Saw an NBA promo where the Knicks visited sick kids. I felt so sad for the kids: to be sick AND to have to feign excitement over the Knicks!

Tip: instead of arguing politics at your holiday party, rip your pants off and masturbate violently. Trust me, it will be better received.

I'll be sitting in on the morning show on 610 WIP from 8-10 AM tomorrow. If you're out of area, now would be the time to move to Philly!

Maybe Balloon Boy's father will go to the jail where they film MSNBC's "Lockup". I mean, it _is_ a reality show, right?

TV show idea: "Pleaters". Host Joey Greco takes us into the decadent world of the khaki pants industry.

How many hours a day do you think "Cheaters" host Joey Greco spends in front of a mirror practicing human emotions? At least 2 or 3, right?

Watching "Back to School". One of the few movies to truly capture America's intense love-affair with collegiate diving.

Every holiday Kay Jewelers ad: hot girl and d-bag do something wintery, d-bag pulls out shitty necklace, hot girl's look implies oral. Fin.

Sadder moment: Jennifer Conelly's "Requiem for a Dream" character going ass-to-ass or _any_ line of dialog on Disney's "Imagination Movers"?

Theory: women like _mildly_ funny men. A constant string of mediocre jokes keeps her happy; super-funny MechaGodzilla jokes annoy her.

My son keeps snatching my glasses and running into the other room with them. I'm literally being bullied by a two year old.

If my wife were turned into a magical Norse weapon, her name would be "Der Joykiller".

Disappointment #1422: Mt. Rushmore has been struck by lightening thousands of times and yet not one of the sculptures have come to life.

Uncle Vinnies show is cancelled tonight due to the plot of "The Day After Tomorrow" coming true. I'll update when we reschedule!

www.unclevinniesstatenisland.com - come see me tomorrow night at Uncle Vinnies in Staten Island! Tell snow to go f itself!

The key to a good marriage is keeping things fresh. For example, my wife is always finding new ways to show me her dissapointment.

Important question: when do the guys on "The Jersey Shore" think it's _not_ appropriate to be shirtless? Funeral? Audience with the pope?

Ah, the joys of the pediatrician.

Guy: I got my son all the Thomas toys. Me: I think I'll just get my kid addicted to meth- probably cheaper. G: Uh... Me: Haha? G: Uh...

Worst moment in Christianity's history: The Spanish Inquisition or the giant cross on Ronnie's back on "The Jersey Shore"?