Attention Jaymates: I'll be at Uncle Vinnies new club in Staten Island for 2 shows this Saturday! http://ping.fm/zK1jm

Tis the season ... to fight the overwhelming urge to ram slow-moving elderly shoppers with your holiday cart.

Any event that is known to suck but which people have an obligation to attend should _always_ have an open bar.

Hint: if you're going to stop and smell the roses, don't do it in Atlantic City. The whole town smells like Drakkar Noir mixed with vomit.

I estimate that my wife devotes 18% of her brainpower trying to figure out how to keep dogs and babies still for pictures.

Watching a Lexus Christmas commercial. Anyone have the numbers on the recession's effect on the giant douchebag car-ribbon industry?

No one cares about the climate summit because we're so scandal-foxused. Idea: Tiger Woods should have sex with the hole in the ozone layer.

Whenever I see a shooting star, I make a wish that the asteroid I'm watching isn't an extinction-level planet-killer.

Went from sad to depressed to suicidal. Was worried it was a chemical imbalance but then I realized I was watching Meg Ryan in "The Women".

New game! Most offensive XXX spoof. Me first: "The Miracle Porker" (incidentally, it still ends with a pump scene).

Discovered today that I have great talent for making any Christmas song be about farts. My wife is truly blessed.

Feels weird rooting for the giants today. Now I know how WWII America felt, rooting for Stalin's Russia.

More disturbing thought: your daughter is kidnapped by the thugs from "Taken" or she's chosen to be on the 2nd season of "Jersey Shore".

Performing at a church. Average age of the crowd is (conservative estimate) 14,000 years old. Anybody have any good Pope Pious IV jokes?

Watching Goonies. Ladies, which is the more unappealing look? Josh Brolin's headband/shorts-over-the-sweatpants outfit or Sloth?

My capacity to offend people with in depth stories about pornography has not diminished! Felt like Rocky coming out of retirement tonight.

Sirius 60's on 6 is a great station: wonderful music + the fun of listening to classic DJs like Cousin Brucie as they slide into dementia.

Auto-Tune is to the music industry what fake boobs were to the porn industry. It'll still be fun but somehow Little Bill winds up dead.

Phrase I just invented: "Summer Catch-22". Def: when you waste time on an awful movie for a nude/bikini scene only to realize you missed it.

If the iPhone is the world's sexiest woman, AT&T is the STD you kinda know she has, but that you're too horny to think clearly about.