Lady GaGa is inexplicably attractive. It's like she's a soup made only of unpalatable ingredients that somehow manages to taste good.

If someone went into a coma 3 years ago and woke up during the MNF game, I bet it'd be easy to convince him he was in a mirror universe.

New game! Funniest adverb to describe the word "masturbating". Me first: Furiously.

If there was an unintentionally gay Smithsonian, Apollo's half shirt and short shorts from Rocky III would be its Spirit of St. Louis.

[((John+Kate+8)-(Kate+8))*(Ed Hardy t-shirts)*(Hair Implants)*(Earrings)]/(TLC) = Extraordinary Douchebag. It's just simple math.

Our weekly Black Family Poll shows that almost 1/3rd of the family and a staggering 100% of the women think that I'm a dingleberry.

Whenver ESPN anchors talk about the WNBA, they get the same blankly annoyed look a teacher gets when it's a slow readers turn to read aloud.

Watching "Rambo": a suprisingly harrowing look at the horrors of war. Also the horrors of plastic surgery and HGH abuse.

My wife told me my hands were girly, bringing my total unattractive parts to 2157. Don't worry: I find a look of resigned obligation hot.

Early, unsuccesful business ventures from the Cash4Gold guys: Coins4Tungsten, Backrubs4Uranium, and ProstateMassage4Xenon.

Advice to Obama: keep Czars, but change their title to "Galactic Freedom Knights". Also, get them matching unitards.

I'm sorry: lip piercings just look like sparkly cold sores to me. I keep thinking "what a cute incurable disease!"

I can't confirm this, but my research leads me to believe that some of the scenes in "The Hills" are staged. "21" scandal in the making?

Tip: if you have a slow-moving, angry old man fetish, I've got four words for you: diner at 10:30 am. You're welcome!

According to Senator Coburn's chief of staff, watching straight pornography turns you gay. If that's true, then I'm really, _really_ gay.

Ron Jaworski has reached a point where he's more believable as a man in a Mrs. Doubtfire costume than a former NFL quarterback.

Watching "Back to the Future II". I'm starting to be a little doubtful of the accuracy of its predictions for 2015.

I've just been informed that Mel Torme died in 1999. I think it's obvious what killed him: the German porno industry.

Do you think Mel Torme is mad at the German porno industry for forever altering the public's perception of what "scat" is? I'm thinking yes.

Just heard the term "serial rapist" and couldn't shake the image of a weeping Count Chocula. Is it possible I'm sliding into dementia?

Pam Oliver just said that Westbrook was being treated with a "vibrating thingy" she's "never seen before". Pam, we both know that's a lie.

The only thing making me feel better about Reggie Bush scoring that TD is that Kim Kardashian probably gave him pulsing mutant super herpes.

Fact: America's longest period of prolonged prosperity coincided perfectly with MTV regularly airing all-bikini episodes of The Grind.

Philly people: I'm on WIP at 9 AM. Cleveland people: I'm on Fox at 10 AM. Rest of the country: you lucked out- no seeing me this morning.

By the way, you can judge for yourself this week in Cleveland. I'm at Hilarities all week: http://ping.fm/6HF42

A woman after the show tonight told me, "you're lucky you're funny, because you are _not_ hot!" Comedy: a nightly trip back to high school!

My son is awesome (and he certainly has more balls than his father).

If Tony Dungy was a D&D character, he'd be a half-elf Paladin.

Advice to Obama: claim insurance companies are linked to Al-Qaeda. When people object, call them anti-troops. Voilà! Health Care Reform.

Headline from tomorrow's Daily Trojan: USC True Freshman Quarterback Matt Barkley Tragically Killed in Vagina Avalanche.

Lost a little weight and boy, the girls in Vegas are noticing! Every two minutes a sexy, slightly meth-addicted lady asks to go to my room!

Here's one of the guys. If there are reports out of Vegas of extreme plumbing problems, it's probably his fault.

Two guys are attempting to eat a 6 pound burrito at the NASCAR Cafe. And you thought the class of Sinatra's Vegas was gone!

