Saturday, October 31, 2009

Just saw a billboard advertising "mature fantasy". I can only assume they mean refinancing a mortgage at under 5% and a solid BM.
Watching Michael Jackson videos on MTV. The venn diagram overlap of "good dancer" and "believable gang member" is a slim sliver indeed.

Friday, October 30, 2009

The UFL is like trying to seduce a girl by saying "Hey, I'm not as good looking as other guys, but on the other hand, I'm bad in bed."
New word for the private area of a woman who is cold in bed: brrrrrr-gina.
You know, if I knew a diamond ring was coming next, I'd be secretly hoping that that mocking bird don't sing.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Amish people have such a strong community: just saw a group of them surround an ED sufferer and perform a weiner raising.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Fact: if Walt Whitman were alive today, most of his poetry would be about how much Philly's airport sucks.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Some see the glass half empty; others half full. I'm suspicious the liquid in the glass might be poison.
I'm pretty sure at this point you could replace me with Dick Sargent.

Monday, October 26, 2009

If I had spent all the hours I've spent in doctor's waiting rooms studying, I could've gotten a medical degree and diagnosed myself.
The irony of the doctor's waiting room is that the longer I'm there, the more I actively wish for my own death.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

My wife woke me out of happy-sleep for a little "hot and heavy"! (HnH is our phrase for "looking for clothes as loudly as possible").
Watching a Halloween parade with the family. I love parades! They combine my two favorite things: boredom and carbon monoxide poisoning.
Biggest fear: nuclear war. Second biggest fear: getting invited over Nancy Grace's house and spilling wine on something.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Keane's first haircut. If cute were fat and awesome was presidential timber, than this pic is William Howard Taft.
Keane's first haircut. If cute were fat and awesome was presidential timber, than this pic is William Howard Taft.
New game: worst possible wedding song? Me first! "Brick" by Ben Folds Five.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Saw a girl smoking and talking on a cell phone while waiting to get a tan. I imagine Three Mile Island was booked and she had to make do.

Friday, October 16, 2009

New game! Pop culture item most likely to have a chapter about it in a book about the fall of the American empire. Me first: "Made of Honor"

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Hot girl Halloween idea: put on a skimpy jersey and a pair of cat ears and go as The Wildcat Offense. Also: trick or treat at my house.
At the vet. There's a poster explaining that a symptom of Lyme disease is "recurring lameness". So that explains it: I have Lyme disease.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Hey JayMates: I'm at the Comedy Stop at the Trop in AC all week! Come! There's a mirror in the greenroom so I MIGHT start each show weeping!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Saw a Native American hitchhiker today. Normally I ignore hitchhikers, but in honor of Columbus day, I ran him over and stole all his stuff.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Try to celebrate tomorrow the way Columbus himself would've wanted you to: discover something, then plunder the living shit out of it.
Lady GaGa is inexplicably attractive. It's like she's a soup made only of unpalatable ingredients that somehow manages to taste good.

Monday, October 05, 2009

If someone went into a coma 3 years ago and woke up during the MNF game, I bet it'd be easy to convince him he was in a mirror universe.
New game! Funniest adverb to describe the word "masturbating". Me first: Furiously.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

If there was an unintentionally gay Smithsonian, Apollo's half shirt and short shorts from Rocky III would be its Spirit of St. Louis.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

[((John+Kate+8)-(Kate+8))*(Ed Hardy t-shirts)*(Hair Implants)*(Earrings)]/(TLC) = Extraordinary Douchebag. It's just simple math.