My son just saw a cartoon train filled with ice cream on TV. He lost his baby mind. It's if I found boobs you could watch Star Wars on.

Larry King is interviewing Dolly Parton. Feels like a Karnak joke: "How do you describe it when three big boobs are together?"

My sexy bathroom has 270 degrees of mirrors, so I can say now definitively that my back is just as awful as my front.

I imagine that the only thing keeping Bruce Jenner from crying about his life with the Khardashians is his lack of functioning tear-ducts.

Just realized I've never been seduced. Unless you count a girl shouting "Fine! If it'll shut you up!" as being "seduced".

I think all the people who say "it's not worth it to hate your enemies" don't know how to hate correctly.

I'm sitting by myself in a heart-shaped jacuzzi reading a science fiction book. Not sure if I've made the right or wrong choices in life.

Just got back from the show and accidentally saw Colin Cowherd on TV: 2010 is already ruined.

May your 2010 be free from stabbing, or, if you must be stabbed, may your stabbing be gentle and lethality-free.

Keane does Marlon Brando (except for maybe the choo choo shirt; I'm not 100% Brando wore that in "The Wild One").

I'll be on 610 WIP in Philly again tomorrow from 8 AM until 10 AM. Use it as a springboard to your night of drinking!

Watching the awful "8 Days a Week" because I vaguely remember a wet t-shirt scene. Imagine my productivity if I was born without a penis.

Watching "He's Just Not That Into You". Better title: "Good Looking People I Don't Give A Damn About And Also Scarlett Johansson's Boobs".

New game: Worst Two-Word Biography Title. Me first! "Bloated Scrotum: The Jay Black Story".

My son had a truck and was happy. A little girl wanted the truck and he gave it to her. Now, she's happy and he's sad. Get used to it kid.

If I'm ever gunned down, I hope my son does the respectful thing and becomes a vengence-obsessed masked vigilante.

My wife explained to me that she loved the necklace I got her so much we had to return it. I think I may have married an Orwell novel.

What are your December 26th traditions? I listen to "Brick" by Ben Folds Five while I stare at my gifts and wonder why I'm not happy.

I'm a CubanoGoth: instead of cutting myself, I watch post-Jerry Maguire Cuban Gooding Jr. movies. "Snow Dogs" makes the pain real.

Two glasses of wine + 30 minutes of blowing up an inflatable toy = super high. If you have merlot and a beachball, you have a party.