Thursday, December 31, 2009

May your 2010 be free from stabbing, or, if you must be stabbed, may your stabbing be gentle and lethality-free.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Keane does Marlon Brando (except for maybe the choo choo shirt; I'm not 100% Brando wore that in
Keane does Marlon Brando (except for maybe the choo choo shirt; I'm not 100% Brando wore that in "The Wild One").
I'll be on 610 WIP in Philly again tomorrow from 8 AM until 10 AM. Use it as a springboard to your night of drinking!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Watching the awful "8 Days a Week" because I vaguely remember a wet t-shirt scene. Imagine my productivity if I was born without a penis.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Watching "He's Just Not That Into You". Better title: "Good Looking People I Don't Give A Damn About And Also Scarlett Johansson's Boobs".
New game: Worst Two-Word Biography Title. Me first! "Bloated Scrotum: The Jay Black Story".

Sunday, December 27, 2009

My son had a truck and was happy. A little girl wanted the truck and he gave it to her. Now, she's happy and he's sad. Get used to it kid.
If I'm ever gunned down, I hope my son does the respectful thing and becomes a vengence-obsessed masked vigilante.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

My wife explained to me that she loved the necklace I got her so much we had to return it. I think I may have married an Orwell novel.
What are your December 26th traditions? I listen to "Brick" by Ben Folds Five while I stare at my gifts and wonder why I'm not happy.

Friday, December 25, 2009

I'm a CubanoGoth: instead of cutting myself, I watch post-Jerry Maguire Cuban Gooding Jr. movies. "Snow Dogs" makes the pain real.
Two glasses of wine + 30 minutes of blowing up an inflatable toy = super high. If you have merlot and a beachball, you have a party.
Saw an NBA promo where the Knicks visited sick kids. I felt so sad for the kids: to be sick AND to have to feign excitement over the Knicks!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tip: instead of arguing politics at your holiday party, rip your pants off and masturbate violently. Trust me, it will be better received.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'll be sitting in on the morning show on 610 WIP from 8-10 AM tomorrow. If you're out of area, now would be the time to move to Philly!
Maybe Balloon Boy's father will go to the jail where they film MSNBC's "Lockup". I mean, it _is_ a reality show, right?
TV show idea: "Pleaters". Host Joey Greco takes us into the decadent world of the khaki pants industry.
How many hours a day do you think "Cheaters" host Joey Greco spends in front of a mirror practicing human emotions? At least 2 or 3, right?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Watching "Back to School". One of the few movies to truly capture America's intense love-affair with collegiate diving.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Every holiday Kay Jewelers ad: hot girl and d-bag do something wintery, d-bag pulls out shitty necklace, hot girl's look implies oral. Fin.
Sadder moment: Jennifer Conelly's "Requiem for a Dream" character going ass-to-ass or _any_ line of dialog on Disney's "Imagination Movers"?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Theory: women like _mildly_ funny men. A constant string of mediocre jokes keeps her happy; super-funny MechaGodzilla jokes annoy her.
My son keeps snatching my glasses and running into the other room with them. I'm literally being bullied by a two year old.
If my wife were turned into a magical Norse weapon, her name would be "Der Joykiller".

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Disappointment #1422: Mt. Rushmore has been struck by lightening thousands of times and yet not one of the sculptures have come to life.
Uncle Vinnies show is cancelled tonight due to the plot of "The Day After Tomorrow" coming true. I'll update when we reschedule!

Friday, December 18, 2009 - come see me tomorrow night at Uncle Vinnies in Staten Island! Tell snow to go f itself!
The key to a good marriage is keeping things fresh. For example, my wife is always finding new ways to show me her dissapointment.
Important question: when do the guys on "The Jersey Shore" think it's _not_ appropriate to be shirtless? Funeral? Audience with the pope?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Ah, the joys of the pediatrician.
Ah, the joys of the pediatrician.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Guy: I got my son all the Thomas toys. Me: I think I'll just get my kid addicted to meth- probably cheaper. G: Uh... Me: Haha? G: Uh...
Worst moment in Christianity's history: The Spanish Inquisition or the giant cross on Ronnie's back on "The Jersey Shore"?
Attention Jaymates: I'll be at Uncle Vinnies new club in Staten Island for 2 shows this Saturday!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tis the season ... to fight the overwhelming urge to ram slow-moving elderly shoppers with your holiday cart.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Any event that is known to suck but which people have an obligation to attend should _always_ have an open bar.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Hint: if you're going to stop and smell the roses, don't do it in Atlantic City. The whole town smells like Drakkar Noir mixed with vomit.
I estimate that my wife devotes 18% of her brainpower trying to figure out how to keep dogs and babies still for pictures.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Watching a Lexus Christmas commercial. Anyone have the numbers on the recession's effect on the giant douchebag car-ribbon industry?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

No one cares about the climate summit because we're so scandal-foxused. Idea: Tiger Woods should have sex with the hole in the ozone layer.
Whenever I see a shooting star, I make a wish that the asteroid I'm watching isn't an extinction-level planet-killer.
Went from sad to depressed to suicidal. Was worried it was a chemical imbalance but then I realized I was watching Meg Ryan in "The Women".

Monday, December 07, 2009

New game! Most offensive XXX spoof. Me first: "The Miracle Porker" (incidentally, it still ends with a pump scene).

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Discovered today that I have great talent for making any Christmas song be about farts. My wife is truly blessed.
Feels weird rooting for the giants today. Now I know how WWII America felt, rooting for Stalin's Russia.
More disturbing thought: your daughter is kidnapped by the thugs from "Taken" or she's chosen to be on the 2nd season of "Jersey Shore".

