Monday, November 30, 2009

If hacker movies from the mid-nineties are right, all you need to do to crack any computer code is to type randomly while the camera spins.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Watching my son size up another baby around the Thomas the Tank Engine table at Barnes and Noble. It's like Ali-Frazier right now.
I keep hearing that Sarah Palin can "field dress a moose". Is this code for something dirty? If not, why not?
Kenny Albert: "the Eagles are really kickin' themselves in the foot with these penalties". Indeed, sir.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

The European Dutch have pot and hookers. The Pennsylvania Dutch have bonnets and horses. I think America got the short end of that stick.
My wife said the TV character I most remind her of is Dexter. I've never seen the show - I assume he's a handsome, well-adjusted comedian?
9 AM: my wife picks the _exact_ peak of my REM cycle to scream "GO GET BAGELS!" at me. If they kept stats for this, she'd be Joe DiMaggio.
"The Road" is about an apocalypse. "Old Dogs" make you wish for one.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Do you like comedy? Do you like over-priced Amish knicknacks? Well, then, saddle-up and see me at Stitches in Lancaster, PA this weekend!
First we give thanks, then we trample each other for one-day markdowns on consumer goods ... just as the Pilgrims did.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving tip: when listing things you're thankful for at the table, try to limit the number of pornstars you mention to three at most.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Just flipped from a Beatles doc and "True Life: Jersey Shore". One moment: loving humanity. The next: rooting for a zombie apocalypse.
Here's how I would advertise "The Road" tomorrow: "What better way to end a day with your family than by imagining a world without them?"
AT&T _should_ be advertising it's killer feature: a network so unreliable that you can hang up on any unwanted call and blame it on AT&T.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

My wife cooks pork the same day we get swine flu vaccines. It's "pigs can suck it day" at the Black house!
Dear movie characters, if the evil frat boy you're arguing with turns around to walk away, he will actually punch you 109 times out of 100.
Just got the H1N1 vaccine! Finally I can get back to my unique sexual fetish: oil wretling with people infected with swine flu.

Monday, November 23, 2009

In a movie, if you leave a party to stare off a balcony, your love interest will seek you out. In real life, they hook up with a frat boy.
Watching 1995's "Bye Bye Love". Was America ever innocent enough that Mathew Modine, Paul Reiser, and Randy Quaid could greenlight a movie?
Thinking about starting a band named "The Beedles" just to annoy people who use voice controls on their iPod.
Okay, so ipowerweb is an awful, _awful_ web hosting service. I need a new one. Any suggestions? (GoDaddy? I enjoy boob-based advertising..)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Christmas lights up; kid napping; Bruce playing "Born to Run" in 5.1 on the HD. Is this what you humans call "happiness"?
If I were a mute assasin, I'd want my nickname to be SBD (silent ... but deadly).

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The one lesson to take away from 1983's "BMX Bandits" is that the color of your BMX bike tires should ALWAYS match your BMX jumpsuit.
Stalin-era Russian work camp. Single men: This is horrible! Married men: Hey shut up - you want to ruin this and get us sent home!?

Friday, November 20, 2009

There comes a point as a married man where the events of even the tamest porno become indistinguishable from science fiction.
My brother, Greg Black, just joined facebook. Friend him if you're so inclined. Be warned: if you tell him about Farmville I will kill you.
Dear whoever is in charge of making sure the rest stop on I-684E between NY and CT doesn't smell like a barrel of hobo-pee: you suck.
Off to CT to perform at an Elks Lodge. Yep, bet the girls I graduated with feel pretty stupid they didn't date me when they had the chance!
New favorite game: trying to guess if the commercial I'm watching is for Broadview Home Security. "Where's Waldo the Creepy Sex Criminal?"

