Tuesday, January 26, 2010

By myself in a hotel again. Warning link NSFW.
Things are very different in Texas: my rental car came stocked with a loaded .45 and an open container of beer.
On a plane. Watching people trying to shove a 19th century steamer trunk into the overhead bin fills me with equal parts rage and pity.
Woke up sad and sick. But my true love was there for me: "Army of Darkness" was on! That's the TLC I needed! Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I knew "You will die alone in a sea of your own mucus on the day after a Vikings loss" was a suspiciously specific fortune cookie.
Really sick. Anybody have any spare TLC? I'm willing to trade some snark and a Fantastic Four #239.
Sick and shivering. I feel like I got a scratch from my nuclear-powered blonde clone. (Fever dream or Superman 4 reference!? I'm not sure.)
Had my feelings hurt really bad in a text tonight. Damn you technology! If it were 1831, I could have at least taken revenge on the pigeon.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Etiquette: no matter how much teabagging you do with someone, it's NEVER appropriate to refer to their mouth as your "testicle receptacle".
New word: choolsy. Def: when a thing's equal parts cool and cheesy. Ex: That Slash solo in the desert in the November Rain video is choolsy!
I'm watching that British "Don't text while driving" PSA on my iPhone as I drive. I just want a funny story to tell when I get to heaven.
This episode of The Mickey Mouse Club is riddled with inaccuracies. For example: REAL "space rubber duckies" aren't that big. #badastronomy

Saturday, January 23, 2010

My wife came to the early show tonight and she looks gooooood. Don't get too excited though, I already saw the sweatpants in the car. Sigh.
Actual Meatloaf lyrics: "She used her body like a bandage/She used my body like a wound". Two words: poetry bitches!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Awake at 4:30 PM refreshed and ready to take on the world! Also, I need a nap.
30 minutes till my triumphant appearance on 610 WIP. If you're up and listening, comment here! Also ... WHY are you up and listening?!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Group of ten bald guys who ruined my show tonight: being dickheads won't bring your hair back.
I'll be on 610 WIP from 2 AM through 6 AM tonight. Listen at http://www.610wip.com/ My fear? Jaymates + Online Streaming = Crashed Internet.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm sorry, I just don't believe there'd be as much town interest in a grocery bagging contest as this episode of "Curious George" suggests.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Saw "Revolutionary Road". Of all the ennuis, it's suburban ennui I hate the most. The movie in a sentence: Waaa, I gotta mow the lawn!

Monday, January 18, 2010

At the airport for my redeye home. Ten hours till I'm home saying things that annoy my wife in person rather than just on the Internet.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

My hobby? Glad you asked - I hang out in courtrooms and whisper incredulously at every twist, no matter how minor. Also, I carve birdhouses.
Rumor: Heidi Montag's plastic surgery was a cover for the REAL operation - she was having a soul installed. Sadly, I hear it's not taking.
Watching "Valkyre". Tom Cruise plays a would-be assasin of Hitler who spends his summers as Jamaica's flashiest bartender.
Do you realize that there are literally thousands of pirates who cannot fully enjoy Avatar in 3D? Text "ARRRR" to help.
Last update (promise). Outside a tattoo parlor I heard a girl explain that "it wasn't a tramp stamp cause it was off center." Vegas.
Dance like nobody's watching. But know this: I'm watching. And more than likely laughing. Sorry.
Just saw a guy in an Arctic-level parka with a gaping head wound. Vegas baby.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Trying to figure out what "From Paris with Love" is about. Something involving "Just For Men Beard Dye", I'm guessing...
Of all the awful things we do that our decendants will judge us for, I think the worst is having a commercial after the TD AND the kickoff.
Why hasn't congress done something about Tony Siragusa?
Why are the people most likely to wear an American flag jacket usually the people we'd least like associated with our country?

Friday, January 15, 2010

Idea: the Sahara should reinvent itself as a Crystal Meth "theme" casino.
Just walked through the Sahara casino at 3 AM. Felt like Vincent Price should have been narrating ...

