If MN is the Pippin of "making you want to kill yourself for lack of anything to see while driving at night", then IA is the Jordan.

New Jaymate alert: I'll be making another appearance on WIP tomorrow at 5:25 AM. If you're up that early ... reconsider your life choices.

Iowa realtor Susan Hawkins is so good she doesn't need a "real" billboard; she can print _her_ ad on white flimsy plastic tied to a stick!

Judging from my stay at the Super 8, "super" must be Iowa slang for "dead ladybugs and broken dreams."

Attention Jaymates: I'll be on 610 WIP at 8:45 this morning. If you're in Philly and own a fancy AM radio, check it out!

I'm at a Super 8 between a dog food factory and a rendering plant. If you had the over on "minutes Jay weeps in Iowa", you're making money!

I will never know the pain of childbirth, but my wife will never know the pain of a noon show in a cafeteria in Iowa. I think it's a wash.

My wife and I have been together 9 years today. She just emailed me "Happy 8 years". Honest mistake? Or was she unhappy 1/9th of the time?

If MInnesota was cool, they'd change the names of Minneapolis and St. Paul to "Tomax" and "Xamot".

Driving all night. Question: am I big enough back home that if I crash I get a story + an obit or just an obit? I'm thinking obit only.

Another lonely night driving by myself. Makes me wish I had multiple personalities. Bonus: masturbating would be like an orgy!

I'm slipping into depression. FYI: While depressed, I shall communicate only through goth poetry. "Vampire darkness/Hot Topic pants."

If aliens come to earth and demand to see proof of our worthiness as a species, I suggest we DO NOT show them AT&T's cell network.

Curious as to what pitching a movie is like? Start approaching random women and asking them "Hey, how 'bout a BJ" until one says yes.

If casinos have to put gambling addiction hotline numbers on their ads, shouldn't strippers have to use their tramp stamp space for VD info?

There's a huge sign in LAX that says "Going Down? Use the handrail". Why hasn't an enterprising college kid stolen this for over his bed?

E.T. had an easier time phoning home than I have reaching my wife. Thinking about getting a Speak'nSpell and trying that way.

If someone is coughing on a plane during flu season, everyone on that plane should be allowed punch him on the way out.

Jay Leno joke from 2031: The guy who invented Viagra died yesterday. As a show of respect, the flag will be kept at full mast for 4 hours.

Do ghost kids stay at the mental level they were when they died? Because it'd be hard to be scared of someone who falls for "got your nose".

Dear bald, coughing armrest hog from my flight this morning: there is literally nothing in this world I hate as much as you. That is all.

Judging from the Dino De Laurentiis "Flash Gordon", the Italian for "campy fun" and "shit-filled carbuncle" is confusingly similar.

Just saw a billboard advertising "mature fantasy". I can only assume they mean refinancing a mortgage at under 5% and a solid BM.

Watching Michael Jackson videos on MTV. The venn diagram overlap of "good dancer" and "believable gang member" is a slim sliver indeed.

The UFL is like trying to seduce a girl by saying "Hey, I'm not as good looking as other guys, but on the other hand, I'm bad in bed."

New word for the private area of a woman who is cold in bed: brrrrrr-gina.

You know, if I knew a diamond ring was coming next, I'd be secretly hoping that that mocking bird don't sing.

Amish people have such a strong community: just saw a group of them surround an ED sufferer and perform a weiner raising.

Fact: if Walt Whitman were alive today, most of his poetry would be about how much Philly's airport sucks.

Some see the glass half empty; others half full. I'm suspicious the liquid in the glass might be poison.

I'm pretty sure at this point you could replace me with Dick Sargent.

If I had spent all the hours I've spent in doctor's waiting rooms studying, I could've gotten a medical degree and diagnosed myself.

The irony of the doctor's waiting room is that the longer I'm there, the more I actively wish for my own death.

My wife woke me out of happy-sleep for a little "hot and heavy"! (HnH is our phrase for "looking for clothes as loudly as possible").