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Performing at a church. Average age of the crowd is (conservative estimate) 14,000 years old. Anybody have any good Pope Pious IV jokes?
Watching Goonies. Ladies, which is the more unappealing look? Josh Brolin's headband/shorts-over-the-sweatpants outfit or Sloth?

Friday, December 04, 2009

My capacity to offend people with in depth stories about pornography has not diminished! Felt like Rocky coming out of retirement tonight.
Sirius 60's on 6 is a great station: wonderful music + the fun of listening to classic DJs like Cousin Brucie as they slide into dementia.
Auto-Tune is to the music industry what fake boobs were to the porn industry. It'll still be fun but somehow Little Bill winds up dead.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Phrase I just invented: "Summer Catch-22". Def: when you waste time on an awful movie for a nude/bikini scene only to realize you missed it.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

If the iPhone is the world's sexiest woman, AT&T is the STD you kinda know she has, but that you're too horny to think clearly about.

Monday, November 30, 2009

If hacker movies from the mid-nineties are right, all you need to do to crack any computer code is to type randomly while the camera spins.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Watching my son size up another baby around the Thomas the Tank Engine table at Barnes and Noble. It's like Ali-Frazier right now.
I keep hearing that Sarah Palin can "field dress a moose". Is this code for something dirty? If not, why not?
Kenny Albert: "the Eagles are really kickin' themselves in the foot with these penalties". Indeed, sir.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

The European Dutch have pot and hookers. The Pennsylvania Dutch have bonnets and horses. I think America got the short end of that stick.
My wife said the TV character I most remind her of is Dexter. I've never seen the show - I assume he's a handsome, well-adjusted comedian?
9 AM: my wife picks the _exact_ peak of my REM cycle to scream "GO GET BAGELS!" at me. If they kept stats for this, she'd be Joe DiMaggio.
"The Road" is about an apocalypse. "Old Dogs" make you wish for one.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Do you like comedy? Do you like over-priced Amish knicknacks? Well, then, saddle-up and see me at Stitches in Lancaster, PA this weekend!
First we give thanks, then we trample each other for one-day markdowns on consumer goods ... just as the Pilgrims did.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving tip: when listing things you're thankful for at the table, try to limit the number of pornstars you mention to three at most.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Just flipped from a Beatles doc and "True Life: Jersey Shore". One moment: loving humanity. The next: rooting for a zombie apocalypse.
Here's how I would advertise "The Road" tomorrow: "What better way to end a day with your family than by imagining a world without them?"
AT&T _should_ be advertising it's killer feature: a network so unreliable that you can hang up on any unwanted call and blame it on AT&T.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

My wife cooks pork the same day we get swine flu vaccines. It's "pigs can suck it day" at the Black house!
Dear movie characters, if the evil frat boy you're arguing with turns around to walk away, he will actually punch you 109 times out of 100.
Just got the H1N1 vaccine! Finally I can get back to my unique sexual fetish: oil wretling with people infected with swine flu.

Monday, November 23, 2009

In a movie, if you leave a party to stare off a balcony, your love interest will seek you out. In real life, they hook up with a frat boy.
Watching 1995's "Bye Bye Love". Was America ever innocent enough that Mathew Modine, Paul Reiser, and Randy Quaid could greenlight a movie?
Thinking about starting a band named "The Beedles" just to annoy people who use voice controls on their iPod.
Okay, so ipowerweb is an awful, _awful_ web hosting service. I need a new one. Any suggestions? (GoDaddy? I enjoy boob-based advertising..)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Christmas lights up; kid napping; Bruce playing "Born to Run" in 5.1 on the HD. Is this what you humans call "happiness"?
If I were a mute assasin, I'd want my nickname to be SBD (silent ... but deadly).

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The one lesson to take away from 1983's "BMX Bandits" is that the color of your BMX bike tires should ALWAYS match your BMX jumpsuit.
Stalin-era Russian work camp. Single men: This is horrible! Married men: Hey shut up - you want to ruin this and get us sent home!?

Friday, November 20, 2009

There comes a point as a married man where the events of even the tamest porno become indistinguishable from science fiction.
My brother, Greg Black, just joined facebook. Friend him if you're so inclined. Be warned: if you tell him about Farmville I will kill you.
Dear whoever is in charge of making sure the rest stop on I-684E between NY and CT doesn't smell like a barrel of hobo-pee: you suck.
Off to CT to perform at an Elks Lodge. Yep, bet the girls I graduated with feel pretty stupid they didn't date me when they had the chance!
New favorite game: trying to guess if the commercial I'm watching is for Broadview Home Security. "Where's Waldo the Creepy Sex Criminal?"

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Ignore the last update. It was an aborted Twilight joke that somehow slipped out.
My granddad used to refer to taking a poop as "going to the Twilight Zone". Used to think he was referencing the TV show, but
Watching Predator. TWO governors star in this movie! Little know bonus fact: the Predator is played by UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.
Programming note: I'll be on 610 WIP in Philly today at 9:30 AM. If your boss won't let you listen at work, you have my blessing to quit!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Told my wife I did some housework "for her". After a lecture on the implications of that statement, I wanted to kill myself ... "for us".

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I think you can listen to Jenny McCarthy about vaccinations. I get MY financial advice from Pam Anderson. Also, Holly Madison is my dentist.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Politically, people confuse hate for one side as love for the other. It's like saying "I hate face punches so I guess I love scrote-kicks".