Just saw a woman trying to recapture the glamor of Vegas in the 60s by drinking a beer while visibly pregnant. Vegas baby!

Tim McGraw, I salute you sir. It takes a special kind of talent to make me long for The Black Eyed Peas.

Watching NBC pregame and lemme tell you: I can't think of a better way to get pumped for football than a Tim McGraw midtempo love ballad.

Lessons I've learned from "Taken": 1) approximately 80% of Paris is involved in the underground sex trade. 2) Do not make Liam Neeson angry.

Watching the speech: I hearby nominate the guy in the purple tie who's been blackberrying the whole time as America's douchiest congressman.

We need a Geneva convention to negotiate bigger bathing suits for European men vacationing in America.

Watching a movie on my laptop before the show. Then? Writing till my NyQuil kicks in. Vegas baby! Yeeeeeeeah!

Only 6 channels in my room and one of them is showing my son's favorite show. Wondering if there's a "will Jay cry" line at the sports book.

Irony of Vegas: I had to present ID to buy Sudafed at a pharmacy that was literally next door to a happy-ending massage parlor.

Incidentally, I'm performing all week in the Congo Room at the Sahara. Such history! I almost slipped on a Jerry Lewis hair-oil puddle.

Main advantage of the pool at the Sahara? No embarrassment at going shirtless. I barely qualify as overweight or even hairy here.

Obama should replace Van Jones with the van from the A-Team. Technically not a person, but even Glenn Beck would have to admit it's awesome.

Apparently, at age 70, the part of the brain in charge of wanting to drive RVs triples in size, killing the part that resists telemarketers.

So dissapointed. Thought I saw a super hero driving. Turns out it was just a guy who really likes neon in his car for some reason.

Indisbutable fact: any business with "quality" in its name will, in fact, be awful. I'm looking at you Quality Inn, Lebanon, PA.

To distract America from my recent misstep, I will release a sex tape. If anyone wants to make one, let me know - it'll be a quick shoot.

I've just been informed that my last game was inadvertenly stolen from MadTV. How humiliating! I am the Jayson Blair of social media.

Last game today: cast the voice actors for "Sex Toy Story". Me first! Michael Clark Duncan as "Black Hammer", the tough but kind 14" dildo.

New game: best song to accompany an STD medication commercial. Me first! Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire".

Remember this truth always: no matter what you're watching on TV, someone, somewhere is masturbating to it.

Assignment for students: consider the dangers of "indoctrination" during the pledge of allegiance; try to keep your brain from exploding.

Saw an ad for a college with a guy and girl BOTH playing instruments on the quad. "At our college you'll annoyed on the way to every class".

New game: children's programming titles that sound like they could double as "adult movie" titles. Me first: HBO's "A Little Curious".

I'm finally home ... and my wife has planned a day trip! This is like if I celebrated our son's birth by putting a watermelon in her uterus.

States I've been in this week: NJ, NY, CA, iL, IN, OH, PA, VT, NH, MA, ME, and CT. My comedy is officially being tracked by the CDC.

Drank a "Rockstar Energy Shot". They're lying. Even Amy Winehouse wouldn't put this stuff in her body. It's like NyQuil mixed with sadness.

I switched seats so a couple could sit together. I'm hoping this flight leads to a divorce. I'm not a hateful person - just a fan of irony.

Leaving LA now. I was worried that I had been turned into a LA-dbag but both my pyschic AND the guy at the fedora store told me I was okay.

Hypothetical queztion: if you were investing in an unaurhorized Barney-themed porno would you call it "Purple Rain" or "Deep Purple"?

New game: Obama's action vs. Fox News's headline. Me first! Obama cures cancer! "How Obama's war on doctors affects YOUR gun ownership."

Michael Vick "has butterflies" about his first game. Could Vick already be planning an underground butterfly-fighting ring?

The Schuylkill Expressway is like herpes on an ex: every time I start missing Philly it's there to remind me, "Oh, right - diseased vagina."

Watching Larry King run a debate on healthcare. So far no one's said the obvious: 87% of our healthcare money goes to keeping King alive.

