More disturbing thought: your daughter is kidnapped by the thugs from "Taken" or she's chosen to be on the 2nd season of "Jersey Shore".

Performing at a church. Average age of the crowd is (conservative estimate) 14,000 years old. Anybody have any good Pope Pious IV jokes?

Watching Goonies. Ladies, which is the more unappealing look? Josh Brolin's headband/shorts-over-the-sweatpants outfit or Sloth?

My capacity to offend people with in depth stories about pornography has not diminished! Felt like Rocky coming out of retirement tonight.

Sirius 60's on 6 is a great station: wonderful music + the fun of listening to classic DJs like Cousin Brucie as they slide into dementia.

Auto-Tune is to the music industry what fake boobs were to the porn industry. It'll still be fun but somehow Little Bill winds up dead.

Phrase I just invented: "Summer Catch-22". Def: when you waste time on an awful movie for a nude/bikini scene only to realize you missed it.

If the iPhone is the world's sexiest woman, AT&T is the STD you kinda know she has, but that you're too horny to think clearly about.

If hacker movies from the mid-nineties are right, all you need to do to crack any computer code is to type randomly while the camera spins.

Watching my son size up another baby around the Thomas the Tank Engine table at Barnes and Noble. It's like Ali-Frazier right now.

I keep hearing that Sarah Palin can "field dress a moose". Is this code for something dirty? If not, why not?

Kenny Albert: "the Eagles are really kickin' themselves in the foot with these penalties". Indeed, sir.

The European Dutch have pot and hookers. The Pennsylvania Dutch have bonnets and horses. I think America got the short end of that stick.

My wife said the TV character I most remind her of is Dexter. I've never seen the show - I assume he's a handsome, well-adjusted comedian?

9 AM: my wife picks the _exact_ peak of my REM cycle to scream "GO GET BAGELS!" at me. If they kept stats for this, she'd be Joe DiMaggio.

"The Road" is about an apocalypse. "Old Dogs" make you wish for one.

Do you like comedy? Do you like over-priced Amish knicknacks? Well, then, saddle-up and see me at Stitches in Lancaster, PA this weekend!

First we give thanks, then we trample each other for one-day markdowns on consumer goods ... just as the Pilgrims did.

Thanksgiving tip: when listing things you're thankful for at the table, try to limit the number of pornstars you mention to three at most.

Just flipped from a Beatles doc and "True Life: Jersey Shore". One moment: loving humanity. The next: rooting for a zombie apocalypse.

Here's how I would advertise "The Road" tomorrow: "What better way to end a day with your family than by imagining a world without them?"

AT&T _should_ be advertising it's killer feature: a network so unreliable that you can hang up on any unwanted call and blame it on AT&T.

My wife cooks pork the same day we get swine flu vaccines. It's "pigs can suck it day" at the Black house!

Dear movie characters, if the evil frat boy you're arguing with turns around to walk away, he will actually punch you 109 times out of 100.

Just got the H1N1 vaccine! Finally I can get back to my unique sexual fetish: oil wretling with people infected with swine flu.

In a movie, if you leave a party to stare off a balcony, your love interest will seek you out. In real life, they hook up with a frat boy.

Watching 1995's "Bye Bye Love". Was America ever innocent enough that Mathew Modine, Paul Reiser, and Randy Quaid could greenlight a movie?

Thinking about starting a band named "The Beedles" just to annoy people who use voice controls on their iPod.

Okay, so ipowerweb is an awful, _awful_ web hosting service. I need a new one. Any suggestions? (GoDaddy? I enjoy boob-based advertising..)

Christmas lights up; kid napping; Bruce playing "Born to Run" in 5.1 on the HD. Is this what you humans call "happiness"?

If I were a mute assasin, I'd want my nickname to be SBD (silent ... but deadly).

The one lesson to take away from 1983's "BMX Bandits" is that the color of your BMX bike tires should ALWAYS match your BMX jumpsuit.

Stalin-era Russian work camp. Single men: This is horrible! Married men: Hey shut up - you want to ruin this and get us sent home!?