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Every teen considering smoking should share a hotel room with my brother. It's like spending the night in a 19th century TB clinic.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Life truth #1544: in any given bookstore, as the ratio of calendars to books approaches 1:1, the quality of that bookstore approaches 0.
Mcing. Just intro'd a rapper named "Alexie". He's mad at me for pronouncing it as it's spelled instead of "Alex-A". I am _so_ getting shot.
Challenge: if MIT and Satan were given $10 trillion, could they come up with a less pleasant flying experience than the one we have now?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Biiiiiiig woman on the plane next to me. So much of her flesh crept under the armrest that I think I _technically_ cheated on my wife.
If MN is the Pippin of "making you want to kill yourself for lack of anything to see while driving at night", then IA is the Jordan.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

New Jaymate alert: I'll be making another appearance on WIP tomorrow at 5:25 AM. If you're up that early ... reconsider your life choices.
Iowa realtor Susan Hawkins is so good she doesn't need a "real" billboard; she can print _her_ ad on white flimsy plastic tied to a stick!
Judging from my stay at the Super 8, "super" must be Iowa slang for "dead ladybugs and broken dreams."
Attention Jaymates: I'll be on 610 WIP at 8:45 this morning. If you're in Philly and own a fancy AM radio, check it out!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I'm at a Super 8 between a dog food factory and a rendering plant. If you had the over on "minutes Jay weeps in Iowa", you're making money!
I will never know the pain of childbirth, but my wife will never know the pain of a noon show in a cafeteria in Iowa. I think it's a wash.
My wife and I have been together 9 years today. She just emailed me "Happy 8 years". Honest mistake? Or was she unhappy 1/9th of the time?
If MInnesota was cool, they'd change the names of Minneapolis and St. Paul to "Tomax" and "Xamot".
Driving all night. Question: am I big enough back home that if I crash I get a story + an obit or just an obit? I'm thinking obit only.
Another lonely night driving by myself. Makes me wish I had multiple personalities. Bonus: masturbating would be like an orgy!

Monday, November 09, 2009

I'm slipping into depression. FYI: While depressed, I shall communicate only through goth poetry. "Vampire darkness/Hot Topic pants."
If aliens come to earth and demand to see proof of our worthiness as a species, I suggest we DO NOT show them AT&T's cell network.
Curious as to what pitching a movie is like? Start approaching random women and asking them "Hey, how 'bout a BJ" until one says yes.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

If casinos have to put gambling addiction hotline numbers on their ads, shouldn't strippers have to use their tramp stamp space for VD info?
There's a huge sign in LAX that says "Going Down? Use the handrail". Why hasn't an enterprising college kid stolen this for over his bed?

Thursday, November 05, 2009

E.T. had an easier time phoning home than I have reaching my wife. Thinking about getting a Speak'nSpell and trying that way.
If someone is coughing on a plane during flu season, everyone on that plane should be allowed punch him on the way out.
Jay Leno joke from 2031: The guy who invented Viagra died yesterday. As a show of respect, the flag will be kept at full mast for 4 hours.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Do ghost kids stay at the mental level they were when they died? Because it'd be hard to be scared of someone who falls for "got your nose".
Dear bald, coughing armrest hog from my flight this morning: there is literally nothing in this world I hate as much as you. That is all.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Judging from the Dino De Laurentiis "Flash Gordon", the Italian for "campy fun" and "shit-filled carbuncle" is confusingly similar.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Just saw a billboard advertising "mature fantasy". I can only assume they mean refinancing a mortgage at under 5% and a solid BM.
Watching Michael Jackson videos on MTV. The venn diagram overlap of "good dancer" and "believable gang member" is a slim sliver indeed.

Friday, October 30, 2009

The UFL is like trying to seduce a girl by saying "Hey, I'm not as good looking as other guys, but on the other hand, I'm bad in bed."
New word for the private area of a woman who is cold in bed: brrrrrr-gina.
You know, if I knew a diamond ring was coming next, I'd be secretly hoping that that mocking bird don't sing.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Amish people have such a strong community: just saw a group of them surround an ED sufferer and perform a weiner raising.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Fact: if Walt Whitman were alive today, most of his poetry would be about how much Philly's airport sucks.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Some see the glass half empty; others half full. I'm suspicious the liquid in the glass might be poison.
I'm pretty sure at this point you could replace me with Dick Sargent.

Monday, October 26, 2009

If I had spent all the hours I've spent in doctor's waiting rooms studying, I could've gotten a medical degree and diagnosed myself.
The irony of the doctor's waiting room is that the longer I'm there, the more I actively wish for my own death.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

My wife woke me out of happy-sleep for a little "hot and heavy"! (HnH is our phrase for "looking for clothes as loudly as possible").
Watching a Halloween parade with the family. I love parades! They combine my two favorite things: boredom and carbon monoxide poisoning.
Biggest fear: nuclear war. Second biggest fear: getting invited over Nancy Grace's house and spilling wine on something.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Keane's first haircut. If cute were fat and awesome was presidential timber, than this pic is William Howard Taft.
Keane's first haircut. If cute were fat and awesome was presidential timber, than this pic is William Howard Taft.
New game: worst possible wedding song? Me first! "Brick" by Ben Folds Five.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Saw a girl smoking and talking on a cell phone while waiting to get a tan. I imagine Three Mile Island was booked and she had to make do.

Friday, October 16, 2009

New game! Pop culture item most likely to have a chapter about it in a book about the fall of the American empire. Me first: "Made of Honor"

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Hot girl Halloween idea: put on a skimpy jersey and a pair of cat ears and go as The Wildcat Offense. Also: trick or treat at my house.
At the vet. There's a poster explaining that a symptom of Lyme disease is "recurring lameness". So that explains it: I have Lyme disease.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Hey JayMates: I'm at the Comedy Stop at the Trop in AC all week! Come! There's a mirror in the greenroom so I MIGHT start each show weeping!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Saw a Native American hitchhiker today. Normally I ignore hitchhikers, but in honor of Columbus day, I ran him over and stole all his stuff.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Try to celebrate tomorrow the way Columbus himself would've wanted you to: discover something, then plunder the living shit out of it.
Lady GaGa is inexplicably attractive. It's like she's a soup made only of unpalatable ingredients that somehow manages to taste good.