Watching a Halloween parade with the family. I love parades! They combine my two favorite things: boredom and carbon monoxide poisoning.

Biggest fear: nuclear war. Second biggest fear: getting invited over Nancy Grace's house and spilling wine on something.

Keane's first haircut. If cute were fat and awesome was presidential timber, than this pic is William Howard Taft.

New game: worst possible wedding song? Me first! "Brick" by Ben Folds Five.

Saw a girl smoking and talking on a cell phone while waiting to get a tan. I imagine Three Mile Island was booked and she had to make do.

New game! Pop culture item most likely to have a chapter about it in a book about the fall of the American empire. Me first: "Made of Honor"

Hot girl Halloween idea: put on a skimpy jersey and a pair of cat ears and go as The Wildcat Offense. Also: trick or treat at my house.

At the vet. There's a poster explaining that a symptom of Lyme disease is "recurring lameness". So that explains it: I have Lyme disease.

Hey JayMates: I'm at the Comedy Stop at the Trop in AC all week! Come! There's a mirror in the greenroom so I MIGHT start each show weeping!

Saw a Native American hitchhiker today. Normally I ignore hitchhikers, but in honor of Columbus day, I ran him over and stole all his stuff.

Try to celebrate tomorrow the way Columbus himself would've wanted you to: discover something, then plunder the living shit out of it.

Lady GaGa is inexplicably attractive. It's like she's a soup made only of unpalatable ingredients that somehow manages to taste good.

If someone went into a coma 3 years ago and woke up during the MNF game, I bet it'd be easy to convince him he was in a mirror universe.

New game! Funniest adverb to describe the word "masturbating". Me first: Furiously.

If there was an unintentionally gay Smithsonian, Apollo's half shirt and short shorts from Rocky III would be its Spirit of St. Louis.

[((John+Kate+8)-(Kate+8))*(Ed Hardy t-shirts)*(Hair Implants)*(Earrings)]/(TLC) = Extraordinary Douchebag. It's just simple math.

Our weekly Black Family Poll shows that almost 1/3rd of the family and a staggering 100% of the women think that I'm a dingleberry.

Whenver ESPN anchors talk about the WNBA, they get the same blankly annoyed look a teacher gets when it's a slow readers turn to read aloud.

Watching "Rambo": a suprisingly harrowing look at the horrors of war. Also the horrors of plastic surgery and HGH abuse.

My wife told me my hands were girly, bringing my total unattractive parts to 2157. Don't worry: I find a look of resigned obligation hot.

Early, unsuccesful business ventures from the Cash4Gold guys: Coins4Tungsten, Backrubs4Uranium, and ProstateMassage4Xenon.

Advice to Obama: keep Czars, but change their title to "Galactic Freedom Knights". Also, get them matching unitards.

I'm sorry: lip piercings just look like sparkly cold sores to me. I keep thinking "what a cute incurable disease!"

I can't confirm this, but my research leads me to believe that some of the scenes in "The Hills" are staged. "21" scandal in the making?

Tip: if you have a slow-moving, angry old man fetish, I've got four words for you: diner at 10:30 am. You're welcome!

According to Senator Coburn's chief of staff, watching straight pornography turns you gay. If that's true, then I'm really, _really_ gay.

Ron Jaworski has reached a point where he's more believable as a man in a Mrs. Doubtfire costume than a former NFL quarterback.

Watching "Back to the Future II". I'm starting to be a little doubtful of the accuracy of its predictions for 2015.

I've just been informed that Mel Torme died in 1999. I think it's obvious what killed him: the German porno industry.

Do you think Mel Torme is mad at the German porno industry for forever altering the public's perception of what "scat" is? I'm thinking yes.

Just heard the term "serial rapist" and couldn't shake the image of a weeping Count Chocula. Is it possible I'm sliding into dementia?

Pam Oliver just said that Westbrook was being treated with a "vibrating thingy" she's "never seen before". Pam, we both know that's a lie.

The only thing making me feel better about Reggie Bush scoring that TD is that Kim Kardashian probably gave him pulsing mutant super herpes.

