I just ate a pear. It was so cold and delicious. As William Carlos Williams might say, it was ass-shatteringly good.
Like usual, however, there's no good that I can't find the bad in. See, the pear doesn't taste good because the universe is kind and wants me to experience pleasure unfettered, it's because the pear wants to reproduce and the best way to do that is to make itself tasty to higher lifeforms like myself.
I'm a step in the reproductive process of a pear. I'm a cog. I might as well be a giant wrinkly gonad hanging down from a metaphorical pear crotch.
But it's not just pears manipulating me, it's all of nature. Just about every single thing that feels or tastes or smells good is a subtle push in the direction nature wants me to go in.
Chocolate tastes good because we need fat and sugar in our diet. Because we evolved in a place where fat and sugar were relatively hard to come by, we're programmed to seek it out. The more rare something is, see, the more pleasure it has to provide so we have the motivation to look for it.
Modern milk chocolate is essentially 50% sugar and 50% fat; eating it is like slathering your brain with orgasm juice. It lights up like a Christmas tree.
It feels sublime, but it's not. It's just molecules bouncing off of each other in the right order to provide us pleasure. And that pleasure is a reward for getting some stuff our body needs.
We're just dogs salivating when the bell rings.
I tell you all this not to depress you but to raise the question as to whether it's possible that there is any free will at all. I mean, from a certain point of view, pears are the kings of society, employing a complex system of human slaves to keep them well tended in lavish pear plantations. It's actually possible to view the world this way, if you stare at it long enough, like a sailboat popping out of one of those Magic Eye 3-D posters.
I think about all the time and effort I put into things and especially all the worry, the constant crushing worry, and it occurs to me that the curse of consciousness is that it provides the illusion of free will.
Think about it, there must have been a first time for consciousness. I mean, there must have been a single ape somewhere out in the plains of Africa who was the first one to make the leap from animal to something more than animal. Picture him (or her) out there, using a stick to grab ants out of a hill just like he was programmed to, just like he always does, but then a bolt of synaptic lightening flashes and suddenly he's thinking ABOUT what he's doing.
And when he does? What does he do?
He says: "This must MEAN something."
But of course it means just what it meant the second before he started thinking about it. All it means is that his body needs protein and little stupid ants crawling up a stick are a convenient way for him to get it.
That is all it means.
Again, I'm not necessarily upset about this, I'm just wondering if, perhaps, I should just give in to the physical world without worrying about the metaphysical. That maybe I should stop pretending that Mother Nature and I are equal partners in this universe.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go poop.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Moving is hard
It's been a while, I know. But, believe me, it's not because my brain isn't working. It's because the state of New Jersey makes you do a bunch of stuff in order to buy a house.
I imagine if I bought one two years ago, at the height of the Tulip-economy that was the mortgage industry then, I would have only had to prove that I had fingerprints before they poured a barrel full of money on the table. Now, though? More paperwork than my comedian (read: dinosaur) brain can comprehend.
So, hold tight, fair readers. More writing is on the way.
(Two notes:
Megan, I took your advice about updating my website... and accidentally destroyed the whole thing! The good people at iPower are in the process of trying to repair the damage. As always, I am an idiot.
Carol, here's what you said about my post regarding Ann "C"oulter:
"Maybe you're trying to be funny by throwing about objectionable language - goodness knows a lot of comics eventually take that low road - but why not respond in an intelligent way to the clip you linked there? Is juvenile name calling that much more fun?"
Just a point of order: I never actually, you know, used the word. Is it really taking a low road if you don't actually take the road, but instead map out the directions for others to take the low road themselves?
And yes, juvenile name calling is always fun.)
I imagine if I bought one two years ago, at the height of the Tulip-economy that was the mortgage industry then, I would have only had to prove that I had fingerprints before they poured a barrel full of money on the table. Now, though? More paperwork than my comedian (read: dinosaur) brain can comprehend.
So, hold tight, fair readers. More writing is on the way.
(Two notes:
Megan, I took your advice about updating my website... and accidentally destroyed the whole thing! The good people at iPower are in the process of trying to repair the damage. As always, I am an idiot.
Carol, here's what you said about my post regarding Ann "C"oulter:
"Maybe you're trying to be funny by throwing about objectionable language - goodness knows a lot of comics eventually take that low road - but why not respond in an intelligent way to the clip you linked there? Is juvenile name calling that much more fun?"
Just a point of order: I never actually, you know, used the word. Is it really taking a low road if you don't actually take the road, but instead map out the directions for others to take the low road themselves?
And yes, juvenile name calling is always fun.)
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Hey TV Squad!
My regular website -- www.jayblackcomedy.com -- is wheezing with malware (again), so I'm redirecting y'all here to my super-blog! *(super being a word that means "largely unread" in New Jersey).
If you're looking to catch a live show, here's a copy of my current calendar:
If you're looking to catch a live show, here's a copy of my current calendar:
My latest TV 101...
Another every other Wednesday, another TV 101.
For the first time ever, one of my TV Squad articles got a little traction on digg.com. It probably doesn't have enough critical mass to get to the front page, but it was a pretty good run there in the late afternoon.
I guess the formula is: internet celebrity + compliments = diggs.
