The Third Debate (my impression)

OBAMA
(continuing; beat)
Colonel, I have just one more question
before I call Airman O'Malley and Airman
Perez: If you gave an order that Santiago
wasn't to be touched, and your orders are
always followed, then why would he be in
danger, why would it be necessary to
transfer him off the base?

And MCCAIN has no answer.

Nothing.

He sits there, and for the first time, seems to be lost.

MCCAIN
Private Santiago was a sub-standard
marine. He was being transferred off the
base because--

OBAMA
But that's not what you said. You said he
was being transferred because he was in
grave danger.

MCCAIN
(pause)
Yes. That's correct, but--

OBAMA
You said, "He was in danger". I said,
"Grave danger". You said--

MCCAIN
Yes, I recall what--

OBAMA
I can have the Court Reporter read back
your--

MCCAIN
I know what I said. I don't need it read
back to me like I'm a damn--

OBAMA
Then why the two orders?
(beat)
Colonel?
(beat)
Why did you--

MCCAIN
Sometimes men take matters into their own
hands.

OBAMA
No sir. You made it clear just a moment
ago that your men never take matters into
their own hands. Your men follow orders
or people die. So Santiago shouldn't have
been in any dangor at all, should he have,
Colonel?

Everyone's sweating now. Everyone but OBAMA.

MCCAIN
You little bastard.

FOX NEWS
Your Honor, I have to ask for a recess to--

OBAMA
I'd like an answer to the question, Judge.

SCHIEFFER
The Court'll wait for answer.

OBAMA
If Kendrick told his men that Santiago
wasn't to be touched, then why did he have
to be transferred?

MCCAIN is looking at BOB THE PLUMBER and PALIN.

OBAMA
(continuing)
Colonel?

MCCAIN says nothing.

OBAMA
(continuing)
Kendrick ordered the code red, didn't he?
Because that's what you told Kendrick to
do.

FOX NEWS
Object!

SCHIEFFER
Counsel.

OBAMA will plow through the objections of FOX NEWS and the
admonishments of BOB SCHIEFFER.

OBAMA
And when it went bad, you cut these guys
loose.

FOX NEWS
Your Honor--

SCHIEFFER
That'll be all, counsel.

OBAMA
You had Markinson sign a phony transfer
order--

FOX NEWS
Judge--

OBAMA
You doctored the log books.

FOX NEWS
Damnit Obama!!

OBAMA
I'll ask for the forth time. You ordered--

MCCAIN
You want answers?

OBAMA
I think I'm entitled to them.

MCCAIN
You want answers?!

OBAMA
I want the truth.

MCCAIN
You can't handle the truth!

And nobody moves.

MCCAIN
(continuing)
Son, we live in a world that has walls.
And those walls have to be guarded by men
with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You,
Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater
responsibility than you can possibly
fathom. You weep for Santiago and you
curse the marines. You have that luxury.
You have the luxury of not knowing what I
know: That Santiago's death, while tragic,
probably saved lives. And my existence,
while grotesque and incomprehensible to
you, saves lives.
(beat)
You don't want the truth. Because deep
down, in places you don't talk about at
parties, you want me on that wall. You me
there
(boasting)
We use words like honor, code,
loyalty...we use these words as the
backbone to a life spent defending
something. You use 'em as a punchline.
(beat)
I have neither the time nor the
inclination to explain myself to a man who
rises and sleeps under the blanket of the
very freedom I provide, then questions the
manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer
you just said thank you and went on your
way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a
weapon and stand a post. Either way, I
don't give a damn what you think you're
entitled to.

OBAMA
(quietly)
Did you order the code red?

MCCAIN
(beat)
I did the job you sent me to do.

OBAMA
Did you order the code red?

MCCAIN
(pause)
You're goddamn right I did.

A late-night list of things I hate.

1. Any public event in which men dress like women (usually cheerleaders) and the people who think this is somehow clever or funny.  I'm thinking specifically of "Mr. [insert the name of your school here] events" and Halloween.  It's mildly funny to dress like a woman if you're a. Tony Curtis or b. Jack Lemmon.  It's never clever.

2. People who think that Native Americans are somehow more spiritual than any other race of people.  Yes, it's tragic what happened to them, but, they're not, you know, _magical_.  You do realize that for all their supposed "connection" to nature, they still use closed circuit cameras in their casinos, right?  It ain't dreamcatchers that they're hanging over the blackjack table, I can assure you of that.

2a. People who claim a small percentage of Native American in their ancestry as a way to garner a little of that supposed spirituality for themselves.  Usually presented like this: "I'm mostly German and Irish, with a bit of Russian in there.  Oh, and a very small part Native American on my mother's side."  They then cry a single tear for the way the White Man has polluted this planet while accepting an Academy Award for Marlon Brando.

3. People who insist on using Barack Obama's middle name as if this is supposed to mean something.  A lot of people don't know this, but John McCain's middle name is "Slobodan Milosevic Kim Jong-Il Hitler Mussolini."  Seriously, though, if you think a man's middle name has any bearing on whether or not he ought to be president, then you ought not be voting.

