Just heard Billy Idol's "Rock the Cradle of Love" - remember the bra girl from that video? Pretty sure she jump-started puberty for me.

Say what you want about the LA fanbase, it has the highest percentage of d-bags wearing porkpie hats in the entire NBA.

I see Stan Van Gundy is wearing a shirt from the new line of Phil Mickelson Man Boob Apparel.

I have the distinct feeling that ABC's "The Superstars" will be discussed at length in a 23rd century book about the fall of America.

Is it just me or does Magic Johnson always sound like he's an alien who just used his alien powers to learn English?

It's such a special moment the first time your wife sees Stan Van Gundy on TV and tries to figure out what, exactly, he's supposed to be.

Something to ponder ladies: whatever part of your body you like the least - fat butt, etc. - there is probably a fetish site devoted to it.

Which is the dirtier non-dirty phrase? "I just googled myself" or "I just binged myself"? I say binged, which is one thing MS has over G.

Just got done doing #1 while the guy in the stall had trouble with #2. It was unsettling. We should have separate poop rooms. It's time!

Funnier John C. Reilly NASCAR movie: Days of Thunder or Talledega Nights? Certainly the acting is more over-the-top in DoT...

Important question: why not just scrap the giant robot nonsense and just have Megan Fox walk around in cutoffs for two hours?

Is the "Loud'N'Clear" bluetooth hearing-aide commercial the new "I've fallen and I can't get up?" I certainly hope so.

I'm considering a descent into madness. I'll stop worrying all the time and I imagine I'll enjoy Sgt. Pepper's even more than I do now.

Ok. Pizza and basketball. Time for an afternoon of pretending to be a real man. Maybe I'll grow a beard and then restore a classic car afterward!

Is there any worse feeling in this world than when the overweight woman in line in front of you at Walmart takes out coupons?

Sitting in the lingerie section of Macys waiting for my wife and trying to avoid looking perverted. Hard to do when you ARE perverted.

Got a new haircut because Comedy Central wants me to "look less monstrous". I should be ok for the audition so long as it's not lit.

Adding sites to Ping.Fm. I feel so bad that I ignored myspace and livejournal. I'm a really bad social media parent.

I've just installed Ping.Fm. With any luck, every single one of my networks should update right now. Lazy + Technology = Happiness.

In which our hero makes some friends in Canada

So, I'm in Nova Scotia, performing in the Halifax comedy festival. I arrived last night and watched the opening night gala (my first show isn't until today). Afterward, I went to the after-party with the other performers and talked shop. Here are some observations I have about the night:

1. No matter what I've done in my life, I'm still five years old when it comes to meeting new people. Walking into the greenroom felt like the first day of kindergarten. Oh, it worked out a lot better than grammar school did (no puking), but it galls me that at 32, I still get butterflies about meeting new people. I hope that my son is better than I am about social anxiety.

2. Canadians are as friendly as advertised, even the comedians. This is disconcerting. My experience has taught me that other comics should either be a) horrible or b) fake-nice. "Real niceness" is going to take some getting used to.

3. I shouldn't drink. Seriously, I had two white wines and a three vodka cranberries at the after party and I woke up this morning feeling like Nicholas Cage in the third act of "Leaving Las Vegas." (By the way, there's nothing more embarrassing than not drinking beer in front of Canadians. Everyone kept asking me if I wanted one, and every time I would launch into a long, annoying explanation of how I never developed a taste for it, even though I tried. I think someone ought to sell wine coolers in beer bottles so people like me don't feel bad all the time).

My first show is tonight. I hope it goes well. I woke up this morning with a deep fear that the people of Canada won't get my Skittles reference. It occurs to me that I might be the only person on the planet who woke up today with that particular fear.

(By the way, the reason why this post exists is because I don't have any screenplay work pressing right now. Everything is out and free in the wilds of Hollywood and while I wait for feedback, I find my typing fingers twitchy. To the small group of people that occasionally check this page, please accept my apologies for its infrequent updates. I've discovered this about myself: I've only got so much creative in me on a daily basis. Two hours on a screenplay, and I've got nothing for the blog. So, I'll try to update it during this brief window and hope that one day I'll actually be able to do two creative things at once.)