I wish I had known this earlier. My next TV 101 is going to be called "Why Kevin Rose is super handsome."
Hope you enjoy it!
For the first time ever, one of my TV Squad articles got a little traction on digg.com. It probably doesn't have enough critical mass to get to the front page, but it was a pretty good run there in the late afternoon.
I guess the formula is: internet celebrity + compliments = diggs.
I wish I had known this earlier. My next TV 101 is going to be called "Why Kevin Rose is super handsome."
Hope you enjoy it!
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
An appeal to women...
I know that you all pretty much universally hate the "c-word." I know that merely uttering it within a thousand yards of a self-respecting female is a one-way ticket to having your balls bashed in.
I can't say I understand it -- it is, after all, just a word -- but I've come to accept that it's best just to clear that word out of my mind. I Winston Smith it right down the memory hole and pretend that I never learned it. It's really the only way you can survive a marriage.
All that being said, can't we all come together and agree that it's okay to use the "c-word" when talking about Ann Coulter? It's the only word in the English language that properly describes her.
I can't say I understand it -- it is, after all, just a word -- but I've come to accept that it's best just to clear that word out of my mind. I Winston Smith it right down the memory hole and pretend that I never learned it. It's really the only way you can survive a marriage.
All that being said, can't we all come together and agree that it's okay to use the "c-word" when talking about Ann Coulter? It's the only word in the English language that properly describes her.
Necrophilia
And, we're back...
Hope you had a great holiday season, filled with love and ham!
Like always, I spent my time during break thinking of ways to improve the world. Here's my latest idea: let's create an online service that matches frigid women with necrophiliacs.
I feel bad for necrophiliacs the same way I feel bad for all people with really weird fetishes. The closest thing I have to a fetish is wanting to play with my wife's boobs and even that requires skill and planning to pull off. I can't imagine how tough it would be to have something more severe.
Think about how terrible a necrophiliac's life must be. All that grave-digging! The constant fear of being caught! The exorbitant Lysol bills!
So why not hook them up with frigid women? There's a whole group of girls that are roundly criticized by their husbands for just "lying there like they were dead." Instead of trying to change for men who dislike that sort of thing, let's get them together with the guys who'd go nuts for it!
I think this is a slam dunk.
Hope you had a great holiday season, filled with love and ham!
Like always, I spent my time during break thinking of ways to improve the world. Here's my latest idea: let's create an online service that matches frigid women with necrophiliacs.
I feel bad for necrophiliacs the same way I feel bad for all people with really weird fetishes. The closest thing I have to a fetish is wanting to play with my wife's boobs and even that requires skill and planning to pull off. I can't imagine how tough it would be to have something more severe.
Think about how terrible a necrophiliac's life must be. All that grave-digging! The constant fear of being caught! The exorbitant Lysol bills!
So why not hook them up with frigid women? There's a whole group of girls that are roundly criticized by their husbands for just "lying there like they were dead." Instead of trying to change for men who dislike that sort of thing, let's get them together with the guys who'd go nuts for it!
I think this is a slam dunk.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas!
Hey gang, it's the "every other" in my "every other Wednesday" deadline for TV Squad, so my blogging energies went in that direction last night. I'm pretty proud of this column; both my wife AND my editor thinks it's the best thing I've written in a long time. If you want to check it out, click here: TV 101: The true meaning of TV Christmas specials.
Hope you enjoy it!
Also, I hope all of you have a happy and healthy holiday. I, for one, will be having a traditional holiday: wake up early to do Christmas with my son, then drive to Atlantic City to headline a week and a half worth of shows at the Tropicana. Yep, it's a Christmas miracle!
Hope you enjoy it!
Also, I hope all of you have a happy and healthy holiday. I, for one, will be having a traditional holiday: wake up early to do Christmas with my son, then drive to Atlantic City to headline a week and a half worth of shows at the Tropicana. Yep, it's a Christmas miracle!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Why sometimes it's OK to keep the Christ out of Christmas
I saw a sign today that said "Remember: Jesus is the reason for the season."
I've been seeing variations of this kind of thing since I was a little kid. There are two kind of people who put these signs up:
1. Normal, every day Christians who treat Christmas like the rest of us do (a Caligula-style orgy of naked consumerism and fatty-foods), but who still want get a little holy karma thrown their way in case Jesus is in the habit of reading lawn-signs.
2. Truly committed Christians who reject outright all the pagan trappings of Christmas (and who probably think that the Three Wise Men were perverting things by distracting the baby Jesus from Himself with all that myrrh.)
For 32 years, I understood where both of these people were coming from. After all, Christmas started life as a religious holiday; it only makes sense to want to remind people of that fact. I'm sure if, for some reason, Ramadan all of a sudden became a hip holiday with all sorts of wacky traditions grafted onto it (Achmed the Ramadan monkey brings the most obedient little girls trampolines or whatever), Muslims would justifiably try to steer the holiday to its original purpose.
But something occurred to me today:
Maybe the most Christ-like approach to keeping the Christ in Christmas is to remove him from the occasion altogether.
See, Christmas is teetering on the verge of becoming a secular holiday in much the same way that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the Fourth of July already are. Christmas is so profitable that it's already been put through the capitalist ringer: it's been buffed and polished by Hollywood and Wall Street to be the most appealing holiday on the calendar. As a consequence of this, there isn't a little boy or girl -- of any faith! -- that doesn't want to celebrate it.
