New game: children's programming titles that sound like they could double as "adult movie" titles. Me first: HBO's "A Little Curious".

I'm finally home ... and my wife has planned a day trip! This is like if I celebrated our son's birth by putting a watermelon in her uterus.

States I've been in this week: NJ, NY, CA, iL, IN, OH, PA, VT, NH, MA, ME, and CT. My comedy is officially being tracked by the CDC.

Drank a "Rockstar Energy Shot". They're lying. Even Amy Winehouse wouldn't put this stuff in her body. It's like NyQuil mixed with sadness.

I switched seats so a couple could sit together. I'm hoping this flight leads to a divorce. I'm not a hateful person - just a fan of irony.

Leaving LA now. I was worried that I had been turned into a LA-dbag but both my pyschic AND the guy at the fedora store told me I was okay.

Hypothetical queztion: if you were investing in an unaurhorized Barney-themed porno would you call it "Purple Rain" or "Deep Purple"?

New game: Obama's action vs. Fox News's headline. Me first! Obama cures cancer! "How Obama's war on doctors affects YOUR gun ownership."

Michael Vick "has butterflies" about his first game. Could Vick already be planning an underground butterfly-fighting ring?

The Schuylkill Expressway is like herpes on an ex: every time I start missing Philly it's there to remind me, "Oh, right - diseased vagina."

Watching Larry King run a debate on healthcare. So far no one's said the obvious: 87% of our healthcare money goes to keeping King alive.

Great show at Rockford College tonight, but I'm missing my son. Emotional breakdown to the tune of "Cat's in the Cradle" in 3...2...1...

At the airport, sad to be leaving my son for another tour. I'd be clever here, but the TSA confiscated my sense of humor and will to live.

Staying in a hotel that feels it necessary to post their policy regarding cleanup fees of vomit and urine. Yep, comedy is working out fine!

Inspired by Radio Shack changing its name to "The Shack", I've decided to start calling herpes "The Pees". Doesn't that sound more fun?

Important life tip: if someone has a purposefully asymmetrical 9 inch goatee, there's a good chance he probably isn't a surgeon.

Here's an Entourage spoiler: next week it will be revealed that E's girlfriend started normal size but was shrunk in a WonkaVision accident.

Has there ever been a bigger "f-u" to the conventional thinking on skin cancer than William Devane's tan in "Space Cowboys"?

Whenever my wife and I have a screaming match, I just tell my son, "Mommy and Daddy aren't fighting, we're just having a town hall meeting."

Important question: if Jon and Kate get divorced, who gets custody of Jon's hair implants?