Monday, October 05, 2009

If someone went into a coma 3 years ago and woke up during the MNF game, I bet it'd be easy to convince him he was in a mirror universe.
New game! Funniest adverb to describe the word "masturbating". Me first: Furiously.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

If there was an unintentionally gay Smithsonian, Apollo's half shirt and short shorts from Rocky III would be its Spirit of St. Louis.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

[((John+Kate+8)-(Kate+8))*(Ed Hardy t-shirts)*(Hair Implants)*(Earrings)]/(TLC) = Extraordinary Douchebag. It's just simple math.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Our weekly Black Family Poll shows that almost 1/3rd of the family and a staggering 100% of the women think that I'm a dingleberry.
Whenver ESPN anchors talk about the WNBA, they get the same blankly annoyed look a teacher gets when it's a slow readers turn to read aloud.
Watching "Rambo": a suprisingly harrowing look at the horrors of war. Also the horrors of plastic surgery and HGH abuse.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

My wife told me my hands were girly, bringing my total unattractive parts to 2157. Don't worry: I find a look of resigned obligation hot.
Early, unsuccesful business ventures from the Cash4Gold guys: Coins4Tungsten, Backrubs4Uranium, and ProstateMassage4Xenon.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Advice to Obama: keep Czars, but change their title to "Galactic Freedom Knights". Also, get them matching unitards.
I'm sorry: lip piercings just look like sparkly cold sores to me. I keep thinking "what a cute incurable disease!"
I can't confirm this, but my research leads me to believe that some of the scenes in "The Hills" are staged. "21" scandal in the making?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Tip: if you have a slow-moving, angry old man fetish, I've got four words for you: diner at 10:30 am. You're welcome!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

According to Senator Coburn's chief of staff, watching straight pornography turns you gay. If that's true, then I'm really, _really_ gay.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Ron Jaworski has reached a point where he's more believable as a man in a Mrs. Doubtfire costume than a former NFL quarterback.
Watching "Back to the Future II". I'm starting to be a little doubtful of the accuracy of its predictions for 2015.
I've just been informed that Mel Torme died in 1999. I think it's obvious what killed him: the German porno industry.
Do you think Mel Torme is mad at the German porno industry for forever altering the public's perception of what "scat" is? I'm thinking yes.
Just heard the term "serial rapist" and couldn't shake the image of a weeping Count Chocula. Is it possible I'm sliding into dementia?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Pam Oliver just said that Westbrook was being treated with a "vibrating thingy" she's "never seen before". Pam, we both know that's a lie.
The only thing making me feel better about Reggie Bush scoring that TD is that Kim Kardashian probably gave him pulsing mutant super herpes.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fact: America's longest period of prolonged prosperity coincided perfectly with MTV regularly airing all-bikini episodes of The Grind.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Philly people: I'm on WIP at 9 AM. Cleveland people: I'm on Fox at 10 AM. Rest of the country: you lucked out- no seeing me this morning.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

By the way, you can judge for yourself this week in Cleveland. I'm at Hilarities all week:
A woman after the show tonight told me, "you're lucky you're funny, because you are _not_ hot!" Comedy: a nightly trip back to high school!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My son is awesome (and he certainly has more balls than his father).
My son is awesome (and he certainly has more balls than his father).

Sunday, September 13, 2009

If Tony Dungy was a D&D character, he'd be a half-elf Paladin.
Advice to Obama: claim insurance companies are linked to Al-Qaeda. When people object, call them anti-troops. VoilĂ ! Health Care Reform.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Headline from tomorrow's Daily Trojan: USC True Freshman Quarterback Matt Barkley Tragically Killed in Vagina Avalanche.
Lost a little weight and boy, the girls in Vegas are noticing! Every two minutes a sexy, slightly meth-addicted lady asks to go to my room!
Here's one of the guys.  If there are reports out of Vegas of extreme plumbing problems, it's probably his fault.
Here's one of the guys. If there are reports out of Vegas of extreme plumbing problems, it's probably his fault.
Two guys are attempting to eat a 6 pound burrito at the NASCAR Cafe. And you thought the class of Sinatra's Vegas was gone!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Just saw a woman trying to recapture the glamor of Vegas in the 60s by drinking a beer while visibly pregnant. Vegas baby!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Tim McGraw, I salute you sir. It takes a special kind of talent to make me long for The Black Eyed Peas.
Watching NBC pregame and lemme tell you: I can't think of a better way to get pumped for football than a Tim McGraw midtempo love ballad.
Lessons I've learned from "Taken": 1) approximately 80% of Paris is involved in the underground sex trade. 2) Do not make Liam Neeson angry.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Watching the speech: I hearby nominate the guy in the purple tie who's been blackberrying the whole time as America's douchiest congressman.
We need a Geneva convention to negotiate bigger bathing suits for European men vacationing in America.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Watching a movie on my laptop before the show. Then? Writing till my NyQuil kicks in. Vegas baby! Yeeeeeeeah!
Only 6 channels in my room and one of them is showing my son's favorite show. Wondering if there's a "will Jay cry" line at the sports book.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Irony of Vegas: I had to present ID to buy Sudafed at a pharmacy that was literally next door to a happy-ending massage parlor.
Incidentally, I'm performing all week in the Congo Room at the Sahara. Such history! I almost slipped on a Jerry Lewis hair-oil puddle.
Main advantage of the pool at the Sahara? No embarrassment at going shirtless. I barely qualify as overweight or even hairy here.
Obama should replace Van Jones with the van from the A-Team. Technically not a person, but even Glenn Beck would have to admit it's awesome.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Apparently, at age 70, the part of the brain in charge of wanting to drive RVs triples in size, killing the part that resists telemarketers.
So dissapointed. Thought I saw a super hero driving. Turns out it was just a guy who really likes neon in his car for some reason.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Indisbutable fact: any business with "quality" in its name will, in fact, be awful. I'm looking at you Quality Inn, Lebanon, PA.
To distract America from my recent misstep, I will release a sex tape. If anyone wants to make one, let me know - it'll be a quick shoot.
I've just been informed that my last game was inadvertenly stolen from MadTV. How humiliating! I am the Jayson Blair of social media.
Last game today: cast the voice actors for "Sex Toy Story". Me first! Michael Clark Duncan as "Black Hammer", the tough but kind 14" dildo.
New game: best song to accompany an STD medication commercial. Me first! Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire".
Remember this truth always: no matter what you're watching on TV, someone, somewhere is masturbating to it.
Assignment for students: consider the dangers of "indoctrination" during the pledge of allegiance; try to keep your brain from exploding.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Saw an ad for a college with a guy and girl BOTH playing instruments on the quad. "At our college you'll annoyed on the way to every class".

