Important life tip: if someone has a purposefully asymmetrical 9 inch goatee, there's a good chance he probably isn't a surgeon.

Here's an Entourage spoiler: next week it will be revealed that E's girlfriend started normal size but was shrunk in a WonkaVision accident.

Has there ever been a bigger "f-u" to the conventional thinking on skin cancer than William Devane's tan in "Space Cowboys"?

Whenever my wife and I have a screaming match, I just tell my son, "Mommy and Daddy aren't fighting, we're just having a town hall meeting."

Important question: if Jon and Kate get divorced, who gets custody of Jon's hair implants?

Watching "Rudy". If you don't cry at the end of this movie, give yourself the Voight-Kampff test because you're probably a replicant.

Performing at Penn State for teens at a "formal optional" event. Girls look like princesses; boys like particularly unsuccesful hobos.

Levels of traffic: 1. Annoyed 2. Angry 3. Irate 4. Hate-filled 5. Actively rooting for the swine flu.

Michael Vick talk got me bumped from my two radio spots this morning! This is easily the worst thing he's ever done.

To all Eagles fans upset about Vick, don't be naive! Vick's not the first! Chuck Bednarik once forced a polar bear to knife-fight a rhino.

I'm writing an alternate history book about a world where I didn't write the book. Ready to have your mind blown: it's just like our world!

My son is running around the house pantless right now. I was the same way when I was his age! Also in my twenties. And yesterday.

Let's try that again: just saw an ad for a zebra-print snuggie. I guess sometimes you want to signal your douchebaggery in capital letters.

Just saw an ad for a zebra snuggie. I guess sometimes you want

There's a new kids show called "Dinosaur Train". Did they just combine random words that kids like? Here's my idea: "Ice Cream Bubble Fart".

If I ever become a billionaire, I'll use the money to digitally insert Heath Ledger's Joker character into 10 Things I Hate About You.

Prick test over. Wasn't bad - only thing was the doc gave the test to me on a pinball machine while his allergist friends cheered him on.

Now at the allergist. I am about to be given what I'm told is the "prick test". I think the real test is whether I can keep from giggling.

I accidentally went to the wrong office for my neurological exam. The obvious joke here is...uh...sorry, I lost my train of thought.

Here's me as Jay Leno: Congress extended "Cash for Clunkers". In related news, Bill Clinton extended his "Cash for Junk-in-the-Trunkers."

Just got done my back rehab (designed to strengthen my core). I've discovered that I've got the musculature of a newborn baby.

Sometimes I feel like Tyler Perry is making movies just to confuse me.

Why do summer camp designers insist on putting "slob" camps right next to "snob" camps? It's like they _want_ confrontation.

Watching PGA golf while folding laundry. Yep, I'm living the dream! By the way, that sound you hear is my soul weeping.

There's a softcore porno on The Movie Channel right now. I'm gonna be honest, the acting is a little stiff. Hiyoooooooo!

Going onstage at Uncle Vinnies in 40 minutes! Also, I'm wearing a purple shirt. Tickets still available tomorrow http://ping.fm/nZy0g

Please excuse the uncharacteristic sentimentalism, but I thought this story about John Hughes was the bee's knees: http://ping.fm/OyIdF

At Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant Friday and Saturday. Imagine seeing my girlish figure in person! http://ping.fm/ZWAG7

Well, the great twitter blackout of '09 is over. Do you think there'll be a spike in nerd births 9 months from now?

If you're at all interested in trying to get ahead in the entertainment business, I suggest checking this out: http://ping.fm/RIrqY

My son is watching Super Whyy. He claps when they sing the Alphabet. The only time I get that excited for letters is when I three X's.

I watched the movie "The Four Seasons" this morning. The only time there is more self-absorption in one place is when I dine by myself.

Played the new Wii Sports for 4 hours today. I'm a 33 year old man. I'm on the fence about whether or not to be happy or sad about this.

Celebrating five wonderful years with my lovely wife! (That should melt the cold computer hearts of the porn bots following me on Twitter.)

"Bring it On" should have been titled "Bare Midriff: The Movie."

Watching "Bring it On" right now: I would have directed the Kristin Dunst/Eliza Dushku sleepover scene much, MUCH differently.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes! For maybe the first time ever, I have a positive self image. Seriously, I feel like a Jonas brother!

I'm at the Comedy Cabaret in Marlton this Fri and Sat. Call 856-866-JOKE for reservations! You know I'll be extra funny because I'm 33 now.

