Monday, August 31, 2009

New game: children's programming titles that sound like they could double as "adult movie" titles. Me first: HBO's "A Little Curious".

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I'm finally home ... and my wife has planned a day trip! This is like if I celebrated our son's birth by putting a watermelon in her uterus.
States I've been in this week: NJ, NY, CA, iL, IN, OH, PA, VT, NH, MA, ME, and CT. My comedy is officially being tracked by the CDC.
Drank a "Rockstar Energy Shot". They're lying. Even Amy Winehouse wouldn't put this stuff in her body. It's like NyQuil mixed with sadness.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I switched seats so a couple could sit together. I'm hoping this flight leads to a divorce. I'm not a hateful person - just a fan of irony.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Leaving LA now. I was worried that I had been turned into a LA-dbag but both my pyschic AND the guy at the fedora store told me I was okay.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Hypothetical queztion: if you were investing in an unaurhorized Barney-themed porno would you call it "Purple Rain" or "Deep Purple"?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

New game: Obama's action vs. Fox News's headline. Me first! Obama cures cancer! "How Obama's war on doctors affects YOUR gun ownership."
Michael Vick "has butterflies" about his first game. Could Vick already be planning an underground butterfly-fighting ring?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Schuylkill Expressway is like herpes on an ex: every time I start missing Philly it's there to remind me, "Oh, right - diseased vagina."
Watching Larry King run a debate on healthcare. So far no one's said the obvious: 87% of our healthcare money goes to keeping King alive.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Great show at Rockford College tonight, but I'm missing my son. Emotional breakdown to the tune of "Cat's in the Cradle" in 3...2...1...
At the airport, sad to be leaving my son for another tour. I'd be clever here, but the TSA confiscated my sense of humor and will to live.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Staying in a hotel that feels it necessary to post their policy regarding cleanup fees of vomit and urine. Yep, comedy is working out fine!
Inspired by Radio Shack changing its name to "The Shack", I've decided to start calling herpes "The Pees". Doesn't that sound more fun?
Important life tip: if someone has a purposefully asymmetrical 9 inch goatee, there's a good chance he probably isn't a surgeon.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Here's an Entourage spoiler: next week it will be revealed that E's girlfriend started normal size but was shrunk in a WonkaVision accident.
Has there ever been a bigger "f-u" to the conventional thinking on skin cancer than William Devane's tan in "Space Cowboys"?
Whenever my wife and I have a screaming match, I just tell my son, "Mommy and Daddy aren't fighting, we're just having a town hall meeting."

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Important question: if Jon and Kate get divorced, who gets custody of Jon's hair implants?
Watching "Rudy". If you don't cry at the end of this movie, give yourself the Voight-Kampff test because you're probably a replicant.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Performing at Penn State for teens at a "formal optional" event. Girls look like princesses; boys like particularly unsuccesful hobos.
Levels of traffic: 1. Annoyed 2. Angry 3. Irate 4. Hate-filled 5. Actively rooting for the swine flu.
Michael Vick talk got me bumped from my two radio spots this morning! This is easily the worst thing he's ever done.
To all Eagles fans upset about Vick, don't be naive! Vick's not the first! Chuck Bednarik once forced a polar bear to knife-fight a rhino.
I'm writing an alternate history book about a world where I didn't write the book. Ready to have your mind blown: it's just like our world!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

My son is running around the house pantless right now. I was the same way when I was his age! Also in my twenties. And yesterday.
Let's try that again: just saw an ad for a zebra-print snuggie. I guess sometimes you want to signal your douchebaggery in capital letters.
Just saw an ad for a zebra snuggie. I guess sometimes you want

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

There's a new kids show called "Dinosaur Train". Did they just combine random words that kids like? Here's my idea: "Ice Cream Bubble Fart".
If I ever become a billionaire, I'll use the money to digitally insert Heath Ledger's Joker character into 10 Things I Hate About You.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Prick test over. Wasn't bad - only thing was the doc gave the test to me on a pinball machine while his allergist friends cheered him on.
Now at the allergist. I am about to be given what I'm told is the "prick test". I think the real test is whether I can keep from giggling.
I accidentally went to the wrong office for my neurological exam. The obvious joke here is...uh...sorry, I lost my train of thought.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Here's me as Jay Leno: Congress extended "Cash for Clunkers". In related news, Bill Clinton extended his "Cash for Junk-in-the-Trunkers."
Just got done my back rehab (designed to strengthen my core). I've discovered that I've got the musculature of a newborn baby.
Sometimes I feel like Tyler Perry is making movies just to confuse me.
Why do summer camp designers insist on putting "slob" camps right next to "snob" camps? It's like they _want_ confrontation.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Watching PGA golf while folding laundry. Yep, I'm living the dream! By the way, that sound you hear is my soul weeping.
There's a softcore porno on The Movie Channel right now. I'm gonna be honest, the acting is a little stiff. Hiyoooooooo!

Friday, August 07, 2009

Going onstage at Uncle Vinnies in 40 minutes! Also, I'm wearing a purple shirt. Tickets still available tomorrow
Please excuse the uncharacteristic sentimentalism, but I thought this story about John Hughes was the bee's knees:

Thursday, August 06, 2009

At Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant Friday and Saturday. Imagine seeing my girlish figure in person!
Well, the great twitter blackout of '09 is over. Do you think there'll be a spike in nerd births 9 months from now?

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

If you're at all interested in trying to get ahead in the entertainment business, I suggest checking this out:

Monday, August 03, 2009

My son is watching Super Whyy. He claps when they sing the Alphabet. The only time I get that excited for letters is when I three X's.
I watched the movie "The Four Seasons" this morning. The only time there is more self-absorption in one place is when I dine by myself.