4.  That all human beings are cognizant of the fact that they're going to die.  I mean, one second you're having some sugar-free yogurt in the cafeteria of the Tropicana, the next you're having an existential crisis about the meaning of life.  Medical science needs to find a way to burn this out of us.  You know who doesn't know they're going to die?  Dogs.  You know who doesn't need any kind of sleeping medication?  Yep, dogs.  Think about it.

5.  People who give you poetry to read and then, when you don't understand it, they say: "Well, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of really deep symbolism in there that you kind of have to know me to understand."  Here's a little tip: if something doesn't speak for itself, _don't share it with anyone_.  In fact, if you have a stash of pornography, keep your poems in there as they're both pretty much masturbatory material.

6.  Any item of enjoyment that people claim you have to "get" to enjoy.  I'm speaking specifically of high end trendy food, weirdo movies and TV shows, and thick unread "literary" fiction.  No one ever had to explain to me why chocolate cake is good.  You know why?  Because it's actually good.  This is not to say that trendy food, weirdo movies, and literary fiction is inherently bad, just that a lot of people are pretending to enjoy them because they want to seem better than us common folk.

I've got more hate in me, but my OTC/Prescription Pill cocktail of Benedryl, Muscle Relaxers, and Melatonin is kicking in big time right now and I'm about to head to bed.  Just one last thing I hate:

7. When you're OTC/Presciption Pill cocktain of Benedryl, Muscle Relaxers, and Melatonin kills you.  More on this tomorrow... uh... maybe?

Live from Las Vegas!

I'm in Vegas all week headlining a series of shows at the Tropicana.  (You can see my name on the Tropicana board there.  And, uh, no, that's not _my_ butt above my name.)

It's a lot of fun, but there are three main problems:

1. I'm away from my family.  I know that sounds lame, but it's been almost two weeks now and I'm pretty sure that my son's first words are going to be "Cats in the Cradle..."  I miss the spud.

2. Internet access costs $12.99 a day!  How can that be?  How can I be at a hotel where I can get a buffet of prime rib and shrimp (_shrimp_... in the desert!) for like $4.99, but high speed internet access costs almost $13?  I know it probably has to do with the casinos preferring me out of my room and gambling instead of inside of my room and blogging, but it's still pretty annoying.  Don't they know that in this economy $13 is what you'd pay for a nice three bedroom in the suburbs?

3. Speaking of the economy, I think it's hitting the prostitutes pretty hard.  I mean, I've been in Vegas before, so I've been solicited (it's impossible to be a male by himself without it happening), but this week it's been ridiculous.  Last night I walked from the Tropicana to the Mirage and on the bridge there must have been ten hookers pressing their wares to every man who walked by.  I felt like I was fighting off vagina zombies.

Before I sign off, I'd like to welcome Allison, our new reader from Vegas.  Thanks for finding the site.  I think that means I officially have four readers... let the journey towards world domination begin!

Also, Megan was curious about the new blogging venture I'm a part of.  I haven't left TV Squad -- I'll still be banging out Office Reviews for them -- but I'm also writing for a brand new site called...

Cliqueclack.

It's a neat new site that I think has a great amount of potential!  Please go on over and check it out when you get the chance!

All right, I'm off to the Tropicana employee cafeteria to eat some taquitos and take a real hard look at the choices I've made in my life.  

There is no such thing as liberals (or conservatives)

If you didn't know, "Am American Carol" was released on Friday. It's a right-wing themed take on "A Christmas Carol" with a Michael Moore-style documentarian being set straight about why he shouldn't hate America.

I haven't seen the movie, but I did read this review by William Gross over at Cinematical.com. Take a gander at the review and then read the comments: holy shitballs, do the commenters ever get mad at him! At least twenty people call Gross a "liberal" who didn't understand the "conservative" comedy that was at play in the movie. There was no chance that Mr. Gross simply didn't like the movie, his negative review had to be a function of his liberal agenda.

Hasn't this bullshit gotten out of hand? I mean, really.

Labeling yourself a "liberal" or "conservative" means allying yourself with the marketing techniques of those who profit (both financially and politically) by dividing this country. It's like rooting for "Bud Light" in the Bud Bowl, except, you know, you actually really care about the outcome of the game.

See, once you officially ally yourself with a group, it's human nature to start to look at the other group as being stupid, simply because they didn't make the same choice as you. You start to lose any kind of objectivity and begin to view everything through the lens of your politics.

And what does that lead to? Calling a blogger an elitist liberal because he didn't think a movie was funny.

I'd like to get rid of the labels. No more liberals, no more conservatives. It's too limiting. Just because you criticize the actions of our current administration doesn't mean that you're a half-terrorist who secretly hates this country. Just because you favor oil drilling and enjoy the occasional Toby Keith record doesn't mean that you're a slack-jawed moron who wants to shoot Bambi's mom from a helicopter.

Are we really so empty-headed as a society that we think that people can only fall into one of two categories?

Enough already.

Mr. Gross, should you read this (google alerts style), my bleeding heart goes out to you. As a fellow WIN blogger, I know the damage the commenters can do; substitute teachers get more respect than we do sometimes.