Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Our weekly Black Family Poll shows that almost 1/3rd of the family and a staggering 100% of the women think that I'm a dingleberry.
Whenver ESPN anchors talk about the WNBA, they get the same blankly annoyed look a teacher gets when it's a slow readers turn to read aloud.
Watching "Rambo": a suprisingly harrowing look at the horrors of war. Also the horrors of plastic surgery and HGH abuse.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

My wife told me my hands were girly, bringing my total unattractive parts to 2157. Don't worry: I find a look of resigned obligation hot.
Early, unsuccesful business ventures from the Cash4Gold guys: Coins4Tungsten, Backrubs4Uranium, and ProstateMassage4Xenon.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Advice to Obama: keep Czars, but change their title to "Galactic Freedom Knights". Also, get them matching unitards.
I'm sorry: lip piercings just look like sparkly cold sores to me. I keep thinking "what a cute incurable disease!"
I can't confirm this, but my research leads me to believe that some of the scenes in "The Hills" are staged. "21" scandal in the making?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Tip: if you have a slow-moving, angry old man fetish, I've got four words for you: diner at 10:30 am. You're welcome!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

According to Senator Coburn's chief of staff, watching straight pornography turns you gay. If that's true, then I'm really, _really_ gay.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Ron Jaworski has reached a point where he's more believable as a man in a Mrs. Doubtfire costume than a former NFL quarterback.
Watching "Back to the Future II". I'm starting to be a little doubtful of the accuracy of its predictions for 2015.
I've just been informed that Mel Torme died in 1999. I think it's obvious what killed him: the German porno industry.
Do you think Mel Torme is mad at the German porno industry for forever altering the public's perception of what "scat" is? I'm thinking yes.
Just heard the term "serial rapist" and couldn't shake the image of a weeping Count Chocula. Is it possible I'm sliding into dementia?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Pam Oliver just said that Westbrook was being treated with a "vibrating thingy" she's "never seen before". Pam, we both know that's a lie.
The only thing making me feel better about Reggie Bush scoring that TD is that Kim Kardashian probably gave him pulsing mutant super herpes.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fact: America's longest period of prolonged prosperity coincided perfectly with MTV regularly airing all-bikini episodes of The Grind.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Philly people: I'm on WIP at 9 AM. Cleveland people: I'm on Fox at 10 AM. Rest of the country: you lucked out- no seeing me this morning.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

By the way, you can judge for yourself this week in Cleveland. I'm at Hilarities all week:
A woman after the show tonight told me, "you're lucky you're funny, because you are _not_ hot!" Comedy: a nightly trip back to high school!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My son is awesome (and he certainly has more balls than his father).
My son is awesome (and he certainly has more balls than his father).

Sunday, September 13, 2009

If Tony Dungy was a D&D character, he'd be a half-elf Paladin.
Advice to Obama: claim insurance companies are linked to Al-Qaeda. When people object, call them anti-troops. VoilĂ ! Health Care Reform.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Headline from tomorrow's Daily Trojan: USC True Freshman Quarterback Matt Barkley Tragically Killed in Vagina Avalanche.
Lost a little weight and boy, the girls in Vegas are noticing! Every two minutes a sexy, slightly meth-addicted lady asks to go to my room!
Here's one of the guys.  If there are reports out of Vegas of extreme plumbing problems, it's probably his fault.
Here's one of the guys. If there are reports out of Vegas of extreme plumbing problems, it's probably his fault.
Two guys are attempting to eat a 6 pound burrito at the NASCAR Cafe. And you thought the class of Sinatra's Vegas was gone!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Just saw a woman trying to recapture the glamor of Vegas in the 60s by drinking a beer while visibly pregnant. Vegas baby!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Tim McGraw, I salute you sir. It takes a special kind of talent to make me long for The Black Eyed Peas.
Watching NBC pregame and lemme tell you: I can't think of a better way to get pumped for football than a Tim McGraw midtempo love ballad.
Lessons I've learned from "Taken": 1) approximately 80% of Paris is involved in the underground sex trade. 2) Do not make Liam Neeson angry.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Watching the speech: I hearby nominate the guy in the purple tie who's been blackberrying the whole time as America's douchiest congressman.
We need a Geneva convention to negotiate bigger bathing suits for European men vacationing in America.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Watching a movie on my laptop before the show. Then? Writing till my NyQuil kicks in. Vegas baby! Yeeeeeeeah!
Only 6 channels in my room and one of them is showing my son's favorite show. Wondering if there's a "will Jay cry" line at the sports book.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Irony of Vegas: I had to present ID to buy Sudafed at a pharmacy that was literally next door to a happy-ending massage parlor.
Incidentally, I'm performing all week in the Congo Room at the Sahara. Such history! I almost slipped on a Jerry Lewis hair-oil puddle.
Main advantage of the pool at the Sahara? No embarrassment at going shirtless. I barely qualify as overweight or even hairy here.
Obama should replace Van Jones with the van from the A-Team. Technically not a person, but even Glenn Beck would have to admit it's awesome.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Apparently, at age 70, the part of the brain in charge of wanting to drive RVs triples in size, killing the part that resists telemarketers.
So dissapointed. Thought I saw a super hero driving. Turns out it was just a guy who really likes neon in his car for some reason.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Indisbutable fact: any business with "quality" in its name will, in fact, be awful. I'm looking at you Quality Inn, Lebanon, PA.
To distract America from my recent misstep, I will release a sex tape. If anyone wants to make one, let me know - it'll be a quick shoot.
I've just been informed that my last game was inadvertenly stolen from MadTV. How humiliating! I am the Jayson Blair of social media.
Last game today: cast the voice actors for "Sex Toy Story". Me first! Michael Clark Duncan as "Black Hammer", the tough but kind 14" dildo.
New game: best song to accompany an STD medication commercial. Me first! Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire".
Remember this truth always: no matter what you're watching on TV, someone, somewhere is masturbating to it.
Assignment for students: consider the dangers of "indoctrination" during the pledge of allegiance; try to keep your brain from exploding.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Saw an ad for a college with a guy and girl BOTH playing instruments on the quad. "At our college you'll annoyed on the way to every class".