Monday, August 31, 2009

New game: children's programming titles that sound like they could double as "adult movie" titles. Me first: HBO's "A Little Curious".

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I'm finally home ... and my wife has planned a day trip! This is like if I celebrated our son's birth by putting a watermelon in her uterus.
States I've been in this week: NJ, NY, CA, iL, IN, OH, PA, VT, NH, MA, ME, and CT. My comedy is officially being tracked by the CDC.
Drank a "Rockstar Energy Shot". They're lying. Even Amy Winehouse wouldn't put this stuff in her body. It's like NyQuil mixed with sadness.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I switched seats so a couple could sit together. I'm hoping this flight leads to a divorce. I'm not a hateful person - just a fan of irony.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Leaving LA now. I was worried that I had been turned into a LA-dbag but both my pyschic AND the guy at the fedora store told me I was okay.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Hypothetical queztion: if you were investing in an unaurhorized Barney-themed porno would you call it "Purple Rain" or "Deep Purple"?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

New game: Obama's action vs. Fox News's headline. Me first! Obama cures cancer! "How Obama's war on doctors affects YOUR gun ownership."
Michael Vick "has butterflies" about his first game. Could Vick already be planning an underground butterfly-fighting ring?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Schuylkill Expressway is like herpes on an ex: every time I start missing Philly it's there to remind me, "Oh, right - diseased vagina."
Watching Larry King run a debate on healthcare. So far no one's said the obvious: 87% of our healthcare money goes to keeping King alive.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Great show at Rockford College tonight, but I'm missing my son. Emotional breakdown to the tune of "Cat's in the Cradle" in 3...2...1...
At the airport, sad to be leaving my son for another tour. I'd be clever here, but the TSA confiscated my sense of humor and will to live.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Staying in a hotel that feels it necessary to post their policy regarding cleanup fees of vomit and urine. Yep, comedy is working out fine!
Inspired by Radio Shack changing its name to "The Shack", I've decided to start calling herpes "The Pees". Doesn't that sound more fun?
Important life tip: if someone has a purposefully asymmetrical 9 inch goatee, there's a good chance he probably isn't a surgeon.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Here's an Entourage spoiler: next week it will be revealed that E's girlfriend started normal size but was shrunk in a WonkaVision accident.
Has there ever been a bigger "f-u" to the conventional thinking on skin cancer than William Devane's tan in "Space Cowboys"?
Whenever my wife and I have a screaming match, I just tell my son, "Mommy and Daddy aren't fighting, we're just having a town hall meeting."

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Important question: if Jon and Kate get divorced, who gets custody of Jon's hair implants?
Watching "Rudy". If you don't cry at the end of this movie, give yourself the Voight-Kampff test because you're probably a replicant.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Performing at Penn State for teens at a "formal optional" event. Girls look like princesses; boys like particularly unsuccesful hobos.
Levels of traffic: 1. Annoyed 2. Angry 3. Irate 4. Hate-filled 5. Actively rooting for the swine flu.
Michael Vick talk got me bumped from my two radio spots this morning! This is easily the worst thing he's ever done.
To all Eagles fans upset about Vick, don't be naive! Vick's not the first! Chuck Bednarik once forced a polar bear to knife-fight a rhino.
I'm writing an alternate history book about a world where I didn't write the book. Ready to have your mind blown: it's just like our world!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

My son is running around the house pantless right now. I was the same way when I was his age! Also in my twenties. And yesterday.
Let's try that again: just saw an ad for a zebra-print snuggie. I guess sometimes you want to signal your douchebaggery in capital letters.
Just saw an ad for a zebra snuggie. I guess sometimes you want

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

There's a new kids show called "Dinosaur Train". Did they just combine random words that kids like? Here's my idea: "Ice Cream Bubble Fart".
If I ever become a billionaire, I'll use the money to digitally insert Heath Ledger's Joker character into 10 Things I Hate About You.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Prick test over. Wasn't bad - only thing was the doc gave the test to me on a pinball machine while his allergist friends cheered him on.
Now at the allergist. I am about to be given what I'm told is the "prick test". I think the real test is whether I can keep from giggling.
I accidentally went to the wrong office for my neurological exam. The obvious joke here is...uh...sorry, I lost my train of thought.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Here's me as Jay Leno: Congress extended "Cash for Clunkers". In related news, Bill Clinton extended his "Cash for Junk-in-the-Trunkers."
Just got done my back rehab (designed to strengthen my core). I've discovered that I've got the musculature of a newborn baby.
Sometimes I feel like Tyler Perry is making movies just to confuse me.
Why do summer camp designers insist on putting "slob" camps right next to "snob" camps? It's like they _want_ confrontation.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Watching PGA golf while folding laundry. Yep, I'm living the dream! By the way, that sound you hear is my soul weeping.
There's a softcore porno on The Movie Channel right now. I'm gonna be honest, the acting is a little stiff. Hiyoooooooo!