There comes a point as a married man where the events of even the tamest porno become indistinguishable from science fiction.

My brother, Greg Black, just joined facebook. Friend him if you're so inclined. Be warned: if you tell him about Farmville I will kill you.

Dear whoever is in charge of making sure the rest stop on I-684E between NY and CT doesn't smell like a barrel of hobo-pee: you suck.

Off to CT to perform at an Elks Lodge. Yep, bet the girls I graduated with feel pretty stupid they didn't date me when they had the chance!

New favorite game: trying to guess if the commercial I'm watching is for Broadview Home Security. "Where's Waldo the Creepy Sex Criminal?"

Ignore the last update. It was an aborted Twilight joke that somehow slipped out.

My granddad used to refer to taking a poop as "going to the Twilight Zone". Used to think he was referencing the TV show, but

Watching Predator. TWO governors star in this movie! Little know bonus fact: the Predator is played by UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.

Programming note: I'll be on 610 WIP in Philly today at 9:30 AM. If your boss won't let you listen at work, you have my blessing to quit!

Told my wife I did some housework "for her". After a lecture on the implications of that statement, I wanted to kill myself ... "for us".

I think you can listen to Jenny McCarthy about vaccinations. I get MY financial advice from Pam Anderson. Also, Holly Madison is my dentist.

Politically, people confuse hate for one side as love for the other. It's like saying "I hate face punches so I guess I love scrote-kicks".

Every teen considering smoking should share a hotel room with my brother. It's like spending the night in a 19th century TB clinic.

Life truth #1544: in any given bookstore, as the ratio of calendars to books approaches 1:1, the quality of that bookstore approaches 0.

Mcing. Just intro'd a rapper named "Alexie". He's mad at me for pronouncing it as it's spelled instead of "Alex-A". I am _so_ getting shot.

Challenge: if MIT and Satan were given $10 trillion, could they come up with a less pleasant flying experience than the one we have now?

Biiiiiiig woman on the plane next to me. So much of her flesh crept under the armrest that I think I _technically_ cheated on my wife.

If MN is the Pippin of "making you want to kill yourself for lack of anything to see while driving at night", then IA is the Jordan.

New Jaymate alert: I'll be making another appearance on WIP tomorrow at 5:25 AM. If you're up that early ... reconsider your life choices.

Iowa realtor Susan Hawkins is so good she doesn't need a "real" billboard; she can print _her_ ad on white flimsy plastic tied to a stick!

Judging from my stay at the Super 8, "super" must be Iowa slang for "dead ladybugs and broken dreams."

Attention Jaymates: I'll be on 610 WIP at 8:45 this morning. If you're in Philly and own a fancy AM radio, check it out!

I'm at a Super 8 between a dog food factory and a rendering plant. If you had the over on "minutes Jay weeps in Iowa", you're making money!

I will never know the pain of childbirth, but my wife will never know the pain of a noon show in a cafeteria in Iowa. I think it's a wash.

My wife and I have been together 9 years today. She just emailed me "Happy 8 years". Honest mistake? Or was she unhappy 1/9th of the time?

If MInnesota was cool, they'd change the names of Minneapolis and St. Paul to "Tomax" and "Xamot".

Driving all night. Question: am I big enough back home that if I crash I get a story + an obit or just an obit? I'm thinking obit only.

Another lonely night driving by myself. Makes me wish I had multiple personalities. Bonus: masturbating would be like an orgy!

I'm slipping into depression. FYI: While depressed, I shall communicate only through goth poetry. "Vampire darkness/Hot Topic pants."

If aliens come to earth and demand to see proof of our worthiness as a species, I suggest we DO NOT show them AT&T's cell network.

Curious as to what pitching a movie is like? Start approaching random women and asking them "Hey, how 'bout a BJ" until one says yes.

If casinos have to put gambling addiction hotline numbers on their ads, shouldn't strippers have to use their tramp stamp space for VD info?

There's a huge sign in LAX that says "Going Down? Use the handrail". Why hasn't an enterprising college kid stolen this for over his bed?