Here's my latest column "Are there more TV channels than TV talent?" http://ping.fm/Vs8tl

My son just had some epic vomiting. A few of the items I found in it: a license plate, a human foot, the galleys of Dan Brown's new novel.

Performing at Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant all weekend! Come to the show! There's a chance I'll go shirtless! http://ping.fm/ZDEaM

Little People are asking that the world "midget" be banned from TV. I understand where they're coming from, but censorship is small-minded.

Watching HBO's "Hung" with my wife. The similarities between me and the main character are startling. Except for the big penis thing.

Check out my latest TV Squad column. It has a wicked sweet Contra reference in it: http://ping.fm/HJK2E

I'm at the Comedy Stop at the Trop in AC all week. http://ping.fm/QGBUM for tickets. You'll laugh till your gonads explode!

I dressed my son in some old school Star Wars stuff this morning. Does contributing to future nerdiness count as child abuse? I hope not.

Just saw Transformers 2. Man, the action sequences were so easy to follow! On an unrelated note: I've just started snorting crystal meth.

Everything on TV gets beamed into space. What if this http://ping.fm/ueTUi is all aliens have to understand us?

Joe Jurevicius is suing the Browns for "misrepresenting their sanitary conditions". Charlie Sheen, I'm sure, is watching this case closely.

Prepare to be jealous of my career: I just did a radio show called "Billy Elvis and the Jack Hammer". Who's a big star? I am!

Rocky 6 is on FX. I wonder how many cases of salmonella poisoning from raw egg consumption Sylvester Stallone is responsible for.

On my way to Fort Wayne for three days at Snickerz. Come to the show but don't tell anybody you're coming; claim to be hiking instead!

Best new euphemism for an extramarital affair: I took an unscehduled trip to Argentina.

My latest column for CliqueClack (what if there were no 24 hour news networks): http://ping.fm/cmi1v

I hate it when The Onion cuts too close to the bone: http://ping.fm/9UGUd

Spending a few days in Wildwood, NJ: white-trash t-shirt capital of the free world. Who says America can't be #1 at anything anymore!?

More disappointed person: wife on birthday BJ day or ESPN executive when one of Rick Reilly's contracted TV appearances comes up?

Here's my latest column on the Artie Lange/Joe Buck showdown: http://ping.fm/GZAEf

Just saw an ad for "G Force." Here's my no-fail movie pitch: "Some animals do some stuff or whatever." There, just sold a movie.

If I was the dude who died in "PS I Love You", I'd sign every letter with "PS Don't bang anyone. Seriously."

Off to work out. Of course, the problem with a stationary bike is that no matter how fast you peddle, the self loathing is still there.

Joke I made tonight that my wife didn't laugh at: "I'm not seeing the 'Taking of Pelham 123' because I didn't see the first 122."

Now that so many people have HDTVs, I think it's in the NBA's best interest to install giant sweat-evaporating fans in every arena.

Why hasn't an NBA team issued Karate Kid 2-style little tom toms as a free-throw-shooter-distractor? I think I would root for that team.

Just found this on digg... every geek like me has had this speech laid on him at least once.
http://ping.fm/w5zdK

The worst thing about having a kid is that these stupid "heartwarming" halfitme stories about kids mist me up now. What's happened to me!?

My marriage: year 1 I'm charming; 2, "interesting"; 3, slightly annoying; 4, annoying; 5, I'm pretty sure my wife wants to throw acid on me.

Top 3 bikini moments of the 80s: Heather Thomas "The Fall Guy"; Geena Davis "Earth Girls are Easy"; Catherine Bach "Dukes of Hazzard".

Have you ever been so angry you screwed up your curse? Just dropped my ipod and screamed "Motherkucking fitballs!" Very embarrassing.

Most successful prop bet of 1991: that out of the cast of "The Doors", Kevin Dillon would wind up the most successful in 2009.

Do you think that when Native Americans trip on peyote they get spiritual advice from white businessmen?

Watching Oliver Stone's "The Doors". It's like someone walked by a freshman philosophy major and said, yeah, let's make THAT into a movie.

All right, seeing that video has shown me that I need to ride the exercise bike for approximately 900 million hours. I better get started..

My goofy awkwardness is apparently far more powerful than the meager makeup used by the CBC. I should have requested a mask.

If you've got low self-esteem to begin with, do NOT watch yourself performing standup in HD. I've just acquire 216 new insecurities.

Safari 4 most frequent sites homepage option: America comes face to face with its porn addiction.

More successful sportscaster that no one on the planet seems to like: Stu Scott or Joe Buck? As annoying as the other side of the pillow!