Parents of different faiths worry that Christmas is therefore a sinister missionary, spreading not just good cheer, but Christianity as well. There is understandable resistance, then, to embracing Christmas.
This is sad, because the atmosphere at Christmas -- the lights, the gifts, the super-awesome pagan traditions -- does actually make a difference in how people view the world. There's a happiness possible at Christmas that is separate and distinct from anything to do with religion. People sometimes just want to have an excuse to decorate their house, put on reindeer sweaters, and got sloshed on eggnog.
The world is a much better place at Christmas, and it would be even better if we could get more people celebrating it. Christians make up a majority of the country, but they don't make up a super-majority (sorry Sarah Palin). All the best parts of Christmas, the ones that make us light up happily every December, could easily be exported to those non-Christians without any mention of the Notorious J.H.C. Further, thanks to the aforementioned polishing of Christmas by corporate America, it would only take just the littlest of pushes to make Christmas a universal, secular holiday.
Imagine if the holiday cut across religious boundaries the same way Thanksgiving did! Imagine if all your Jewish friends were able to stop pretending that the socks they got on the fourth day of Hanukkah were just as good as the minibike you got for Christmas. Imagine if the son of the neck-bearded atheist associate professor of philosophy was able to get the same GI Joe figure as you.
What a wonderful world that would be, eh? In fact, I would say that the philosophy of Christ -- namely, the goodwill toward your neighbor stuff -- would be more alive in a world like that, even as we diminish, just a bit, the worship of Him.
I would humbly suggest that the Jesus of the New Testament wouldn't care how it was done, just so long as it was done.
(Now, his pissed-off father from the Old Testament is another story. The only person who wailed on his children more than Yaweh did was Bing Crosby.)
We could make the world a place that emulates Christ if we could just get him the Hell out of Christmas.
--
On a side note, my wife and I put in an offer -- and it was accepted! -- on a house last week, which is part of the reason why this blog has been so inconsistent. We're gearing up for the new place now (assuming that the deal doesn't fall apart on its way from contract to settlement). We bought at what we hope is the bottom of the current market, so it's either up from here or that house is where we make our final stand against the Zombies. Either way, I'm deliriously happy and can't wait to share with you all the news of the move (hopefully, with some entertainment value attached).
I've been seeing variations of this kind of thing since I was a little kid. There are two kind of people who put these signs up:
1. Normal, every day Christians who treat Christmas like the rest of us do (a Caligula-style orgy of naked consumerism and fatty-foods), but who still want get a little holy karma thrown their way in case Jesus is in the habit of reading lawn-signs.
2. Truly committed Christians who reject outright all the pagan trappings of Christmas (and who probably think that the Three Wise Men were perverting things by distracting the baby Jesus from Himself with all that myrrh.)
For 32 years, I understood where both of these people were coming from. After all, Christmas started life as a religious holiday; it only makes sense to want to remind people of that fact. I'm sure if, for some reason, Ramadan all of a sudden became a hip holiday with all sorts of wacky traditions grafted onto it (Achmed the Ramadan monkey brings the most obedient little girls trampolines or whatever), Muslims would justifiably try to steer the holiday to its original purpose.
But something occurred to me today:
Maybe the most Christ-like approach to keeping the Christ in Christmas is to remove him from the occasion altogether.
See, Christmas is teetering on the verge of becoming a secular holiday in much the same way that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the Fourth of July already are. Christmas is so profitable that it's already been put through the capitalist ringer: it's been buffed and polished by Hollywood and Wall Street to be the most appealing holiday on the calendar. As a consequence of this, there isn't a little boy or girl -- of any faith! -- that doesn't want to celebrate it.
Parents of different faiths worry that Christmas is therefore a sinister missionary, spreading not just good cheer, but Christianity as well. There is understandable resistance, then, to embracing Christmas.
This is sad, because the atmosphere at Christmas -- the lights, the gifts, the super-awesome pagan traditions -- does actually make a difference in how people view the world. There's a happiness possible at Christmas that is separate and distinct from anything to do with religion. People sometimes just want to have an excuse to decorate their house, put on reindeer sweaters, and got sloshed on eggnog.
The world is a much better place at Christmas, and it would be even better if we could get more people celebrating it. Christians make up a majority of the country, but they don't make up a super-majority (sorry Sarah Palin). All the best parts of Christmas, the ones that make us light up happily every December, could easily be exported to those non-Christians without any mention of the Notorious J.H.C. Further, thanks to the aforementioned polishing of Christmas by corporate America, it would only take just the littlest of pushes to make Christmas a universal, secular holiday.
Imagine if the holiday cut across religious boundaries the same way Thanksgiving did! Imagine if all your Jewish friends were able to stop pretending that the socks they got on the fourth day of Hanukkah were just as good as the minibike you got for Christmas. Imagine if the son of the neck-bearded atheist associate professor of philosophy was able to get the same GI Joe figure as you.
What a wonderful world that would be, eh? In fact, I would say that the philosophy of Christ -- namely, the goodwill toward your neighbor stuff -- would be more alive in a world like that, even as we diminish, just a bit, the worship of Him.
