00

At a Panera next to a group of cool high school kids. Totally reminds me of my own high school experience (because I'm alone on a computer).

2010-01-08T14:50:00.001-05:00

In Scranton to do standup. Sorry to brag. Listen, keep working and maybe you'll be in Scranton one day too. No I'm not crying. Shut up!!

2010-01-07T18:58:00.001-05:00

Cartoons are so different now. Watching "George the Semi-Curious Special Ed Monkey". All he cares to know is the minimum he needs for a D.

2010-01-07T15:06:00.001-05:00

Every Thursday at 10 PM my combination tanning salon/Mexican horse-steroid dealership has a mysterious dropoff in business.

2010-01-06T19:12:00.001-05:00

I'll be sitting in on WIP from 2 AM until 6 AM tonight. They've assured me this is when the most people are listening.

2010-01-05T12:13:00.001-05:00

Important statistic: girls who own two or more airbrushed t-shirts are 59% more likely to bang a dude in a conversion van.

2010-01-04T17:28:00.001-05:00

Has anybody read Anathem? I'm dying to discuss it. If I don't find someone soon, I'll have to paint a face on a volleyball and talk to it.

2010-01-04T14:31:00.001-05:00

Taking down a fake Christmas tree sucks. The old days were better- you'd just wait for the tree to burn down your house. Bonus: new house!

2010-01-04T11:28:00.001-05:00

Watching "Basic Instinct". Two things people in erotic thrillers are inexplicably ok with: ripped buttons and sex with Michael Douglas.

2010-01-04T07:22:00.001-05:00

TLC's dream show: a family of 18 midget kids who own a fancy cake making business. That is the basic cable Holy Grail.

2010-01-03T20:16:00.001-05:00

Luke Wilson's mouth tells us lies about AT&T; his body tells us truths about the dangers of complex carbohydrates.

2010-01-03T18:18:00.001-05:00

Joe Buck is the Platonic Ideal of douche. Next to Joe all other douches are just shadows dancing on a cave wall.

2010-01-03T11:42:00.001-05:00

My son just saw a cartoon train filled with ice cream on TV. He lost his baby mind. It's if I found boobs you could watch Star Wars on.

2010-01-03T01:43:00.001-05:00

Larry King is interviewing Dolly Parton. Feels like a Karnak joke: "How do you describe it when three big boobs are together?"

2010-01-02T20:49:00.001-05:00

My sexy bathroom has 270 degrees of mirrors, so I can say now definitively that my back is just as awful as my front.

2010-01-02T17:03:00.001-05:00

I imagine that the only thing keeping Bruce Jenner from crying about his life with the Khardashians is his lack of functioning tear-ducts.

2010-01-02T12:07:00.001-05:00

Just realized I've never been seduced. Unless you count a girl shouting "Fine! If it'll shut you up!" as being "seduced".

2010-01-02T00:28:00.001-05:00

I think all the people who say "it's not worth it to hate your enemies" don't know how to hate correctly.

2010-01-01T16:16:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting by myself in a heart-shaped jacuzzi reading a science fiction book. Not sure if I've made the right or wrong choices in life.

2010-01-01T01:18:00.001-05:00

Just got back from the show and accidentally saw Colin Cowherd on TV: 2010 is already ruined.

2009-12-31T22:59:00.001-05:00

May your 2010 be free from stabbing, or, if you must be stabbed, may your stabbing be gentle and lethality-free.

2009-12-30T23:21:00.001-05:00

Keane does Marlon Brando (except for maybe the choo choo shirt; I'm not 100% Brando wore that in "The Wild One").

2009-12-30T21:37:00.001-05:00

I'll be on 610 WIP in Philly again tomorrow from 8 AM until 10 AM. Use it as a springboard to your night of drinking!

2009-12-29T11:55:00.001-05:00

Watching the awful "8 Days a Week" because I vaguely remember a wet t-shirt scene. Imagine my productivity if I was born without a penis.

2009-12-28T21:20:00.001-05:00

Watching "He's Just Not That Into You". Better title: "Good Looking People I Don't Give A Damn About And Also Scarlett Johansson's Boobs".

2009-12-28T08:40:00.001-05:00

New game: Worst Two-Word Biography Title. Me first! "Bloated Scrotum: The Jay Black Story".

2009-12-27T14:47:00.001-05:00

My son had a truck and was happy. A little girl wanted the truck and he gave it to her. Now, she's happy and he's sad. Get used to it kid.

2009-12-27T00:28:00.001-05:00

If I'm ever gunned down, I hope my son does the respectful thing and becomes a vengence-obsessed masked vigilante.

2009-12-26T13:04:00.001-05:00

My wife explained to me that she loved the necklace I got her so much we had to return it. I think I may have married an Orwell novel.

2009-12-26T10:10:00.001-05:00

What are your December 26th traditions? I listen to "Brick" by Ben Folds Five while I stare at my gifts and wonder why I'm not happy.

2009-12-25T22:26:00.001-05:00

I'm a CubanoGoth: instead of cutting myself, I watch post-Jerry Maguire Cuban Gooding Jr. movies. "Snow Dogs" makes the pain real.

2009-12-25T19:37:00.001-05:00

Two glasses of wine + 30 minutes of blowing up an inflatable toy = super high. If you have merlot and a beachball, you have a party.

2009-12-25T12:58:00.001-05:00

Saw an NBA promo where the Knicks visited sick kids. I felt so sad for the kids: to be sick AND to have to feign excitement over the Knicks!

2009-12-24T21:43:00.001-05:00

Tip: instead of arguing politics at your holiday party, rip your pants off and masturbate violently. Trust me, it will be better received.

2009-12-23T14:27:00.001-05:00

I'll be sitting in on the morning show on 610 WIP from 8-10 AM tomorrow. If you're out of area, now would be the time to move to Philly!

2009-12-23T12:25:00.001-05:00

Maybe Balloon Boy's father will go to the jail where they film MSNBC's "Lockup". I mean, it _is_ a reality show, right?

2009-12-23T09:56:00.001-05:00

TV show idea: "Pleaters". Host Joey Greco takes us into the decadent world of the khaki pants industry.

2009-12-23T09:38:00.001-05:00

How many hours a day do you think "Cheaters" host Joey Greco spends in front of a mirror practicing human emotions? At least 2 or 3, right?

2009-12-22T06:38:00.001-05:00

Watching "Back to School". One of the few movies to truly capture America's intense love-affair with collegiate diving.

2009-12-21T17:33:00.001-05:00

Every holiday Kay Jewelers ad: hot girl and d-bag do something wintery, d-bag pulls out shitty necklace, hot girl's look implies oral. Fin.

2009-12-21T06:42:00.001-05:00

Sadder moment: Jennifer Conelly's "Requiem for a Dream" character going ass-to-ass or _any_ line of dialog on Disney's "Imagination Movers"?

2009-12-20T18:21:00.001-05:00

Theory: women like _mildly_ funny men. A constant string of mediocre jokes keeps her happy; super-funny MechaGodzilla jokes annoy her.

2009-12-20T14:08:00.001-05:00

My son keeps snatching my glasses and running into the other room with them. I'm literally being bullied by a two year old.

2009-12-20T14:05:00.001-05:00

If my wife were turned into a magical Norse weapon, her name would be "Der Joykiller".

2009-12-19T21:47:00.001-05:00

Disappointment #1422: Mt. Rushmore has been struck by lightening thousands of times and yet not one of the sculptures have come to life.

2009-12-19T16:47:00.001-05:00

Uncle Vinnies show is cancelled tonight due to the plot of "The Day After Tomorrow" coming true. I'll update when we reschedule!