Friday, August 07, 2009

Going onstage at Uncle Vinnies in 40 minutes! Also, I'm wearing a purple shirt. Tickets still available tomorrow
Please excuse the uncharacteristic sentimentalism, but I thought this story about John Hughes was the bee's knees:

Thursday, August 06, 2009

At Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant Friday and Saturday. Imagine seeing my girlish figure in person!
Well, the great twitter blackout of '09 is over. Do you think there'll be a spike in nerd births 9 months from now?

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

If you're at all interested in trying to get ahead in the entertainment business, I suggest checking this out:

Monday, August 03, 2009

My son is watching Super Whyy. He claps when they sing the Alphabet. The only time I get that excited for letters is when I three X's.
I watched the movie "The Four Seasons" this morning. The only time there is more self-absorption in one place is when I dine by myself.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Played the new Wii Sports for 4 hours today. I'm a 33 year old man. I'm on the fence about whether or not to be happy or sad about this.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Celebrating five wonderful years with my lovely wife! (That should melt the cold computer hearts of the porn bots following me on Twitter.)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"Bring it On" should have been titled "Bare Midriff: The Movie."
Watching "Bring it On" right now: I would have directed the Kristin Dunst/Eliza Dushku sleepover scene much, MUCH differently.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Thanks for all the birthday wishes! For maybe the first time ever, I have a positive self image. Seriously, I feel like a Jonas brother!
I'm at the Comedy Cabaret in Marlton this Fri and Sat. Call 856-866-JOKE for reservations! You know I'll be extra funny because I'm 33 now.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Here's my latest column "Are there more TV channels than TV talent?"

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

My son just had some epic vomiting. A few of the items I found in it: a license plate, a human foot, the galleys of Dan Brown's new novel.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Performing at Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant all weekend! Come to the show! There's a chance I'll go shirtless!

Monday, July 06, 2009

Little People are asking that the world "midget" be banned from TV. I understand where they're coming from, but censorship is small-minded.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Watching HBO's "Hung" with my wife. The similarities between me and the main character are startling. Except for the big penis thing.
Check out my latest TV Squad column. It has a wicked sweet Contra reference in it:

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I'm at the Comedy Stop at the Trop in AC all week. for tickets. You'll laugh till your gonads explode!

Monday, June 29, 2009

I dressed my son in some old school Star Wars stuff this morning. Does contributing to future nerdiness count as child abuse? I hope not.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Just saw Transformers 2. Man, the action sequences were so easy to follow! On an unrelated note: I've just started snorting crystal meth.
Everything on TV gets beamed into space. What if this is all aliens have to understand us?
Joe Jurevicius is suing the Browns for "misrepresenting their sanitary conditions". Charlie Sheen, I'm sure, is watching this case closely.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Prepare to be jealous of my career: I just did a radio show called "Billy Elvis and the Jack Hammer". Who's a big star? I am!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rocky 6 is on FX. I wonder how many cases of salmonella poisoning from raw egg consumption Sylvester Stallone is responsible for.
On my way to Fort Wayne for three days at Snickerz. Come to the show but don't tell anybody you're coming; claim to be hiking instead!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Best new euphemism for an extramarital affair: I took an unscehduled trip to Argentina.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My latest column for CliqueClack (what if there were no 24 hour news networks):

Monday, June 22, 2009

I hate it when The Onion cuts too close to the bone:
Spending a few days in Wildwood, NJ: white-trash t-shirt capital of the free world. Who says America can't be #1 at anything anymore!?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

More disappointed person: wife on birthday BJ day or ESPN executive when one of Rick Reilly's contracted TV appearances comes up?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Here's my latest column on the Artie Lange/Joe Buck showdown:

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Just saw an ad for "G Force." Here's my no-fail movie pitch: "Some animals do some stuff or whatever." There, just sold a movie.
If I was the dude who died in "PS I Love You", I'd sign every letter with "PS Don't bang anyone. Seriously."
Off to work out. Of course, the problem with a stationary bike is that no matter how fast you peddle, the self loathing is still there.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Joke I made tonight that my wife didn't laugh at: "I'm not seeing the 'Taking of Pelham 123' because I didn't see the first 122."
Now that so many people have HDTVs, I think it's in the NBA's best interest to install giant sweat-evaporating fans in every arena.
Why hasn't an NBA team issued Karate Kid 2-style little tom toms as a free-throw-shooter-distractor? I think I would root for that team.
Just found this on digg... every geek like me has had this speech laid on him at least once.
The worst thing about having a kid is that these stupid "heartwarming" halfitme stories about kids mist me up now. What's happened to me!?
My marriage: year 1 I'm charming; 2, "interesting"; 3, slightly annoying; 4, annoying; 5, I'm pretty sure my wife wants to throw acid on me.
Top 3 bikini moments of the 80s: Heather Thomas "The Fall Guy"; Geena Davis "Earth Girls are Easy"; Catherine Bach "Dukes of Hazzard".
Have you ever been so angry you screwed up your curse? Just dropped my ipod and screamed "Motherkucking fitballs!" Very embarrassing.
Most successful prop bet of 1991: that out of the cast of "The Doors", Kevin Dillon would wind up the most successful in 2009.
Do you think that when Native Americans trip on peyote they get spiritual advice from white businessmen?
Watching Oliver Stone's "The Doors". It's like someone walked by a freshman philosophy major and said, yeah, let's make THAT into a movie.