I would humbly suggest that the Jesus of the New Testament wouldn't care how it was done, just so long as it was done.
(Now, his pissed-off father from the Old Testament is another story. The only person who wailed on his children more than Yaweh did was Bing Crosby.)
We could make the world a place that emulates Christ if we could just get him the Hell out of Christmas.
--
On a side note, my wife and I put in an offer -- and it was accepted! -- on a house last week, which is part of the reason why this blog has been so inconsistent. We're gearing up for the new place now (assuming that the deal doesn't fall apart on its way from contract to settlement). We bought at what we hope is the bottom of the current market, so it's either up from here or that house is where we make our final stand against the Zombies. Either way, I'm deliriously happy and can't wait to share with you all the news of the move (hopefully, with some entertainment value attached).
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Cracker Barrel Cheese and Diet Pepsi
Cracker Barrel actually sells a sack of individually wrapped logs of cheese. Now, I'm not a huge cheese fan, but I am a fan of convenient late night snacking. And, for that, nothing works better than individually wrapped cheese. Is it a good idea to eat anything that can be referred to as a "log" mere seconds before you go to sleep? Probably not, but it's as close as I get to being a daredevil.
I've found that the sharp taste of this particular cheese is offset quite nicely by Diet Pepsi. Maybe the unholy swill of evil chemicals in each item offset each other --sorta like how Chelsea Clinton turned out okay -- or maybe it's just dumb luck, but there's no better post-midnight snack than a log of Cracker Barrel cheese and a swig of Diet Pepsi.
Something occurred to me tonight that made it taste even better: if a person from France were to have seen me eating Cracker Barrel cheese and drinking Diet Pepsi they very well could have exploded.
To most Americans this is just some common sense snacking. Americans don't savor -- we're descended from frontiersmen who spent all day long taming a new land (and, uh, killing its indigenous people) -- our people don't have time to savor!
Europeans, on the other hand, descend from all the people too scared to leave for America. Their ancestors spent their afternoons powdering wigs and polishing snuff-boxes. They might have time to savor things, but so what? Unemployed people have time to do a lot of things.
Of course, I'm being a little tongue-in-cheek here. In a weird way, though, the fact that I've been raised to eat shitty food in the worst circumstances in order to make things more convenient and efficient actually made me a little proud. Eating Cracker Barrel cheese and drinking Diet Pepsi is a good representation of both the best and worst of what it means to be an American.
So let me suggest this the next time Old Europe gets mad at the US of A, instead of declaring things "Freedom Fries" or "Victory Gardens", I'd like for every American to grab a lump of Cracker Barrel cheese and a bottle of Diet Pepsi and have a good ole American wine and cheese party standing up right there in their kitchen.
USA! USA! (Oh, is no one else chanting? Well okay then...)
I've found that the sharp taste of this particular cheese is offset quite nicely by Diet Pepsi. Maybe the unholy swill of evil chemicals in each item offset each other --sorta like how Chelsea Clinton turned out okay -- or maybe it's just dumb luck, but there's no better post-midnight snack than a log of Cracker Barrel cheese and a swig of Diet Pepsi.
Something occurred to me tonight that made it taste even better: if a person from France were to have seen me eating Cracker Barrel cheese and drinking Diet Pepsi they very well could have exploded.
To most Americans this is just some common sense snacking. Americans don't savor -- we're descended from frontiersmen who spent all day long taming a new land (and, uh, killing its indigenous people) -- our people don't have time to savor!
Europeans, on the other hand, descend from all the people too scared to leave for America. Their ancestors spent their afternoons powdering wigs and polishing snuff-boxes. They might have time to savor things, but so what? Unemployed people have time to do a lot of things.
Of course, I'm being a little tongue-in-cheek here. In a weird way, though, the fact that I've been raised to eat shitty food in the worst circumstances in order to make things more convenient and efficient actually made me a little proud. Eating Cracker Barrel cheese and drinking Diet Pepsi is a good representation of both the best and worst of what it means to be an American.
So let me suggest this the next time Old Europe gets mad at the US of A, instead of declaring things "Freedom Fries" or "Victory Gardens", I'd like for every American to grab a lump of Cracker Barrel cheese and a bottle of Diet Pepsi and have a good ole American wine and cheese party standing up right there in their kitchen.
USA! USA! (Oh, is no one else chanting? Well okay then...)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Bush/Shoe
I'm very busy lately with a couple of projects that I hope I'll be able to share some news about soon, but I wanted to drop in tonight and give you a joke that I've been sitting on since yesterday:
I haven't seen Bush dodge something that well since the Vietnam draft!
That is all. More tomorrow!
I haven't seen Bush dodge something that well since the Vietnam draft!
That is all. More tomorrow!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Is there no explanation of irony in the Koran?
Just a quick post; my wife and I are headed out with the spud in a few minutes.
I wanted to share this article about Iran being offended by the new movie "The Wrestler." They're mad because one of the wrestlers that Mickey Rourke fights is called "The Ayatollah". During the climax of the movie, the two use the Iranian flag as a prop in their fighting. This is obviously done with an ironic nod towards mid-80s wrestling and how being foreign -- especially Arab -- was seen then as being evil.