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Just watched Annie on "Community", braless and in a cheerleader outfit. Managed to creep myself out. On the bright side, I think I'm healed!
Ate the meatballs in the Sahara Employee Cafe and haven't left my bed since. I'm a couple of urine jugs away from becoming Howard Hughes.
Backstage. I'm watching a fake Dean Martin talk to a fake Sammy Davis Jr. It's hard to describe the range of emotions I'm feeling right now.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Watching American Idol. I miss irony.
TV show idea: "Man vs. Food vs. Predator".
Prostitutes advertise in Vegas with the slogan "Don't like? Don't pay!" They should also mention the 3rd component of that: a free stabbing.
Here's the helipad. All that's missing is the BJ Hunnicutt of old-school Vegas writing
Here's the helipad. All that's missing is the BJ Hunnicutt of old-school Vegas writing "Goodbye" with rocks.
Looking at the Sahara's helipad. Sad it's still here so long after outliving its usefulness - like implants on an elderly cocktail waitress.
Watching Glenn Beck explain our tax system using actual slices of pie. This combines my two favorite things: misinformation and pastry.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Watching the Van Wilder prequel. Trivia: the producers kept Baubo, the Greek Goddess of Humor on set at all times for easy rapin'.
Cuando usted no tiene acceso a la pornografía, la televisión española está ahí para usted como un ángel de la guarda.
I admire Greta Van Susteren's commitment to her Little Nicky impression.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Dear mad BO scientist trying to create a species of BO-enhanced subhumans: I've found an escaped patient riding the hotel shuttle in Vegas!
The only two phrases worse than "we have a COMPLETELY full flight" are "It's herpes" and "the bottle just landed on Jay Black".
When do you know that you're hopelessly dependent on OTC sleep medications? At 2:43 AM on a night you can't take them.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

If I were an NFL coach, I'd challenge every TD using Zeno's Paradox on the assumption that the refs couldn't sum a series.
Went to the movies with my son. A preview for "The Last Song" came on and we both sighed with boredom at the same time. That's my boy!
Who experiences more discomfort? The average American travelling coach on an airline or Dudley visiting Gordon Jump's bike shop?

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Warning: Dennis Miller Joke ahead. That TD the Eagles tacked on was about as meaningful as the fairwell oral sex Mrs. Garp gave her student.
At an FYE in Scranton. Just saw a copy of "Good Luck Chuck" on BluRay for $40. I feel like this whole city needs a stern talking to.

Friday, January 08, 2010

At a Panera next to a group of cool high school kids. Totally reminds me of my own high school experience (because I'm alone on a computer).
In Scranton to do standup. Sorry to brag. Listen, keep working and maybe you'll be in Scranton one day too. No I'm not crying. Shut up!!

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Cartoons are so different now. Watching "George the Semi-Curious Special Ed Monkey". All he cares to know is the minimum he needs for a D.
Every Thursday at 10 PM my combination tanning salon/Mexican horse-steroid dealership has a mysterious dropoff in business.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

I'll be sitting in on WIP from 2 AM until 6 AM tonight. They've assured me this is when the most people are listening.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Important statistic: girls who own two or more airbrushed t-shirts are 59% more likely to bang a dude in a conversion van.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Has anybody read Anathem? I'm dying to discuss it. If I don't find someone soon, I'll have to paint a face on a volleyball and talk to it.
Taking down a fake Christmas tree sucks. The old days were better- you'd just wait for the tree to burn down your house. Bonus: new house!
Watching "Basic Instinct". Two things people in erotic thrillers are inexplicably ok with: ripped buttons and sex with Michael Douglas.
TLC's dream show: a family of 18 midget kids who own a fancy cake making business. That is the basic cable Holy Grail.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Luke Wilson's mouth tells us lies about AT&T; his body tells us truths about the dangers of complex carbohydrates.
Joe Buck is the Platonic Ideal of douche. Next to Joe all other douches are just shadows dancing on a cave wall.
My son just saw a cartoon train filled with ice cream on TV. He lost his baby mind. It's if I found boobs you could watch Star Wars on.
Larry King is interviewing Dolly Parton. Feels like a Karnak joke: "How do you describe it when three big boobs are together?"

Saturday, January 02, 2010

My sexy bathroom has 270 degrees of mirrors, so I can say now definitively that my back is just as awful as my front.
I imagine that the only thing keeping Bruce Jenner from crying about his life with the Khardashians is his lack of functioning tear-ducts.
Just realized I've never been seduced. Unless you count a girl shouting "Fine! If it'll shut you up!" as being "seduced".
I think all the people who say "it's not worth it to hate your enemies" don't know how to hate correctly.

Friday, January 01, 2010

I'm sitting by myself in a heart-shaped jacuzzi reading a science fiction book. Not sure if I've made the right or wrong choices in life.
Just got back from the show and accidentally saw Colin Cowherd on TV: 2010 is already ruined.