Monday, June 08, 2009

All right, seeing that video has shown me that I need to ride the exercise bike for approximately 900 million hours. I better get started..
My goofy awkwardness is apparently far more powerful than the meager makeup used by the CBC. I should have requested a mask.
If you've got low self-esteem to begin with, do NOT watch yourself performing standup in HD. I've just acquire 216 new insecurities.
Safari 4 most frequent sites homepage option: America comes face to face with its porn addiction.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

More successful sportscaster that no one on the planet seems to like: Stu Scott or Joe Buck? As annoying as the other side of the pillow!
Is it just me or does the GM "Reinvention" ad sound a lot like a bad husband trying to talk his way back into the house? Baby, I can change!
Kinison just came out. I think I'm actually getting a contact high. You can hear the humming of his coke buzz.
Watching Dangerfield's "It's Not Easy Bein' Me" on HBO. Why did audiences in the 80s look so awful? So, so many unironic mustaches.
Just heard Billy Idol's "Rock the Cradle of Love" - remember the bra girl from that video? Pretty sure she jump-started puberty for me.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Say what you want about the LA fanbase, it has the highest percentage of d-bags wearing porkpie hats in the entire NBA.
I see Stan Van Gundy is wearing a shirt from the new line of Phil Mickelson Man Boob Apparel.
I have the distinct feeling that ABC's "The Superstars" will be discussed at length in a 23rd century book about the fall of America.
Is it just me or does Magic Johnson always sound like he's an alien who just used his alien powers to learn English?
It's such a special moment the first time your wife sees Stan Van Gundy on TV and tries to figure out what, exactly, he's supposed to be.
Something to ponder ladies: whatever part of your body you like the least - fat butt, etc. - there is probably a fetish site devoted to it.
Which is the dirtier non-dirty phrase? "I just googled myself" or "I just binged myself"? I say binged, which is one thing MS has over G.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Just got done doing #1 while the guy in the stall had trouble with #2. It was unsettling. We should have separate poop rooms. It's time!
Funnier John C. Reilly NASCAR movie: Days of Thunder or Talledega Nights? Certainly the acting is more over-the-top in DoT...
Important question: why not just scrap the giant robot nonsense and just have Megan Fox walk around in cutoffs for two hours?
Is the "Loud'N'Clear" bluetooth hearing-aide commercial the new "I've fallen and I can't get up?" I certainly hope so.

Monday, May 18, 2009

I'm considering a descent into madness. I'll stop worrying all the time and I imagine I'll enjoy Sgt. Pepper's even more than I do now.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Ok. Pizza and basketball. Time for an afternoon of pretending to be a real man. Maybe I'll grow a beard and then restore a classic car afterward!
Is there any worse feeling in this world than when the overweight woman in line in front of you at Walmart takes out coupons?

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Sitting in the lingerie section of Macys waiting for my wife and trying to avoid looking perverted. Hard to do when you ARE perverted.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Got a new haircut because Comedy Central wants me to "look less monstrous". I should be ok for the audition so long as it's not lit.
Adding sites to Ping.Fm. I feel so bad that I ignored myspace and livejournal. I'm a really bad social media parent.
I've just installed Ping.Fm. With any luck, every single one of my networks should update right now. Lazy + Technology = Happiness.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

In which our hero makes some friends in Canada

So, I'm in Nova Scotia, performing in the Halifax comedy festival. I arrived last night and watched the opening night gala (my first show isn't until today). Afterward, I went to the after-party with the other performers and talked shop. Here are some observations I have about the night:

1. No matter what I've done in my life, I'm still five years old when it comes to meeting new people. Walking into the greenroom felt like the first day of kindergarten. Oh, it worked out a lot better than grammar school did (no puking), but it galls me that at 32, I still get butterflies about meeting new people. I hope that my son is better than I am about social anxiety.

2. Canadians are as friendly as advertised, even the comedians. This is disconcerting. My experience has taught me that other comics should either be a) horrible or b) fake-nice. "Real niceness" is going to take some getting used to.

3. I shouldn't drink. Seriously, I had two white wines and a three vodka cranberries at the after party and I woke up this morning feeling like Nicholas Cage in the third act of "Leaving Las Vegas." (By the way, there's nothing more embarrassing than not drinking beer in front of Canadians. Everyone kept asking me if I wanted one, and every time I would launch into a long, annoying explanation of how I never developed a taste for it, even though I tried. I think someone ought to sell wine coolers in beer bottles so people like me don't feel bad all the time).

My first show is tonight. I hope it goes well. I woke up this morning with a deep fear that the people of Canada won't get my Skittles reference. It occurs to me that I might be the only person on the planet who woke up today with that particular fear.

(By the way, the reason why this post exists is because I don't have any screenplay work pressing right now. Everything is out and free in the wilds of Hollywood and while I wait for feedback, I find my typing fingers twitchy. To the small group of people that occasionally check this page, please accept my apologies for its infrequent updates. I've discovered this about myself: I've only got so much creative in me on a daily basis. Two hours on a screenplay, and I've got nothing for the blog. So, I'll try to update it during this brief window and hope that one day I'll actually be able to do two creative things at once.)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Mother Nature is a manipulative bitch

I just ate a pear. It was so cold and delicious. As William Carlos Williams might say, it was ass-shatteringly good.