Great show at Rockford College tonight, but I'm missing my son. Emotional breakdown to the tune of "Cat's in the Cradle" in 3...2...1...

At the airport, sad to be leaving my son for another tour. I'd be clever here, but the TSA confiscated my sense of humor and will to live.

Staying in a hotel that feels it necessary to post their policy regarding cleanup fees of vomit and urine. Yep, comedy is working out fine!

Inspired by Radio Shack changing its name to "The Shack", I've decided to start calling herpes "The Pees". Doesn't that sound more fun?

Important life tip: if someone has a purposefully asymmetrical 9 inch goatee, there's a good chance he probably isn't a surgeon.

Here's an Entourage spoiler: next week it will be revealed that E's girlfriend started normal size but was shrunk in a WonkaVision accident.

Has there ever been a bigger "f-u" to the conventional thinking on skin cancer than William Devane's tan in "Space Cowboys"?

Whenever my wife and I have a screaming match, I just tell my son, "Mommy and Daddy aren't fighting, we're just having a town hall meeting."

Important question: if Jon and Kate get divorced, who gets custody of Jon's hair implants?

Watching "Rudy". If you don't cry at the end of this movie, give yourself the Voight-Kampff test because you're probably a replicant.

Performing at Penn State for teens at a "formal optional" event. Girls look like princesses; boys like particularly unsuccesful hobos.

Levels of traffic: 1. Annoyed 2. Angry 3. Irate 4. Hate-filled 5. Actively rooting for the swine flu.

Michael Vick talk got me bumped from my two radio spots this morning! This is easily the worst thing he's ever done.

To all Eagles fans upset about Vick, don't be naive! Vick's not the first! Chuck Bednarik once forced a polar bear to knife-fight a rhino.

I'm writing an alternate history book about a world where I didn't write the book. Ready to have your mind blown: it's just like our world!

My son is running around the house pantless right now. I was the same way when I was his age! Also in my twenties. And yesterday.

Let's try that again: just saw an ad for a zebra-print snuggie. I guess sometimes you want to signal your douchebaggery in capital letters.

Just saw an ad for a zebra snuggie. I guess sometimes you want

There's a new kids show called "Dinosaur Train". Did they just combine random words that kids like? Here's my idea: "Ice Cream Bubble Fart".

If I ever become a billionaire, I'll use the money to digitally insert Heath Ledger's Joker character into 10 Things I Hate About You.

Prick test over. Wasn't bad - only thing was the doc gave the test to me on a pinball machine while his allergist friends cheered him on.

Now at the allergist. I am about to be given what I'm told is the "prick test". I think the real test is whether I can keep from giggling.

I accidentally went to the wrong office for my neurological exam. The obvious joke here is...uh...sorry, I lost my train of thought.

Here's me as Jay Leno: Congress extended "Cash for Clunkers". In related news, Bill Clinton extended his "Cash for Junk-in-the-Trunkers."

Just got done my back rehab (designed to strengthen my core). I've discovered that I've got the musculature of a newborn baby.

Sometimes I feel like Tyler Perry is making movies just to confuse me.

Why do summer camp designers insist on putting "slob" camps right next to "snob" camps? It's like they _want_ confrontation.

Watching PGA golf while folding laundry. Yep, I'm living the dream! By the way, that sound you hear is my soul weeping.

There's a softcore porno on The Movie Channel right now. I'm gonna be honest, the acting is a little stiff. Hiyoooooooo!

Going onstage at Uncle Vinnies in 40 minutes! Also, I'm wearing a purple shirt. Tickets still available tomorrow http://ping.fm/nZy0g

Please excuse the uncharacteristic sentimentalism, but I thought this story about John Hughes was the bee's knees: http://ping.fm/OyIdF

At Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant Friday and Saturday. Imagine seeing my girlish figure in person! http://ping.fm/ZWAG7

Well, the great twitter blackout of '09 is over. Do you think there'll be a spike in nerd births 9 months from now?

If you're at all interested in trying to get ahead in the entertainment business, I suggest checking this out: http://ping.fm/RIrqY