"All I want is a guy with a sense of humor"

I often say in my act that the biggest lie a woman tells in her lifetime is that she thinks a sense of humor is a sexy thing for a man to have. I say this because if that were true my being a professional comedian should have led me to being neck deep in a poontang avalanche by now.

It gets a laugh because there's a central truth to it: I am _very_ funny and yet _very_ few of the women in the room are attracted to me. Since I'm not a hunchback, the only reasonable conclusion is that women are lying when they talk about how hot the ha-has make them.

Of course, like a lot of "truths" in my act, I'm simplifying the situation.

It occurred to me today that the problem is that there are two types of funny: the kind that turns women on, and the kind that makes me money.

I think it's fair to say that heterosexual women want from their man one thing above all else: comfort. If you talk to a hundred women and ask them the best feeling in the world, 99 of them will say it's being wrapped, snug and secure in the arms of the man she loves (the other one will say "penis... rock hard penis"). I think when women talk about "funny", what they're really talking about is "comfort".

The average dude can do comfort funny pretty easy. All you have to do is take an uncomfortable situation and make the dumbest, most obvious joke about it. "Don't worry about Sarah at the office... she's a bitch!" To which the woman giggles and says, "you're so bad!" before they fall into sloppy unprotected sex on the kitchen floor.

There's nothing original there but it makes her feel better. That's the sense of humor women want when they talk about their turn ons.

Comedians do the opposite of comfort humor. Usually what a comic does is take an uncomfortable truth, paint some happy shiny colors on it, then present it to the world. It's funny -- indeed, funny enough that if you're good at it, you can make a living doing it -- but it's not _sexy_, because it's _not comforting_.

That, I think, is why, after I have a particularly good set, I'm not mobbed by a line of willing females each more hopeful than the next that I might bestow on them a sexual experience that has come to be known as "The Jay Black 24 Second Special."

Of course, this could all be bunk. Maybe I'm just hunchback ugly and no one has had the guts to tell me...