Is it just me or does the GM "Reinvention" ad sound a lot like a bad husband trying to talk his way back into the house? Baby, I can change!

Kinison just came out. I think I'm actually getting a contact high. You can hear the humming of his coke buzz.

Watching Dangerfield's "It's Not Easy Bein' Me" on HBO. Why did audiences in the 80s look so awful? So, so many unironic mustaches.

Just heard Billy Idol's "Rock the Cradle of Love" - remember the bra girl from that video? Pretty sure she jump-started puberty for me.

Say what you want about the LA fanbase, it has the highest percentage of d-bags wearing porkpie hats in the entire NBA.

I see Stan Van Gundy is wearing a shirt from the new line of Phil Mickelson Man Boob Apparel.

I have the distinct feeling that ABC's "The Superstars" will be discussed at length in a 23rd century book about the fall of America.

Is it just me or does Magic Johnson always sound like he's an alien who just used his alien powers to learn English?

It's such a special moment the first time your wife sees Stan Van Gundy on TV and tries to figure out what, exactly, he's supposed to be.

Something to ponder ladies: whatever part of your body you like the least - fat butt, etc. - there is probably a fetish site devoted to it.

Which is the dirtier non-dirty phrase? "I just googled myself" or "I just binged myself"? I say binged, which is one thing MS has over G.

Just got done doing #1 while the guy in the stall had trouble with #2. It was unsettling. We should have separate poop rooms. It's time!

Funnier John C. Reilly NASCAR movie: Days of Thunder or Talledega Nights? Certainly the acting is more over-the-top in DoT...

Important question: why not just scrap the giant robot nonsense and just have Megan Fox walk around in cutoffs for two hours?

Is the "Loud'N'Clear" bluetooth hearing-aide commercial the new "I've fallen and I can't get up?" I certainly hope so.

I'm considering a descent into madness. I'll stop worrying all the time and I imagine I'll enjoy Sgt. Pepper's even more than I do now.

Ok. Pizza and basketball. Time for an afternoon of pretending to be a real man. Maybe I'll grow a beard and then restore a classic car afterward!

Is there any worse feeling in this world than when the overweight woman in line in front of you at Walmart takes out coupons?

Sitting in the lingerie section of Macys waiting for my wife and trying to avoid looking perverted. Hard to do when you ARE perverted.

Got a new haircut because Comedy Central wants me to "look less monstrous". I should be ok for the audition so long as it's not lit.

Adding sites to Ping.Fm. I feel so bad that I ignored myspace and livejournal. I'm a really bad social media parent.

I've just installed Ping.Fm. With any luck, every single one of my networks should update right now. Lazy + Technology = Happiness.

In which our hero makes some friends in Canada

So, I'm in Nova Scotia, performing in the Halifax comedy festival. I arrived last night and watched the opening night gala (my first show isn't until today). Afterward, I went to the after-party with the other performers and talked shop. Here are some observations I have about the night:

1. No matter what I've done in my life, I'm still five years old when it comes to meeting new people. Walking into the greenroom felt like the first day of kindergarten. Oh, it worked out a lot better than grammar school did (no puking), but it galls me that at 32, I still get butterflies about meeting new people. I hope that my son is better than I am about social anxiety.

2. Canadians are as friendly as advertised, even the comedians. This is disconcerting. My experience has taught me that other comics should either be a) horrible or b) fake-nice. "Real niceness" is going to take some getting used to.

3. I shouldn't drink. Seriously, I had two white wines and a three vodka cranberries at the after party and I woke up this morning feeling like Nicholas Cage in the third act of "Leaving Las Vegas." (By the way, there's nothing more embarrassing than not drinking beer in front of Canadians. Everyone kept asking me if I wanted one, and every time I would launch into a long, annoying explanation of how I never developed a taste for it, even though I tried. I think someone ought to sell wine coolers in beer bottles so people like me don't feel bad all the time).

My first show is tonight. I hope it goes well. I woke up this morning with a deep fear that the people of Canada won't get my Skittles reference. It occurs to me that I might be the only person on the planet who woke up today with that particular fear.

(By the way, the reason why this post exists is because I don't have any screenplay work pressing right now. Everything is out and free in the wilds of Hollywood and while I wait for feedback, I find my typing fingers twitchy. To the small group of people that occasionally check this page, please accept my apologies for its infrequent updates. I've discovered this about myself: I've only got so much creative in me on a daily basis. Two hours on a screenplay, and I've got nothing for the blog. So, I'll try to update it during this brief window and hope that one day I'll actually be able to do two creative things at once.)