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Ignore the last update. It was an aborted Twilight joke that somehow slipped out.
My granddad used to refer to taking a poop as "going to the Twilight Zone". Used to think he was referencing the TV show, but
Watching Predator. TWO governors star in this movie! Little know bonus fact: the Predator is played by UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.
Programming note: I'll be on 610 WIP in Philly today at 9:30 AM. If your boss won't let you listen at work, you have my blessing to quit!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Told my wife I did some housework "for her". After a lecture on the implications of that statement, I wanted to kill myself ... "for us".

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I think you can listen to Jenny McCarthy about vaccinations. I get MY financial advice from Pam Anderson. Also, Holly Madison is my dentist.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Politically, people confuse hate for one side as love for the other. It's like saying "I hate face punches so I guess I love scrote-kicks".

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Every teen considering smoking should share a hotel room with my brother. It's like spending the night in a 19th century TB clinic.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Life truth #1544: in any given bookstore, as the ratio of calendars to books approaches 1:1, the quality of that bookstore approaches 0.
Mcing. Just intro'd a rapper named "Alexie". He's mad at me for pronouncing it as it's spelled instead of "Alex-A". I am _so_ getting shot.
Challenge: if MIT and Satan were given $10 trillion, could they come up with a less pleasant flying experience than the one we have now?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Biiiiiiig woman on the plane next to me. So much of her flesh crept under the armrest that I think I _technically_ cheated on my wife.
If MN is the Pippin of "making you want to kill yourself for lack of anything to see while driving at night", then IA is the Jordan.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

New Jaymate alert: I'll be making another appearance on WIP tomorrow at 5:25 AM. If you're up that early ... reconsider your life choices.
Iowa realtor Susan Hawkins is so good she doesn't need a "real" billboard; she can print _her_ ad on white flimsy plastic tied to a stick!
Judging from my stay at the Super 8, "super" must be Iowa slang for "dead ladybugs and broken dreams."
Attention Jaymates: I'll be on 610 WIP at 8:45 this morning. If you're in Philly and own a fancy AM radio, check it out!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I'm at a Super 8 between a dog food factory and a rendering plant. If you had the over on "minutes Jay weeps in Iowa", you're making money!
I will never know the pain of childbirth, but my wife will never know the pain of a noon show in a cafeteria in Iowa. I think it's a wash.
My wife and I have been together 9 years today. She just emailed me "Happy 8 years". Honest mistake? Or was she unhappy 1/9th of the time?
If MInnesota was cool, they'd change the names of Minneapolis and St. Paul to "Tomax" and "Xamot".
Driving all night. Question: am I big enough back home that if I crash I get a story + an obit or just an obit? I'm thinking obit only.
Another lonely night driving by myself. Makes me wish I had multiple personalities. Bonus: masturbating would be like an orgy!

Monday, November 09, 2009

I'm slipping into depression. FYI: While depressed, I shall communicate only through goth poetry. "Vampire darkness/Hot Topic pants."
If aliens come to earth and demand to see proof of our worthiness as a species, I suggest we DO NOT show them AT&T's cell network.
Curious as to what pitching a movie is like? Start approaching random women and asking them "Hey, how 'bout a BJ" until one says yes.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

If casinos have to put gambling addiction hotline numbers on their ads, shouldn't strippers have to use their tramp stamp space for VD info?
There's a huge sign in LAX that says "Going Down? Use the handrail". Why hasn't an enterprising college kid stolen this for over his bed?

Thursday, November 05, 2009

E.T. had an easier time phoning home than I have reaching my wife. Thinking about getting a Speak'nSpell and trying that way.
If someone is coughing on a plane during flu season, everyone on that plane should be allowed punch him on the way out.
Jay Leno joke from 2031: The guy who invented Viagra died yesterday. As a show of respect, the flag will be kept at full mast for 4 hours.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Do ghost kids stay at the mental level they were when they died? Because it'd be hard to be scared of someone who falls for "got your nose".
Dear bald, coughing armrest hog from my flight this morning: there is literally nothing in this world I hate as much as you. That is all.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Judging from the Dino De Laurentiis "Flash Gordon", the Italian for "campy fun" and "shit-filled carbuncle" is confusingly similar.