Fact: America's longest period of prolonged prosperity coincided perfectly with MTV regularly airing all-bikini episodes of The Grind.

Philly people: I'm on WIP at 9 AM. Cleveland people: I'm on Fox at 10 AM. Rest of the country: you lucked out- no seeing me this morning.

By the way, you can judge for yourself this week in Cleveland. I'm at Hilarities all week: http://ping.fm/6HF42

A woman after the show tonight told me, "you're lucky you're funny, because you are _not_ hot!" Comedy: a nightly trip back to high school!

My son is awesome (and he certainly has more balls than his father).

If Tony Dungy was a D&D character, he'd be a half-elf Paladin.

Advice to Obama: claim insurance companies are linked to Al-Qaeda. When people object, call them anti-troops. Voilà! Health Care Reform.

Headline from tomorrow's Daily Trojan: USC True Freshman Quarterback Matt Barkley Tragically Killed in Vagina Avalanche.

Lost a little weight and boy, the girls in Vegas are noticing! Every two minutes a sexy, slightly meth-addicted lady asks to go to my room!

Here's one of the guys. If there are reports out of Vegas of extreme plumbing problems, it's probably his fault.

Two guys are attempting to eat a 6 pound burrito at the NASCAR Cafe. And you thought the class of Sinatra's Vegas was gone!

Just saw a woman trying to recapture the glamor of Vegas in the 60s by drinking a beer while visibly pregnant. Vegas baby!

Tim McGraw, I salute you sir. It takes a special kind of talent to make me long for The Black Eyed Peas.

Watching NBC pregame and lemme tell you: I can't think of a better way to get pumped for football than a Tim McGraw midtempo love ballad.

Lessons I've learned from "Taken": 1) approximately 80% of Paris is involved in the underground sex trade. 2) Do not make Liam Neeson angry.

Watching the speech: I hearby nominate the guy in the purple tie who's been blackberrying the whole time as America's douchiest congressman.

We need a Geneva convention to negotiate bigger bathing suits for European men vacationing in America.

Watching a movie on my laptop before the show. Then? Writing till my NyQuil kicks in. Vegas baby! Yeeeeeeeah!

Only 6 channels in my room and one of them is showing my son's favorite show. Wondering if there's a "will Jay cry" line at the sports book.

Irony of Vegas: I had to present ID to buy Sudafed at a pharmacy that was literally next door to a happy-ending massage parlor.

Incidentally, I'm performing all week in the Congo Room at the Sahara. Such history! I almost slipped on a Jerry Lewis hair-oil puddle.

Main advantage of the pool at the Sahara? No embarrassment at going shirtless. I barely qualify as overweight or even hairy here.

Obama should replace Van Jones with the van from the A-Team. Technically not a person, but even Glenn Beck would have to admit it's awesome.

Apparently, at age 70, the part of the brain in charge of wanting to drive RVs triples in size, killing the part that resists telemarketers.

So dissapointed. Thought I saw a super hero driving. Turns out it was just a guy who really likes neon in his car for some reason.

Indisbutable fact: any business with "quality" in its name will, in fact, be awful. I'm looking at you Quality Inn, Lebanon, PA.

To distract America from my recent misstep, I will release a sex tape. If anyone wants to make one, let me know - it'll be a quick shoot.

I've just been informed that my last game was inadvertenly stolen from MadTV. How humiliating! I am the Jayson Blair of social media.

Last game today: cast the voice actors for "Sex Toy Story". Me first! Michael Clark Duncan as "Black Hammer", the tough but kind 14" dildo.

New game: best song to accompany an STD medication commercial. Me first! Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire".

Remember this truth always: no matter what you're watching on TV, someone, somewhere is masturbating to it.

Assignment for students: consider the dangers of "indoctrination" during the pledge of allegiance; try to keep your brain from exploding.

Saw an ad for a college with a guy and girl BOTH playing instruments on the quad. "At our college you'll annoyed on the way to every class".