I've seen this movie and I'm dumbfounded that the Iranians would be upset about it; Iran is apparently unable to understand that anti-Islamic xenophobia is being mocked by the movie. "The Wrester" is actually on their side!
What is it about fundamentalism that precludes it from accepting humor? Surely, if the Koran (or the Bible or the Torah or Dianetics) covers the full spectrum of human experience, it should probably have something in there about irony, right? Shouldn't there be at least one passage that reads something like this:
"God (or Allah or Yahweh or L. Ron Hubbard) has given us massive brains that can be used for all sorts of really awesome things. One of those awesome things is the ability to say one thing but mean another. So, you know, don't always look at the surface statement; try looking at the deeper meaning of what's said. You might find the friction between the two to be delightful!"
Instead all the Koran seems to say is "grow a beard and get angry."
Maybe there's a connection between being being bearded and being humorless? Science should probably look into this.
I wanted to share this article about Iran being offended by the new movie "The Wrestler." They're mad because one of the wrestlers that Mickey Rourke fights is called "The Ayatollah". During the climax of the movie, the two use the Iranian flag as a prop in their fighting. This is obviously done with an ironic nod towards mid-80s wrestling and how being foreign -- especially Arab -- was seen then as being evil.
I've seen this movie and I'm dumbfounded that the Iranians would be upset about it; Iran is apparently unable to understand that anti-Islamic xenophobia is being mocked by the movie. "The Wrester" is actually on their side!
What is it about fundamentalism that precludes it from accepting humor? Surely, if the Koran (or the Bible or the Torah or Dianetics) covers the full spectrum of human experience, it should probably have something in there about irony, right? Shouldn't there be at least one passage that reads something like this:
"God (or Allah or Yahweh or L. Ron Hubbard) has given us massive brains that can be used for all sorts of really awesome things. One of those awesome things is the ability to say one thing but mean another. So, you know, don't always look at the surface statement; try looking at the deeper meaning of what's said. You might find the friction between the two to be delightful!"
Instead all the Koran seems to say is "grow a beard and get angry."
Maybe there's a connection between being being bearded and being humorless? Science should probably look into this.
Friday, December 12, 2008
In which our hero has a date...
My wife and I went on a date tonight. It's only the second time in the sixteen months since the birth of our son that we've been able to go out together. The reasons for this shortage of alone time is as follows:
1. My mom is dead, which is a serious blow to our babysitter situation. I have a dad left, but you know, dads really aren't clamoring for some Friday night alone time with a baby. Mostly, my dad just wants to smoke and watch hockey, two things I suspect will be boring to my son until at least his fourth birthday.
2. My mother-in-law is our day care provider. She loves my son, but after approximately 35-40 hours each week of watching him during the day, I'm sure the idea of another four or five hours so that my wife and I can practice making another baby isn't high on her list of priorities.
3. I'm a comedian, which means most Friday and Saturday nights are spent entertaining our nation's drunkards and malcontents.
Tonight, though, the stars aligned perfectly. My comedy club date was cancelled, my wife's sister had the night free, and my wife actually wanted to spend some time with me (as our marriage has been argument free for almost the entire week!) This simply does not happen. This is like the Perfect Storm, except that in this version of the movie, Clooney and Wahlberg went to an Italian place for dinner, then made out in a car.
It was a nice reminder of why we wound up married with a kid in the first place. I suspect our next date, tentatively scheduled for June 22, 2010, will be just as hot.
1. My mom is dead, which is a serious blow to our babysitter situation. I have a dad left, but you know, dads really aren't clamoring for some Friday night alone time with a baby. Mostly, my dad just wants to smoke and watch hockey, two things I suspect will be boring to my son until at least his fourth birthday.
2. My mother-in-law is our day care provider. She loves my son, but after approximately 35-40 hours each week of watching him during the day, I'm sure the idea of another four or five hours so that my wife and I can practice making another baby isn't high on her list of priorities.
3. I'm a comedian, which means most Friday and Saturday nights are spent entertaining our nation's drunkards and malcontents.
Tonight, though, the stars aligned perfectly. My comedy club date was cancelled, my wife's sister had the night free, and my wife actually wanted to spend some time with me (as our marriage has been argument free for almost the entire week!) This simply does not happen. This is like the Perfect Storm, except that in this version of the movie, Clooney and Wahlberg went to an Italian place for dinner, then made out in a car.
It was a nice reminder of why we wound up married with a kid in the first place. I suspect our next date, tentatively scheduled for June 22, 2010, will be just as hot.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
So, things are back to normal (I hope)
I think we're all set with my website being virus free, so it's back to blogging as usual!
I'll have new content up later in the day. In the meantime, please check out my latest column for AOL. I think it's one of the better ones (and not just because it has a wicked cool Star Wars reference in it).
I'll have new content up later in the day. In the meantime, please check out my latest column for AOL. I think it's one of the better ones (and not just because it has a wicked cool Star Wars reference in it).
Monday, December 08, 2008
Why you're seeing this page!
So, this is my blog. If you clicked on www.jayblackcomedy.com, you were redirected here, temporarily, because the main site has been infested with a virus. Not sure what happened, exactly. Perhaps my web site connected to a website in Amsterdam and made some bad choices about how to spend its time there.
