Sunday, October 12, 2008

A late-night list of things I hate.

1. Any public event in which men dress like women (usually cheerleaders) and the people who think this is somehow clever or funny.  I'm thinking specifically of "Mr. [insert the name of your school here] events" and Halloween.  It's mildly funny to dress like a woman if you're a. Tony Curtis or b. Jack Lemmon.  It's never clever.

2. People who think that Native Americans are somehow more spiritual than any other race of people.  Yes, it's tragic what happened to them, but, they're not, you know, _magical_.  You do realize that for all their supposed "connection" to nature, they still use closed circuit cameras in their casinos, right?  It ain't dreamcatchers that they're hanging over the blackjack table, I can assure you of that.

2a. People who claim a small percentage of Native American in their ancestry as a way to garner a little of that supposed spirituality for themselves.  Usually presented like this: "I'm mostly German and Irish, with a bit of Russian in there.  Oh, and a very small part Native American on my mother's side."  They then cry a single tear for the way the White Man has polluted this planet while accepting an Academy Award for Marlon Brando.

3. People who insist on using Barack Obama's middle name as if this is supposed to mean something.  A lot of people don't know this, but John McCain's middle name is "Slobodan Milosevic Kim Jong-Il Hitler Mussolini."  Seriously, though, if you think a man's middle name has any bearing on whether or not he ought to be president, then you ought not be voting.

4.  That all human beings are cognizant of the fact that they're going to die.  I mean, one second you're having some sugar-free yogurt in the cafeteria of the Tropicana, the next you're having an existential crisis about the meaning of life.  Medical science needs to find a way to burn this out of us.  You know who doesn't know they're going to die?  Dogs.  You know who doesn't need any kind of sleeping medication?  Yep, dogs.  Think about it.

5.  People who give you poetry to read and then, when you don't understand it, they say: "Well, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of really deep symbolism in there that you kind of have to know me to understand."  Here's a little tip: if something doesn't speak for itself, _don't share it with anyone_.  In fact, if you have a stash of pornography, keep your poems in there as they're both pretty much masturbatory material.

6.  Any item of enjoyment that people claim you have to "get" to enjoy.  I'm speaking specifically of high end trendy food, weirdo movies and TV shows, and thick unread "literary" fiction.  No one ever had to explain to me why chocolate cake is good.  You know why?  Because it's actually good.  This is not to say that trendy food, weirdo movies, and literary fiction is inherently bad, just that a lot of people are pretending to enjoy them because they want to seem better than us common folk.

I've got more hate in me, but my OTC/Prescription Pill cocktail of Benedryl, Muscle Relaxers, and Melatonin is kicking in big time right now and I'm about to head to bed.  Just one last thing I hate:

7. When you're OTC/Presciption Pill cocktain of Benedryl, Muscle Relaxers, and Melatonin kills you.  More on this tomorrow... uh... maybe?

3 comments:

megan said...

I would like to add something to number 6. I hate people who say they "love" stinky, moldy, nasty ass looking, sometimes mushy, sometimes really effing hard cheese with names that no one can ever in their right minds pernounce properly. It dosent make any sense, not to mention its 20 bucks for like 3 milimeters of the damn stuff. If I hear another person say "Im going to go home and pour my self some wine and enjoy a nice wedge of Klaver Kaas", Im going to kill myself.(that is a real cheese by the way, I wouldnt have believed it myself if I hadnt googled it.)

Alison said...

Sweet Jesus, I couldn't agree more with #6. It bothers me when people claim to love things that they don't "really" love, just to seem smarter or more enlightened. I mean I guess its hard to call them out but, seriously, who actually likes Atlas Shrugged? Perhaps I'm just a dumbass but I couldn't get past page 4. Ok, I'm lying, I didn't even get past the synopsis. These are also the same people that will hate on mainstream successes. Like people who said The Dark Knight sucked just to seem like they were in on something none of us common consumers were. Whatever, you're an asshole! (Those people I mean, not you Jay) They also hate bands once they hit Top 40 radio. I just hate people that intentionally hate on things for no other reason then to seem different. If that makes sense.

This is a long ass comment. I'll stop now.

John said...

Number 4 has already been tackled by societies across the world. It has side effects though.. Some of which include, but are not limited to: blindly following one or a series of books as your guide in life, starting government revolts, mass killings and wars, hatred towards others that don’t follow your beliefs, participating in rituals that resemble the hokey-pokey. The list continues and takes stranger turns the further you go. The solution many flock to in avoiding fears of death is religion. I mean, why deal with the complex emotions and hardships of death, when you can join up with a massive group of people and together ignore any sense of reality by believing in a fairy tale? Sounds good to me! Now where’s that damn kool-aid…