Like usual, however, there's no good that I can't find the bad in. See, the pear doesn't taste good because the universe is kind and wants me to experience pleasure unfettered, it's because the pear wants to reproduce and the best way to do that is to make itself tasty to higher lifeforms like myself.

I'm a step in the reproductive process of a pear. I'm a cog. I might as well be a giant wrinkly gonad hanging down from a metaphorical pear crotch.

But it's not just pears manipulating me, it's all of nature. Just about every single thing that feels or tastes or smells good is a subtle push in the direction nature wants me to go in.

Chocolate tastes good because we need fat and sugar in our diet. Because we evolved in a place where fat and sugar were relatively hard to come by, we're programmed to seek it out. The more rare something is, see, the more pleasure it has to provide so we have the motivation to look for it.

Modern milk chocolate is essentially 50% sugar and 50% fat; eating it is like slathering your brain with orgasm juice. It lights up like a Christmas tree.

It feels sublime, but it's not. It's just molecules bouncing off of each other in the right order to provide us pleasure. And that pleasure is a reward for getting some stuff our body needs.

We're just dogs salivating when the bell rings.

I tell you all this not to depress you but to raise the question as to whether it's possible that there is any free will at all. I mean, from a certain point of view, pears are the kings of society, employing a complex system of human slaves to keep them well tended in lavish pear plantations. It's actually possible to view the world this way, if you stare at it long enough, like a sailboat popping out of one of those Magic Eye 3-D posters.

I think about all the time and effort I put into things and especially all the worry, the constant crushing worry, and it occurs to me that the curse of consciousness is that it provides the illusion of free will.

Think about it, there must have been a first time for consciousness. I mean, there must have been a single ape somewhere out in the plains of Africa who was the first one to make the leap from animal to something more than animal. Picture him (or her) out there, using a stick to grab ants out of a hill just like he was programmed to, just like he always does, but then a bolt of synaptic lightening flashes and suddenly he's thinking ABOUT what he's doing.

And when he does? What does he do?

He says: "This must MEAN something."

But of course it means just what it meant the second before he started thinking about it. All it means is that his body needs protein and little stupid ants crawling up a stick are a convenient way for him to get it.

That is all it means.

Again, I'm not necessarily upset about this, I'm just wondering if, perhaps, I should just give in to the physical world without worrying about the metaphysical. That maybe I should stop pretending that Mother Nature and I are equal partners in this universe.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go poop.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Moving is hard

It's been a while, I know. But, believe me, it's not because my brain isn't working. It's because the state of New Jersey makes you do a bunch of stuff in order to buy a house.

I imagine if I bought one two years ago, at the height of the Tulip-economy that was the mortgage industry then, I would have only had to prove that I had fingerprints before they poured a barrel full of money on the table. Now, though? More paperwork than my comedian (read: dinosaur) brain can comprehend.

So, hold tight, fair readers. More writing is on the way.

(Two notes:

Megan, I took your advice about updating my website... and accidentally destroyed the whole thing! The good people at iPower are in the process of trying to repair the damage. As always, I am an idiot.

Carol, here's what you said about my post regarding Ann "C"oulter:

"Maybe you're trying to be funny by throwing about objectionable language - goodness knows a lot of comics eventually take that low road - but why not respond in an intelligent way to the clip you linked there? Is juvenile name calling that much more fun?"

Just a point of order: I never actually, you know, used the word. Is it really taking a low road if you don't actually take the road, but instead map out the directions for others to take the low road themselves?

And yes, juvenile name calling is always fun.)

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Hey TV Squad!

My regular website -- -- is wheezing with malware (again), so I'm redirecting y'all here to my super-blog! *(super being a word that means "largely unread" in New Jersey).

If you're looking to catch a live show, here's a copy of my current calendar:

My latest TV 101...

Another every other Wednesday, another TV 101.

For the first time ever, one of my TV Squad articles got a little traction on It probably doesn't have enough critical mass to get to the front page, but it was a pretty good run there in the late afternoon.

I guess the formula is: internet celebrity + compliments = diggs.

I wish I had known this earlier. My next TV 101 is going to be called "Why Kevin Rose is super handsome."

Hope you enjoy it!

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

An appeal to women...

I know that you all pretty much universally hate the "c-word." I know that merely uttering it within a thousand yards of a self-respecting female is a one-way ticket to having your balls bashed in.

I can't say I understand it -- it is, after all, just a word -- but I've come to accept that it's best just to clear that word out of my mind. I Winston Smith it right down the memory hole and pretend that I never learned it. It's really the only way you can survive a marriage.

All that being said, can't we all come together and agree that it's okay to use the "c-word" when talking about Ann Coulter? It's the only word in the English language that properly describes her.


And, we're back...

Hope you had a great holiday season, filled with love and ham!

Like always, I spent my time during break thinking of ways to improve the world. Here's my latest idea: let's create an online service that matches frigid women with necrophiliacs.

I feel bad for necrophiliacs the same way I feel bad for all people with really weird fetishes. The closest thing I have to a fetish is wanting to play with my wife's boobs and even that requires skill and planning to pull off. I can't imagine how tough it would be to have something more severe.

Think about how terrible a necrophiliac's life must be. All that grave-digging! The constant fear of being caught! The exorbitant Lysol bills!

So why not hook them up with frigid women? There's a whole group of girls that are roundly criticized by their husbands for just "lying there like they were dead." Instead of trying to change for men who dislike that sort of thing, let's get them together with the guys who'd go nuts for it!

I think this is a slam dunk.