Or, maybe a bit more realistically, I'm maintaining my own site and don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I've sent an email to the web hosting people, so the problem should hopefully be taken care of shortly. In the meantime, feel free to explore this blog.
If you're looking for a free CD, just comment on this post and I'll get it to you ASAP!
Thanks much.
(PS to my regular blog readers -- both of you -- we'll be back to normal soon. Maybe this temporary redirect will lead to hundreds of new readers. Or, uh, not. Hope is, of course, the thing with wings.)
Or, maybe a bit more realistically, I'm maintaining my own site and don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I've sent an email to the web hosting people, so the problem should hopefully be taken care of shortly. In the meantime, feel free to explore this blog.
If you're looking for a free CD, just comment on this post and I'll get it to you ASAP!
Thanks much.
(PS to my regular blog readers -- both of you -- we'll be back to normal soon. Maybe this temporary redirect will lead to hundreds of new readers. Or, uh, not. Hope is, of course, the thing with wings.)
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Taco Bell "Supreme"
I ate breakfast this afternoon at 1 PM at a Taco Bell. This kind of eating is not uncommon among comedians; it's probably why the average comic rarely lives past his mid 30s.
After I ordered, the person waiting on me asked "regular" or "supreme". I asked what the difference was, she said: "Supreme is the same taco except with sour cream."
I'm sure you already knew this, but I want you to think about it: according to the people who run Taco Bell, the only difference between an ordinary something and a supreme something is sour cream.
Here's what Webster's has to say about the word supreme:
"Supreme (adjective)
1. highest in rank, power, authority, etc.; dominant
2. highest in quality, achievement, performance, etc.; most excellent
3. highest in degree; utmost
4. final; ultimate"
Or... sour cream.
I realize that it's just some stupid sour cream, but I think this might be a big reason why our country has been slipping a bit in recent decades; the devaluation of our superlatives. For instance, "awesome" used to be a word that was once reserved for acts of god; now it's routinely used to describe pizza.
Advertising plays a large part in this. When you're trying to sell, you can't be reasonable. You can't say: "Mop and Glo: it'll make your floors temporarily less dirty." You have to say "Mop and Glo: It's so unbelievably awesome and astounding, it will literally knock the shit right out of your colon" or some such.
Eventually, all the good words get co-opted for silly things. You do this enough and the good words don't mean anything anymore. How can you give someone a compliment that has any kind of real resonance?
"Dr. Jonas Salk will forever be remembered for his supreme accomplishment: curing Polio."
It's not unreasonable for the average kid to think that all Salk did was take Polio and pour some sour cream on it.
After I ordered, the person waiting on me asked "regular" or "supreme". I asked what the difference was, she said: "Supreme is the same taco except with sour cream."
I'm sure you already knew this, but I want you to think about it: according to the people who run Taco Bell, the only difference between an ordinary something and a supreme something is sour cream.
Here's what Webster's has to say about the word supreme:
"Supreme (adjective)
1. highest in rank, power, authority, etc.; dominant
2. highest in quality, achievement, performance, etc.; most excellent
3. highest in degree; utmost
4. final; ultimate"
Or... sour cream.
I realize that it's just some stupid sour cream, but I think this might be a big reason why our country has been slipping a bit in recent decades; the devaluation of our superlatives. For instance, "awesome" used to be a word that was once reserved for acts of god; now it's routinely used to describe pizza.
Advertising plays a large part in this. When you're trying to sell, you can't be reasonable. You can't say: "Mop and Glo: it'll make your floors temporarily less dirty." You have to say "Mop and Glo: It's so unbelievably awesome and astounding, it will literally knock the shit right out of your colon" or some such.
Eventually, all the good words get co-opted for silly things. You do this enough and the good words don't mean anything anymore. How can you give someone a compliment that has any kind of real resonance?
"Dr. Jonas Salk will forever be remembered for his supreme accomplishment: curing Polio."
It's not unreasonable for the average kid to think that all Salk did was take Polio and pour some sour cream on it.
God hates me...
Well, maybe not hates me, but He's certainly in a mood.
Let's pick up the story Thursday morning. I woke up at 3 AM because I went to bed the night before at 5 PM (due to my skinned-knee cornea and all).
I had a gig at 9 PM that night in upstate Vermont (like, really upstate, near where Superman keeps his Fortress of Solitude), but I couldn't leave extra early because I had 10 AM follow-up to make sure that I wouldn't be going blind any time soon. No biggie; even if I left at 10:30, I'd be in VT by 5:30 and be able to squeeze in two or three hours worth of nap time.
At 11:30, I was at exit 11 of the New Jersey Turnpike, making good time. Then, every single "you're car is about to die" light came on at once. My Jetta did everything except shout angrily in German at me. On top of that, the car wouldn't go faster than 40 MPH without making all sorts of scary noises.
I briefly considered pulling into oncoming traffic, but figured I wasn't going fast enough to ensure instant death.
I pulled over and consulted my GPS. There was a Volkswagen dealership in Linden, at exit 12, four miles away. I limped up there and explained to them my situation.
See, I needed to know right away whether I ought to get the car fixed right then or if I should get a rental car and pick the car up later. Comedians only get paid when they show up at a place at the agreed upon time (actually being funny is less important than being punctual). I had a three hour window.
