Thursday, December 31, 2009

May your 2010 be free from stabbing, or, if you must be stabbed, may your stabbing be gentle and lethality-free.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Keane does Marlon Brando (except for maybe the choo choo shirt; I'm not 100% Brando wore that in
Keane does Marlon Brando (except for maybe the choo choo shirt; I'm not 100% Brando wore that in "The Wild One").
I'll be on 610 WIP in Philly again tomorrow from 8 AM until 10 AM. Use it as a springboard to your night of drinking!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Watching the awful "8 Days a Week" because I vaguely remember a wet t-shirt scene. Imagine my productivity if I was born without a penis.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Watching "He's Just Not That Into You". Better title: "Good Looking People I Don't Give A Damn About And Also Scarlett Johansson's Boobs".
New game: Worst Two-Word Biography Title. Me first! "Bloated Scrotum: The Jay Black Story".

Sunday, December 27, 2009

My son had a truck and was happy. A little girl wanted the truck and he gave it to her. Now, she's happy and he's sad. Get used to it kid.
If I'm ever gunned down, I hope my son does the respectful thing and becomes a vengence-obsessed masked vigilante.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

My wife explained to me that she loved the necklace I got her so much we had to return it. I think I may have married an Orwell novel.
What are your December 26th traditions? I listen to "Brick" by Ben Folds Five while I stare at my gifts and wonder why I'm not happy.

Friday, December 25, 2009

I'm a CubanoGoth: instead of cutting myself, I watch post-Jerry Maguire Cuban Gooding Jr. movies. "Snow Dogs" makes the pain real.
Two glasses of wine + 30 minutes of blowing up an inflatable toy = super high. If you have merlot and a beachball, you have a party.
Saw an NBA promo where the Knicks visited sick kids. I felt so sad for the kids: to be sick AND to have to feign excitement over the Knicks!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tip: instead of arguing politics at your holiday party, rip your pants off and masturbate violently. Trust me, it will be better received.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'll be sitting in on the morning show on 610 WIP from 8-10 AM tomorrow. If you're out of area, now would be the time to move to Philly!
Maybe Balloon Boy's father will go to the jail where they film MSNBC's "Lockup". I mean, it _is_ a reality show, right?
TV show idea: "Pleaters". Host Joey Greco takes us into the decadent world of the khaki pants industry.
How many hours a day do you think "Cheaters" host Joey Greco spends in front of a mirror practicing human emotions? At least 2 or 3, right?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Watching "Back to School". One of the few movies to truly capture America's intense love-affair with collegiate diving.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Every holiday Kay Jewelers ad: hot girl and d-bag do something wintery, d-bag pulls out shitty necklace, hot girl's look implies oral. Fin.
Sadder moment: Jennifer Conelly's "Requiem for a Dream" character going ass-to-ass or _any_ line of dialog on Disney's "Imagination Movers"?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Theory: women like _mildly_ funny men. A constant string of mediocre jokes keeps her happy; super-funny MechaGodzilla jokes annoy her.
My son keeps snatching my glasses and running into the other room with them. I'm literally being bullied by a two year old.
If my wife were turned into a magical Norse weapon, her name would be "Der Joykiller".

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Disappointment #1422: Mt. Rushmore has been struck by lightening thousands of times and yet not one of the sculptures have come to life.
Uncle Vinnies show is cancelled tonight due to the plot of "The Day After Tomorrow" coming true. I'll update when we reschedule!

Friday, December 18, 2009 - come see me tomorrow night at Uncle Vinnies in Staten Island! Tell snow to go f itself!
The key to a good marriage is keeping things fresh. For example, my wife is always finding new ways to show me her dissapointment.
Important question: when do the guys on "The Jersey Shore" think it's _not_ appropriate to be shirtless? Funeral? Audience with the pope?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Ah, the joys of the pediatrician.
Ah, the joys of the pediatrician.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Guy: I got my son all the Thomas toys. Me: I think I'll just get my kid addicted to meth- probably cheaper. G: Uh... Me: Haha? G: Uh...
Worst moment in Christianity's history: The Spanish Inquisition or the giant cross on Ronnie's back on "The Jersey Shore"?
Attention Jaymates: I'll be at Uncle Vinnies new club in Staten Island for 2 shows this Saturday!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tis the season ... to fight the overwhelming urge to ram slow-moving elderly shoppers with your holiday cart.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Any event that is known to suck but which people have an obligation to attend should _always_ have an open bar.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Hint: if you're going to stop and smell the roses, don't do it in Atlantic City. The whole town smells like Drakkar Noir mixed with vomit.
I estimate that my wife devotes 18% of her brainpower trying to figure out how to keep dogs and babies still for pictures.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Watching a Lexus Christmas commercial. Anyone have the numbers on the recession's effect on the giant douchebag car-ribbon industry?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

No one cares about the climate summit because we're so scandal-foxused. Idea: Tiger Woods should have sex with the hole in the ozone layer.
Whenever I see a shooting star, I make a wish that the asteroid I'm watching isn't an extinction-level planet-killer.
Went from sad to depressed to suicidal. Was worried it was a chemical imbalance but then I realized I was watching Meg Ryan in "The Women".

Monday, December 07, 2009

New game! Most offensive XXX spoof. Me first: "The Miracle Porker" (incidentally, it still ends with a pump scene).

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Discovered today that I have great talent for making any Christmas song be about farts. My wife is truly blessed.
Feels weird rooting for the giants today. Now I know how WWII America felt, rooting for Stalin's Russia.
More disturbing thought: your daughter is kidnapped by the thugs from "Taken" or she's chosen to be on the 2nd season of "Jersey Shore".

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Performing at a church. Average age of the crowd is (conservative estimate) 14,000 years old. Anybody have any good Pope Pious IV jokes?
Watching Goonies. Ladies, which is the more unappealing look? Josh Brolin's headband/shorts-over-the-sweatpants outfit or Sloth?

Friday, December 04, 2009

My capacity to offend people with in depth stories about pornography has not diminished! Felt like Rocky coming out of retirement tonight.
Sirius 60's on 6 is a great station: wonderful music + the fun of listening to classic DJs like Cousin Brucie as they slide into dementia.
Auto-Tune is to the music industry what fake boobs were to the porn industry. It'll still be fun but somehow Little Bill winds up dead.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Phrase I just invented: "Summer Catch-22". Def: when you waste time on an awful movie for a nude/bikini scene only to realize you missed it.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

If the iPhone is the world's sexiest woman, AT&T is the STD you kinda know she has, but that you're too horny to think clearly about.