Dear mad BO scientist trying to create a species of BO-enhanced subhumans: I've found an escaped patient riding the hotel shuttle in Vegas!

The only two phrases worse than "we have a COMPLETELY full flight" are "It's herpes" and "the bottle just landed on Jay Black".

When do you know that you're hopelessly dependent on OTC sleep medications? At 2:43 AM on a night you can't take them.

If I were an NFL coach, I'd challenge every TD using Zeno's Paradox on the assumption that the refs couldn't sum a series.

Went to the movies with my son. A preview for "The Last Song" came on and we both sighed with boredom at the same time. That's my boy!

Who experiences more discomfort? The average American travelling coach on an airline or Dudley visiting Gordon Jump's bike shop?

Warning: Dennis Miller Joke ahead. That TD the Eagles tacked on was about as meaningful as the fairwell oral sex Mrs. Garp gave her student.

At an FYE in Scranton. Just saw a copy of "Good Luck Chuck" on BluRay for $40. I feel like this whole city needs a stern talking to.

At a Panera next to a group of cool high school kids. Totally reminds me of my own high school experience (because I'm alone on a computer).

In Scranton to do standup. Sorry to brag. Listen, keep working and maybe you'll be in Scranton one day too. No I'm not crying. Shut up!!

Cartoons are so different now. Watching "George the Semi-Curious Special Ed Monkey". All he cares to know is the minimum he needs for a D.

Every Thursday at 10 PM my combination tanning salon/Mexican horse-steroid dealership has a mysterious dropoff in business.

I'll be sitting in on WIP from 2 AM until 6 AM tonight. They've assured me this is when the most people are listening.

Important statistic: girls who own two or more airbrushed t-shirts are 59% more likely to bang a dude in a conversion van.

Has anybody read Anathem? I'm dying to discuss it. If I don't find someone soon, I'll have to paint a face on a volleyball and talk to it.

Taking down a fake Christmas tree sucks. The old days were better- you'd just wait for the tree to burn down your house. Bonus: new house!

Watching "Basic Instinct". Two things people in erotic thrillers are inexplicably ok with: ripped buttons and sex with Michael Douglas.

TLC's dream show: a family of 18 midget kids who own a fancy cake making business. That is the basic cable Holy Grail.

Luke Wilson's mouth tells us lies about AT&T; his body tells us truths about the dangers of complex carbohydrates.

Joe Buck is the Platonic Ideal of douche. Next to Joe all other douches are just shadows dancing on a cave wall.