The dude -- Billy, one of the nicer humans on the planet -- jumped me to the front of the line and had one of his guys look at the problem. The guy told me that my issue was one where 99.9% of the time, it was just a dirty valve. .1% of the time, there was a need to replace the entire valve, but let's not think about that until we have to.
He cleaned my valve (and yes, I realize how gay that sounds), and we test drove the car. After about 15 miles this is the exact conversation we had:
Me: "What do you think?"
Him: "It's looking pretty good. I want to do one more spin around the block."
Me (checking my watch): "Okay."
Him: "It was nice being able to help you. I was worried that we were gonna have to replace the valve. I think you're gonna be oka ---"
It was at this point that all the lights came back on again.
Him: "Shit."
(To understand that "Okay", imagine that the first syllable, the Ohhhhhhhh, came out in slow mo over the course of like twenty minutes. That really adds to the drama).
So, I needed a rental car and had already blew an hour and a half watching another man clean my valves. By the time the rental car got there, I had seven hours to drive the six hours to Vermont, made worse, of course, by the now heavy New York City traffic.
By the time I got above the traffic, I had exactly 5 hours to drive... 5 hours. That's right, no stops allowed if I was going to get there on time. Five straight hours later, I arrived at the college -- 8:57 for a 9:00 show -- and did my time. Luckily, the kids at Lyndon State College were awesome and made my job easier, but still, one day removed from a missing cornea, it was a less-than-fun experience.
Okay, enough of my rambling. I'll get back to trenchant observations about the universe tomorrow. I just had to vent today.
Let's pick up the story Thursday morning. I woke up at 3 AM because I went to bed the night before at 5 PM (due to my skinned-knee cornea and all).
I had a gig at 9 PM that night in upstate Vermont (like, really upstate, near where Superman keeps his Fortress of Solitude), but I couldn't leave extra early because I had 10 AM follow-up to make sure that I wouldn't be going blind any time soon. No biggie; even if I left at 10:30, I'd be in VT by 5:30 and be able to squeeze in two or three hours worth of nap time.
At 11:30, I was at exit 11 of the New Jersey Turnpike, making good time. Then, every single "you're car is about to die" light came on at once. My Jetta did everything except shout angrily in German at me. On top of that, the car wouldn't go faster than 40 MPH without making all sorts of scary noises.
I briefly considered pulling into oncoming traffic, but figured I wasn't going fast enough to ensure instant death.
I pulled over and consulted my GPS. There was a Volkswagen dealership in Linden, at exit 12, four miles away. I limped up there and explained to them my situation.
See, I needed to know right away whether I ought to get the car fixed right then or if I should get a rental car and pick the car up later. Comedians only get paid when they show up at a place at the agreed upon time (actually being funny is less important than being punctual). I had a three hour window.
The dude -- Billy, one of the nicer humans on the planet -- jumped me to the front of the line and had one of his guys look at the problem. The guy told me that my issue was one where 99.9% of the time, it was just a dirty valve. .1% of the time, there was a need to replace the entire valve, but let's not think about that until we have to.
He cleaned my valve (and yes, I realize how gay that sounds), and we test drove the car. After about 15 miles this is the exact conversation we had:
Me: "What do you think?"
Him: "It's looking pretty good. I want to do one more spin around the block."
Me (checking my watch): "Okay."
Him: "It was nice being able to help you. I was worried that we were gonna have to replace the valve. I think you're gonna be oka ---"
It was at this point that all the lights came back on again.
Him: "Shit."
(To understand that "Okay", imagine that the first syllable, the Ohhhhhhhh, came out in slow mo over the course of like twenty minutes. That really adds to the drama).
So, I needed a rental car and had already blew an hour and a half watching another man clean my valves. By the time the rental car got there, I had seven hours to drive the six hours to Vermont, made worse, of course, by the now heavy New York City traffic.
By the time I got above the traffic, I had exactly 5 hours to drive... 5 hours. That's right, no stops allowed if I was going to get there on time. Five straight hours later, I arrived at the college -- 8:57 for a 9:00 show -- and did my time. Luckily, the kids at Lyndon State College were awesome and made my job easier, but still, one day removed from a missing cornea, it was a less-than-fun experience.
Okay, enough of my rambling. I'll get back to trenchant observations about the universe tomorrow. I just had to vent today.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Too tired to post...
Hey gang, no new post today because I'm very tired. Like, Jenny from Forest Gump tired. I'll explain in a detailed post tomorrow (I've already got a title: "God hates me"), but for right now, if you need some new content, I urge you to go to head over to TV Squad, where my brand new Office review will be posting any minute now.
Hope you enjoy and more tomorrow!
(PS Thanks so much for all the kind comments, Meg and Tony. Sometimes a blog can feel like an echo chamber; it's good to know that all this stuff is actually being enjoyed by some people. If I could, I'd sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" right now, loudly, to you both!)
Hope you enjoy and more tomorrow!
(PS Thanks so much for all the kind comments, Meg and Tony. Sometimes a blog can feel like an echo chamber; it's good to know that all this stuff is actually being enjoyed by some people. If I could, I'd sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" right now, loudly, to you both!)