E.T. had an easier time phoning home than I have reaching my wife. Thinking about getting a Speak'nSpell and trying that way.

If someone is coughing on a plane during flu season, everyone on that plane should be allowed punch him on the way out.

Jay Leno joke from 2031: The guy who invented Viagra died yesterday. As a show of respect, the flag will be kept at full mast for 4 hours.

Do ghost kids stay at the mental level they were when they died? Because it'd be hard to be scared of someone who falls for "got your nose".

Dear bald, coughing armrest hog from my flight this morning: there is literally nothing in this world I hate as much as you. That is all.

Judging from the Dino De Laurentiis "Flash Gordon", the Italian for "campy fun" and "shit-filled carbuncle" is confusingly similar.

Just saw a billboard advertising "mature fantasy". I can only assume they mean refinancing a mortgage at under 5% and a solid BM.

Watching Michael Jackson videos on MTV. The venn diagram overlap of "good dancer" and "believable gang member" is a slim sliver indeed.

The UFL is like trying to seduce a girl by saying "Hey, I'm not as good looking as other guys, but on the other hand, I'm bad in bed."

New word for the private area of a woman who is cold in bed: brrrrrr-gina.

You know, if I knew a diamond ring was coming next, I'd be secretly hoping that that mocking bird don't sing.

Amish people have such a strong community: just saw a group of them surround an ED sufferer and perform a weiner raising.

Fact: if Walt Whitman were alive today, most of his poetry would be about how much Philly's airport sucks.

Some see the glass half empty; others half full. I'm suspicious the liquid in the glass might be poison.

I'm pretty sure at this point you could replace me with Dick Sargent.

If I had spent all the hours I've spent in doctor's waiting rooms studying, I could've gotten a medical degree and diagnosed myself.

The irony of the doctor's waiting room is that the longer I'm there, the more I actively wish for my own death.

My wife woke me out of happy-sleep for a little "hot and heavy"! (HnH is our phrase for "looking for clothes as loudly as possible").

Watching a Halloween parade with the family. I love parades! They combine my two favorite things: boredom and carbon monoxide poisoning.

Biggest fear: nuclear war. Second biggest fear: getting invited over Nancy Grace's house and spilling wine on something.

Keane's first haircut. If cute were fat and awesome was presidential timber, than this pic is William Howard Taft.

New game: worst possible wedding song? Me first! "Brick" by Ben Folds Five.

Saw a girl smoking and talking on a cell phone while waiting to get a tan. I imagine Three Mile Island was booked and she had to make do.

New game! Pop culture item most likely to have a chapter about it in a book about the fall of the American empire. Me first: "Made of Honor"

Hot girl Halloween idea: put on a skimpy jersey and a pair of cat ears and go as The Wildcat Offense. Also: trick or treat at my house.

At the vet. There's a poster explaining that a symptom of Lyme disease is "recurring lameness". So that explains it: I have Lyme disease.

Hey JayMates: I'm at the Comedy Stop at the Trop in AC all week! Come! There's a mirror in the greenroom so I MIGHT start each show weeping!

Saw a Native American hitchhiker today. Normally I ignore hitchhikers, but in honor of Columbus day, I ran him over and stole all his stuff.

Try to celebrate tomorrow the way Columbus himself would've wanted you to: discover something, then plunder the living shit out of it.

Lady GaGa is inexplicably attractive. It's like she's a soup made only of unpalatable ingredients that somehow manages to taste good.

If someone went into a coma 3 years ago and woke up during the MNF game, I bet it'd be easy to convince him he was in a mirror universe.

New game! Funniest adverb to describe the word "masturbating". Me first: Furiously.

If there was an unintentionally gay Smithsonian, Apollo's half shirt and short shorts from Rocky III would be its Spirit of St. Louis.

[((John+Kate+8)-(Kate+8))*(Ed Hardy t-shirts)*(Hair Implants)*(Earrings)]/(TLC) = Extraordinary Douchebag. It's just simple math.