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Apparently, you need your cornea
Remember how I was bragging about what a great juggler of OTC medicine I was? I believe I called myself the "Elvis of Advil". I was particularly proud of that phrase because it combined three of my favorite things (apt metaphor, pop culture reference, and assonance; had it also contained peanut butter and no-guilt orgasm, it might have been my favorite thing of all time!)
I didn't quite think through my metaphor: did you know Elvis died!? From drugs!? Well, he did.
And, though I didn't die, there was about an hour last night where I wished I would.
Here's what happened, in order:
1. I got sick on Saturday.
2. To reduce the amount of snot in my sinuses -- at one point enough that Michael Phelps could have used them as a training facility -- I took OTC drying agents like Sudafed.
3. On Monday, due to a particularly rough game of Baby Wrestling, my son knocked off my glasses, snapping one of the lenses out of its frame.
4. Because of this, I took to wearing my contacts.
5. Due to my laziness, I didn't get a chance to head over to the eye-glasses place to get my frames fixed. Also, due to my laziness, I have yet to clean out the attic, write or even begin to write a novel, learn how to cook, finish learning sign language, or any other number of things that I'm sure I'll regret on my deathbed one day.
6. The combination of drying agents and continued contact usage led to a severe drying of my contact. That led to it kind of, well, fusing to my cornea.
7. Because I didn't know that the phrase "fusing to your cornea" could possibly exist in any kind of reasonable universe. I took my contact out at a 1 PM yesterday.
And holy shit. Holy. Shit.
It hurt so bad that I started giving away state secrets in the hope/fear that I was being interrogated and this was all a Vanilla Sky type creation of my brain in order to better deal with the torture. No such luck.
I went to the eye doctor and he told me that I had taken off the top layer of my cornea. With a smile: "Like skinning your knee! Except in your eye!"
He said it would stop hurting after I went to sleep because the cornea can regenerate itself in about 24 hours.
That seemed like a very optimistic assessment to me. How could something as complicated (and as goddamn painful) as your cornea regenerate after 24 hours? I can't even get a cable guy to my house in less than a week. But my eye doctor looks very smart (he has glasses and a white coat), so I trusted him.
He prescribed an antibacterial cream and sent me on my way. He mentioned that maybe I'd want to take some sleep medication to help speed along the process. Well, you don't need to tell me twice to take OTC sleep aids.
Here I am, 12 hours later. My cornea still feels a little raw, but on a pain level, it's at a 1. Before I went to sleep, it was, without hyperbole, a 313,179,993.
Take my advice kids: drying agents and round-the-clock contact use don't mix. Friends don't let friends take Sudafed while also wearing contacts.
(This all begs the question: why did the school system waste my time with an anti-marijuana curriculum when it could have been teaching me real-life skills like not wearing contacts while also taking cold and flu medication?)
I didn't quite think through my metaphor: did you know Elvis died!? From drugs!? Well, he did.
And, though I didn't die, there was about an hour last night where I wished I would.
Here's what happened, in order:
1. I got sick on Saturday.
2. To reduce the amount of snot in my sinuses -- at one point enough that Michael Phelps could have used them as a training facility -- I took OTC drying agents like Sudafed.
3. On Monday, due to a particularly rough game of Baby Wrestling, my son knocked off my glasses, snapping one of the lenses out of its frame.
4. Because of this, I took to wearing my contacts.
5. Due to my laziness, I didn't get a chance to head over to the eye-glasses place to get my frames fixed. Also, due to my laziness, I have yet to clean out the attic, write or even begin to write a novel, learn how to cook, finish learning sign language, or any other number of things that I'm sure I'll regret on my deathbed one day.
6. The combination of drying agents and continued contact usage led to a severe drying of my contact. That led to it kind of, well, fusing to my cornea.
7. Because I didn't know that the phrase "fusing to your cornea" could possibly exist in any kind of reasonable universe. I took my contact out at a 1 PM yesterday.
And holy shit. Holy. Shit.
It hurt so bad that I started giving away state secrets in the hope/fear that I was being interrogated and this was all a Vanilla Sky type creation of my brain in order to better deal with the torture. No such luck.
I went to the eye doctor and he told me that I had taken off the top layer of my cornea. With a smile: "Like skinning your knee! Except in your eye!"
He said it would stop hurting after I went to sleep because the cornea can regenerate itself in about 24 hours.
That seemed like a very optimistic assessment to me. How could something as complicated (and as goddamn painful) as your cornea regenerate after 24 hours? I can't even get a cable guy to my house in less than a week. But my eye doctor looks very smart (he has glasses and a white coat), so I trusted him.
He prescribed an antibacterial cream and sent me on my way. He mentioned that maybe I'd want to take some sleep medication to help speed along the process. Well, you don't need to tell me twice to take OTC sleep aids.
Here I am, 12 hours later. My cornea still feels a little raw, but on a pain level, it's at a 1. Before I went to sleep, it was, without hyperbole, a 313,179,993.
Take my advice kids: drying agents and round-the-clock contact use don't mix. Friends don't let friends take Sudafed while also wearing contacts.
(This all begs the question: why did the school system waste my time with an anti-marijuana curriculum when it could have been teaching me real-life skills like not wearing contacts while also taking cold and flu medication?)
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